A Recipe for Murder – Part Four

Starring the chefs of Food Network

Previously on A Recipe for Murder:  Guy Fieri is the latest Food Network star to be found dead, his eyes speared with kebab skewers and D D D carved into his chest.

“Fucking Diners, Drive in’s and Dives”  Rachel Ray said.

She stared down at the initials carved into his chest, his medallions discoloured from the blood.  She noticed the blade by his side was from his own range of endorsed knives.

“The fucking irony” She scoffed to herself.

Giada DeLaurentis and Duff Goldman were in the garden approaching the Summer house.

“Do you really think it’s Jamie Oliver?”  Giada said “I think he could be after me next as likes to cook italian food, this is my speciality on the Food Network, he’s after my slot”

Duff chuckled to himself at her double entendre

As they approached the Summer house they heard movement from inside, they crept up to the door and wielded their kitchen utensils in anticipation of what was waiting for them.

They slowly opened the door, a flash of light glistened off something shiny on the opposite side of the room, it flew towards them, Duff dragged Giada in front of him to shield behind her enlarged head.

Ina and TR where checking the upstairs rooms when they heard the commotion downstairs, they rushed back to find Rachel limping up the basement stairs.

“Guy’s bit the dust”  Rachel informed them

Ina stepped back into the kitchen and fell to the floor.

“Ina!”  TR cried and ran to her aid

“I slipped on something”  She said “Is it blood TR?”

“No…” he replied  “It looks like ice cream”

Ina gasped  and fainted.

A cleaver spun through the air and embedded itself into Giada’s head.   Giada could see a figure before her, obscured by the blood running down her face.   She felt another heavy blow as another one struck her and she slumped to the ground.

Duff turned to run but was himself struck down, Giada witnessed the shadowy figure run over and continued to hack at Duff.

Ina slowly came round gazing up at TR.

“The ice cream” Ina said  “It can’t be?”

“What is it Ina?” TR said, Rachel stood behind tapping her foot.

“Nothing, I just thought that it reminded me…”

“Rachel, help me carry Ina to the lounge” TR said.

Paula Deen heard the commotion and waddled back to the group.

“It’s Jeffrey, I’m always catching him on the Barefoot Contessa raiding the freezer for my espresso ice cream.  How would anyone have access to the freezer”

“Access?”  TR questioned

“Yes, I padlocked it before Paula arrived, for obvious reasons”  Ina whispered to him

“Yes, of course”  TR replied glaring at Paula.

“Jamie Oliver has Jeffrey prisoner in this house, he must have tortured Jeffrey for the combination”

At that moment they heard a moan and the sound of dragging.  They raised their kitchen gadgets and swarmed into the kitchen.

“Giada!”  Paula cried

Giada had dragged herself back to the house, cleavers embedded in her oversized cranium.

“Duff’s dead” she said, “There was an ambush in the Summer house, cleavered to death, I managed to crawl back”  Giada was weary and blood was seeping from her wounds.

“What can we do Ina?”  TR said

“There’s nothing we can do”  Rachel interrupted, she’ll bleed out.

“Right” Ina said “Let’s move her back outside, I don’t want to stain my floor”

TR, Paula, Rachel and Ina gathered back in the lounge.

“Paula, where’s Miguel”  Ina asked

“I don’t know, he vanished just before I heard the commotion back here” Paula replied

“How did someone get from the basement to kill Guy and then be waiting in the Summer house for Duff and Giada?” Rachel said

“Jamie can’t be working alone”  Ina added

“Exactly” Rachel replied “What other British chefs do we know of?”

Everyone shrugged their shoulders.

“Hang on, has anyone thought it may not be Jamie Oliver?” Rachel said

“But Jessica Fletcher told Ina..”  Paula answered

“Jessica Fletcher!”  Rachel interrupted.  “She’s serving multiple life sentences.  I wouldn’t put any trust in her advice” She added  “What do we know?  Jamie Oliver has never been to your house Ina, whoever does must know the layout, they have been one step ahead of us all along, knowing where everyone was to murder them and be able to slip away so quickly unseen”

“Are you saying it is still one of us?”  Ina said

“No, maybe, it just doesn’t make sense for it to be Jamie Oliver”  Rachel argued.

“We should try to leave, I’m calling the Food Network  chopper to collect us?”  Paula said and tried dialing the numbers with her stubby fingers

“Let me do that” TR said and took the phone from Paula.  “There’s no signal, let me try on my phone….Nothing, this is strange”

“None of our phones are working” Rachel said…  “Ina, the landline, you called Jessica Fletcher”

Ina picked up the house phone

“It’s dead”  She said.

At that moment the lights went out.

They stumbled around in the dark, Rachel pulled her phone’s torch out.

“Let me check the fusebox, come with me”  Ina said

Paula was getting hungry and realised the food would deteriorate in the refrigerator with the power cut.

“I better eat the perishables”  Paula thought

When she got to the fridge she realised she couldn’t see without the refrigerator light.

“Damn y’all” She said

She fumbled around inside the fridge door and picked something up – a canister that felt familiar.

“Cool Whip, this will go off faster, I better eat this”   She squirted it liberally into her mouth and began to choke violently.   Her passageways were blocked, she was suffocating.

Foam was coming out of Paula’s mouth and her nose, her eyes bulged, her body convulsing.

At that moment the lights came on, and Ina and Rachel returned

“Oh no, Paula”” Ina wailed

She was lying bloated on the kitchen floor, TR picked up the canister in her hand.

“What a horrible way to die”  Ina said.

What Paula thought was cool whip was a canister of hardware store expanding foam

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14 Comments

  1. I understand the US military is contracting the manufacture of 50,000 life size Giada heads. You know, for where armor just isn’t enough…

    I’m starting to think it’s Jeffrey.
    Or Robert Irvine (don’t recall him in this yet, have to go back and check…)

    Reply
    • Is Robert the English chap who is doing what Gordon Ramsey did to people’s restaurants? Since I had to ask you can figure it’s not him.

      Reply
  2. Absolutely perfect ending to this part, Joe! Poor Paula. Mwah ha ha! Hmm when you mentioned other British chefs naturally Gordon Ramsey came to mind as I don’t know any others.

    Reply
    • Exactly, who does! You had Nigella over there? I know Greatsby did a post on her so I assume she is recognised. Otherwise just aswell she died first.

      Our chefs are so dull hence I watch Food Network for the laughs. I just started listing our tv chefs but it started to sound like a good post so will do that instead!

      Reply
  3. Jeffrey’s definitely a possibility, but my money’s on whoever has to clean up after the Food Network chefs when they tape their shows.

    Reply
    • I always wonder what happens to all the food, well on anyone but Paula deen’s show, I know the answer to that one.

      Reply
  4. I better eat the perishables….hahahahahahahah! This is funny:)

    Reply
  5. Such a sad end – brilliant years lay ahead.

    Reply

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