Clumsy, ungainly and bumbling – My Week Condensed

This should be titled my year condensed since I have hardly blogged this year, I think I am also suffering something of a writer’s block.

Part of my forced absence was moving home, where once I lived in a vibrant bustling hub where I could take inspiration from the flotsam and jetsam of street life.   There is nothing quite like seeing a stockinged lady sitting on a children’s stool laughing at shoppers whilst drinking disinfectant.  Just a daily occurence back in Camden Town.

Since retiring to the suburbs, I barely see a soul – bar some youthful chavs loitering outside the corner shop, it’s like a ghost town, if I do venture into the main high street it’s an obstacle course of baby buggies tearing down the street, it would make a good video game, I’m thinking something akin to Frogger.


Or maybe Doom.


So I blame my lack of blogging input into the lack of suitable individuals who spark an idea into life, who inspire to me examine their inner workings, who…, who am I kidding, who I can rip the shit out of.

My nights mainly spent watching TV shows on netflix, scolding my hob for being electric and not gas and being bizarrely fascinated by Food Networks latest offering Pioneer Woman.   Have you seen this show, she is the anthesis of Ina Garten, where Ina happily mingles with her gay chums, Pioneer Woman would probably shoot them.   She wears the most spine tingling grin previously only seen on The Stepford Wives, husband is out fishing, chopping wood, stringing black people up from trees, whilst she and the other Stepford Wives make jam.

She appears to be a God-fearing individual but there is something satanic in that grin, those eyes, that meatloaf which looks like it was made from human flesh.


Anyway, back to My Week Condensed:

1)  I’ve seen some great gigs lately (Neutral Milk Hotel, The Rails, Superchunk)  but what I feel was missing from the music scene is a band just being loud and brash, young and stupid.  I found that band in the form of The Orwells, a montage of The Strokes, the Ramones, and Mudhoney.  Terrible lyrics about hitting on girls and getting wasted, but these are kids, it’s what they should be doing.   unfortunately the rest of the crowd were kids too so I felt rather like a warden for them being at least 20 years older than most people there.    But is was suitably raucous and invigorating so I drank along and made my way home.   Since I live so far away it took about an hour, which obviously resulted in me being in desperate need of urination.   I walk through a park to get home and instead of sensibly waiting to reach it and go behind a tree, I spied behind a church a darkened corridor hidden by shrubbery.

I aimed for the pitchblack to relieve myself only to find there was no more land beneath my feet, I plummeted  to the ground below, and as I looked about me to see what had happened a security light then came on.    That’s right, a security light comes on after you have fallen down their stairs, what use is that.    I’ll remind you this was a church, so it seems God was playing the karma game, try to piss on my land I’ll thrown you down the stairs, bash your knee and wrist up and ruin your new jeans.

I like a practical joke aswell as the next person, but you’re out of line Lord.

2)  Maybe it isn’t God’s fault he lured me into the trap, maybe I am just clumsy lately, earlier today I threw a cup of coffee all over myself for the hell of it.  Lucky I don’t have it too hot, but is was still wet and still smelly in this heat.  I smell like Starbucks has pissed on me.

3)   To be advised, things happen in three’s so there is yet to be some event  to befall me.

Next week I’ll have more time on my hands to blog and read others which I have also been terrible at keeping up with, I’m off on holiday to Spain.    Let’s hope the Spanish can provide suitable cause for me writing about them.





Leave a comment


  1. The frogger/doom comparison, so funny. That girl really does look kind of evil. Sorry about your religious downfall. 😉 At least the shock didn’t cause you to piss yourself right? Glad you’re okay.

    • I just had to take the next day off work then was housebound for 3 days, I missed all the parties and hot weather we had last weekend.

  2. I’ve gone from looking around to see if I’m the youngest one at a show to checking to see if I’m the oldest.
    Still, good live music makes up for the feeling of entering my dotage.

    Watch out for that god character. He’s bad news.

    • I agree, though I think these young ‘uns should make space for us at the bar when ordering so we get served first. We fought in the mosh pits of the grunge era after all.

  3. and Pioneer Woman’s recipes are rubbish.

  4. Thanks for the Frogger/Doom laugh this morning. Enjoy Spain!

  5. Hey … I’m a Ina fan! (although her recipes tend toward too much salt).

    Cheers to your love for live music. Hey … Life: The Musical cranks up during your overnight (9:30 pm, Eastern US) … songs with titles including dream, dreams, dreaming, dreamer, or a compound word beginning with dream.

    Enjoy your time in Spain.

    • Thanks, I love Ina, even though I make fun of her.

      She’s pretty much in charge of cooking shows, apart from Nigella. I like my cooks to have a back story, I just don’t wanna see dinner served up, I wanna see her pal, TR head to the deli and wonder what cheeses to buy that will pass Ina’s approval. It’s like a soap opera.

  6. Well, you know what they say — when God closes a door, he throws you down a flight of stairs.

  7. Sorry to hear that Joe. Catholic or CofE church – makes a difference y’know

  8. Food network will suck you in and steal your time… but I am glad you could tear yourself away long enough to do a post…

  9. But I thought you were coming to North America?

  10. Beware of things happening in threes!

  11. Just your friendly stalker here. How was Spain?

  12. Well if that’s the way God treats all you mosh pit veterans it’s enough to make me rethink Leviticus 8: 1-74! Okay, now I have to check out Pioneer Woman. I hate her already from that picture. Even if she does make a killer human meat loaf! And in my experience, nothing kills the muse like Crazy Homeless Person Shortages. Sigh . . . Hey! Maybe you should adopt Disinfectant Lady!

    • I think disinfectant lady succumbed to her tipple. I still pass through every day on my way home and she is nowhere to be seen. I’ll have to make a memorial of caustic household product containers somehow made into a bouquet.

      Ina Garten could take Pioneer woman in a fight easily.

  13. I’m happy to hear you will “hopefully” find something suitable to blog about. I have not visited your blog for some time, so it looks like I’m returning at an opportune time. I look forward to catching up with you after your holiday. Hope it brings up all kinds of writing subjects.


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