Tales of the suburbs – The Twitcher

A new series in which I imagine the lives of my new neighbours


“There they are again Harold, it’s those new people from upstairs.  Look at the way they’ve parked, right in front of our window”

“They keep carrying lots of things upstairs, it’ll be like a jumble sale up there”

“And did you hear that banging, going on all hours of the day, it was giving me one of my migraines Harold”

“I saw them carrying a cat, in one of those carry boxes, that thing better not make its mess near my roses, I say Harold, I’ll be having words with them if their cat messes in my roses”

“They are carrying shopping from Marks and Spencer Harold, will you believe it! Marks and Spencer when Tesco is just down the road.  They won’t get value for money there.   You know I bought that pork from Tesco, £3.00 that was, lovely bit of pork, it was a bit grey in places but I just cut those bits off, there was nothing wrong with it.  Still, £3.00, you remember when we used to get our meat from Mr Dicksons in the high street.  He used to throw in lots of crackling for nothing.  He was a lovely man, I wont believe what they said he did to those children, gossips the lot of them.   Marks and Spencer indeed!”

“I see that woman at number 27 is pregnant again,  always got her legs in the air that one, gentlemen visitors every night, tsk, I don’t know what’s become of people these days.   You remember when we met Harold, there was no funny business until we were married.   Mother didn’t approve, and too right.  Nowadays people are flaunting it everywhere. and they don’t wear hosiery, you can see their bare legs Harold”


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  1. This is so so awesome.

  2. You have a gift for this… you are going to make a splendid old woman someday… HA!

  3. I can actually hear her talking, too. Poor Harold, he just wants a bit of quiet and a nice cuppa. But you know, the missus wouldn’t have to be such a nosey parker if people would just behave themselves like they did in the old days.

    • I miss the old days 🙂

      I couldn’t decide if Harold was just in the photo on the table and he had passed away years ago or if he had died that morning or he was just snoozing. I’ll leave that to the reader to interpret 😀

  4. I love the voice you’re using on this new series! I can just hear her now! And see her. I imagine her to be the British version of Gladys Kravets.

  5. My, what a…lively neighborhood you’ve moved in to!

  6. Poor Harold. Sounds like he’s married a lovely woman. Can’t wait to read more about them.

  7. Nice to see you back here Joe!

  8. Do you live next door to my in laws? Fuckin spooky

    • 😀 Tell them to pop upstairs and see

      • I was round there once and Mother in Law asked if I wanted a sandwich. To which I replied “Yes”. She then popped her head back round the door and told me she had bread rolls if I preferred. I said I would stick with the sandwich. Father in Law then said “That’s strange Jim, I had you down as a roll man.”

        There is no answer to that.

        • 😀

          What does a roll man look like?

          Maude (that’s her in the window) would say, “Do you remember when Jim turned down that roll Harold, they were some lovely rolls I got from Arkins the Bakers in the village, fresh that morning they were and he saved me some specially, I bought some lovely jam tarts too, do you remember Harold, you enjoyed those jam tarts with your tea. Of course I had to throw the rolls out, rolls don’t keep like a loaf, I can freeze my loaf leftovers but the rolls don’t freeze well, such a waste. Elsie next door would have left them out for the birds, the buggers do their mess all over my washing. Who wouldn’t want a roll Harold, I knew something wasn’t right about him, I said that didn’t I Harold, I said there’s something not right about him”

  9. I love this series! The Twitcher – I’ve known a few of them myself! Pics of the new place please!

  10. How did you get that shot of me at my front window? Probably hoping you’d catch me without my cardigan, you perv. What did I tell you about them, Harold?

    • 😀

      Hope you’re well, I need to catch up on your blog, I am systematically going round all that I missed for the last couple of months since I moved and had no internet.

  11. We need another installment of this series dear. 😉


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