Britain’s Next Top Master Office Manager Idol

If you are particularly skilled at your profession there are all manner of reality shows you can participate it to be crowned the best at that.

I thought to myself, I’m pretty great at my job having 20 years experience under my belt.   Why is there no competition to uncover the greatest Office Manager out there?

I approached Simon Cowell with my idea and subsequently armed with a restraining order I went about setting up this series myself.

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Meet the contestants:

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Week 1:

Marjorie was the first to be eliminated after a disastrous effort on the stationary order challenge.  Ordering a box of non-window DL envelopes instead of DL window, she lost precious time hand writing all the addresses for the mailshot.

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Week 2:

Ken was next for the chop after miss-allocating the daily receivables and posted a payment of £143.94 against the wrong account.

Week 3:

Leslie failed to hang in for another week after answering the phone and saying good morning instead of good afternoon.

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“Mum, it’s me, I made it through to the next round”

Week 4:

Samantha was next to go after forgetting to take settlement discount when paying the 7 day accounts.

James, in an effort to gain public sympathy tells his harrowing story of a paper cut incurred whilst filing invoices, (a Coldplay track plays in the background).

Week 5:

James, so often dividing opinion in the office, wasn’t long for the competition after failing to cross refer the staff holidays and realising too late that there was no cover in the office on Friday

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Contestants celebrate making it through another week

Week 6:

Chloe and Mark were both sent home after a shock double elimination.

Chloe had ordered 1 ply toilet paper for the bathrooms, and Mark had entered the numbers the wrong way round on a cheque, leaving an imbalance of 0.08p.  The pressure of the later rounds visibly getting to the contestants.

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Week 7:

With a place in the semi-finals at stake, Adam’s franking machine broke, with the engineer not being able to come for two days, he sadly failed the task of mailing the statements.

Week 8: 

The semi finals and the contestants went head to head on a filing challenge.   There was little between them and the judges decided they couldn’t let anyone go and all would make it through to the penultimate round and for the first time ever 4 contestants would challenge for the title.

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Week 9:

The final arrives.   The contestants friends and family are in the audience and past contestants have arrived to show their support.   As Carl, Sharon and Louise and Tom vie for the title they have been dreaming of their whole lives.

Louise slips at the first hurdle in the spreadsheet challenge, failing to apply the necessary formula when reconciling the petty cash.

The final challenge sees the remaining three organise an office Christmas party.   Carl fails spectacularly by blowing the budget at a lap dancing club.

It’s down to the wire between Tom and Sharon who are neck and neck after successful office parties.

The judges retire to deliberate, taking into account past performances.

They noted Tom’s superior hole-punching ability but it is Sharon’s 50WPM that sends her first over the finishing line.

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23 Comments

  1. I understand Marjorie was able to spin her exposure into an excellent permanent position at 10 Downing, where no one cares (or knows) what’s going on…

    Reply
  2. I could enter that! I wouldn’t win, but I could compete with these yahoos! How do I audition? Do I have to be in the UK?

    Reply
  3. Where were you in the competition?

    Reply
  4. I thought Ken was a shoe in – he is a God with the old Treasury tag – just brilliant!

    Reply
  5. I love it when you do this stuff.

    Reply
    • Thanks! I suppose there is The Apprentice already but that is more for dickheads who have self importance. An office manager is very down to earth, has no aspirations beyond that role so has no desire to join the boardroom. They are happy with paper clips, ring binders and ordering paper.

      Reply
      • Hey, I am sending a copy of my book to a cousin in England. If the cost is not to insane, I can send you a signed copy and you can pay me whenever or in installments if you want.

        Reply
        • That would be amazing! But I am moving house so wouldn’t know where to send it. But all is not lost. My other half is going to America for work in the New Year, I was going to order it for delivery to where he is staying.

          Reply
  6. Poor Marjorie. It’s bad enough being the first one to be eliminated without having two Mean Girls laugh at you behind your back.

    Reply
    • The office is a hotbed of politics and gossiping about TV. Marjorie isn’t cut out for it, she always buys bad gifts in the secret santa too

      Reply
  7. I think I have to call you on reversing numbers – the difference is always a multiple of 9 (not .08) – this is how you know you have a transposition. Amazing what you remember from intro to accounting!

    Reply
    • 😀 You’d breeze the Canadian version. I’ll have to export the idea over there. The grand prize is a Staples giftcard and a faux diamond encrusted hole punch,

      Reply
  8. Oh those poor judges must have had a really hard time. Tom’s hole-punching abilities!! I mean who could beat them, who? (I hear he’s training for the Admin Olympics next.) Well, I guess I’m happy for Sharon and her 50 wpm. But frankly, judging from her picture, I think she would be kind of a bitch to work for . . .

    Reply
    • The Admin Olympics, the natural progression of their talents.

      Well, regarding Sharon, you know I’m not one for office gossip…but…a little birdy told me she got her promotion from some special ‘overtime’ duties if you get my drift.

      Reply

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