Egyptsurvival – Part 1

Survival is the operative word as that is the instinct you need to endure a holiday in Egypt.

This may conjure up images of historical sites being in awe of ancient architecture and fat bellied tourists, but you can google those images so this holiday was about relaxation.  Silly of me to forget then that I can’t relax around other members of the human race.  I usually book private villas on holiday but due to a harsh Winter and need for sun I needed to book something without much thought involved, remind me never to do so again.

It wasn’t all bad, I got to partake in one of my favourite pastimes, namely observing and criticising people.  Fortunately a charter flight for a package holiday gives you countless opportunity.

Boarding the plane and realising there are no entertainment facilities I scanned the plane selecting who would be the focus of my attention for the next 5 hours.  It didn’t take long as I found myself seated next to a gay couple.  How did they know to seat us together at the back of the plane?  I imagined this is how Rosa Parks felt if she were a middle class white homosexual male.

I may have mentioned I am a sorry excuse for a homosexual, often derided by my own kind for not being gay enough.  This couple were following the gay rule book to a tee.   No sooner had we sat down then they were served a bottle of champagne and luxury chocolates.  “Are you celebrating something?” I asked.  They looked at me quizically, “No, just our holidays”  Such extravagance, I can’t begin to consider such fabulousness as to order champagne on a shit charter flight as I lined up my travel sized Vodkas.   As I pulled out my reading material for the journey, one of many books I would take with me, they produced a copy of Hello and Heat magazine, cooing at pictures of celebrity cellulite.

Losing interest in their predictability I glanced over at an elderly lady who caught my attention as she was playing a Nintendo DS,  I made a mental note of her elderly attire and then was more intrigued as she then pulled out her tablet and started punching away frantically.  Later she pulled out her top of the range mobile phone and I was in awe of her technical savvy so far ahead of myself.  It was only after she pulled out a pack of pastilles from her purse, in a flip top box, just like your gran would have, I imagined them covered in bits of pocket fluff and my faith in her years was restored.  She could try to keep up with the latest trends but she still carried a pack of pastilles in her purse.

I then spied my nemesis, someone who truly made my blood boil for their own self importance, her name was THE MOTHER.

She wasn’t any normal mother, she was THE MOTHER, she is more important than anyone else who had expelled children from within her.  There was no time to sit and relax in the flight, she had to control everything, the world would stop turning of course if she rested on her laurels.  To hell with the stewardesses trying to serve people from their carts, THE MOTHER had work to do so they coud damn well wait for her to be finished before passing by her.  She was never finished.

It wasn’t just her babies who needed constant attention, her husband and her own mother who couldn’t function without her as she stuffed clothes behind her husbands head so he could rest better, as she tucked blankets around her mother.  She would leave the overhead lockers open permanently as she had to unpack everything and repack numerous times throughout the flight.  Baby couldn’t be left to sleep, I swear she would provoke it so she could pick it up and carry it up and down the aisles the hole flight just so we all knew what an important job she had.

There was no rest for THE MOTHER, people had to be force-fed her breadsticks whether they wanted them or not, they had to acknowledge her presence.  It was made worse by her sister, also a MOTHER also carrying her baby up and down the plane, as soon as one did so, the other seeing a threat to her position did likewise, strapping the baby in a    scarf round their necks and lugging the blobs down the aisles as the were woken from their slumber so we could all witness what a job it was to get them relaxed again.

This never ceased the hole flight, so we all took longer to be served since they were blocking the aisles the whole time.  I really don’t like waiting for my next drink I thought as I cast daggers in THE MOTHER’S direction.

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48 Comments

  1. i took one of ‘those’ flights to cairo once…back of plane steerage. replace babies and mums blocking isles with….washing machines. true story.

    Reply
  2. Oh, God. Good thing you survived the flight…maybe? Hmmm….bring medication next time,.

    Reply
  3. This was awesome. People drive me crazy too. And I now read all your words inside my head with a quaint but not to upper-class English accent.

    Reply
  4. My greatest admiration for your equal opportunity disdain of the human race. Well done.

    Reply
    • Somewhere there is a blog from another passenger including me in their list of people they despised on the flight. I wonder what they would have said

      Reply
  5. Personally I think ALL parents should be forced to fly together on one flight. They should not be allowed to fly on the same plane with non-parenting people. It’s not like we can leave the plane to escape their screaming child or their neverending sing song stories. Having a screaming child on my flight is a hazard to my health & sanity, just like smoking is a hazard to other people’s health. If they can have screaming children on planes why can’t we smoke on planes?

    Reply
    • I didn’t mind the kids, it was the parents who paraded them as if we should applaud them for their efforts. The kids were quite happy enough until they were carted up and down the aisles to be shown off. Glad they weren’t in my hotel, I can imagine the mother running around getting meals for everyone form the buffet and force feeding her husband

      Reply
  6. Rosa Parks! Brilliant!

    Reply
  7. So you were trapped with the Perfect Gays AND The MOTHER? Sweet fuck, I’d pray for a plane crash.

    Reply
  8. It never occurred to me that there would be pressure to live up to the ideal even as a gay, white male. You poor baby! And the super-mommy…at least she gave you something to look at for the flight. Did she try to cut up your dinner for you?

    Reply
    • Hah, not even a bite to eat on the flight, unless you wanted to pay to eat something which looked like recycling.

      I call them gay by numbers, when I am mimicked for my music tastes being non typical of the crowd I hang with, I just make fun of them for following the same stereotypes. I do succeed in one department, that of being bitchy to each other 🙂

      Reply
  9. This was hysterically funny. Mainly because I’m so glad it was you and not me on that flight. I loved how you described THE MOTHER.

    I only flew once with my kids, my daughter was a baby and my son was four and I made damn well sure not to disturb anyone on that plane. I brought bottles, binkies, even a small laptop with a DVD so they could watch movies. They were so good and so quiet, an elderly couple remarked to me after the flight was over that they didn’t even realize a baby was on board. I took that as the highest compliment. I suppose I was lucky they didn’t scream or cry. Next time you fly, Joe, pack extra alcohol and you’ll be fine.

    Reply
    • They make you pay for alcohol on these package flights, I spent about £30 on just a few small drinks.

      Most kids on flights are fine, I don’t even mind a baby screaming if I have headphones and a movie, but there was no entertainment so I had no choice but to observe everyone else for kicks. She was on the outbound and return flight, I had to sit nearer her on the way back, just two rows behind, I was boring holes in the back of her head with my eyes

      Reply
  10. I had a similar experience except it was THE DAUGHTER trying to control everything during vacation. I don’t know about her, but my trip was ruined.

    How unbelievably lucky for you to get to observe MOMMY before and after her vacation. It would seem you might should’ve had to pay for “entertainment” on the flight.

    Reply
  11. Haha Joe! I quickly had to google Pastilles to see if I had any in my purse! I don’t but they sound delicious and I would get some if they sold them here! I can just see you beside that gay couple carefully lining up your vodka! Ahahaha! The Mother!! That would have bugged me no end! We can only hope she got entombed in the Great Pyramid with her kid!

    Reply
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