An apology to Ina Garten and her followers

You may recall a Food Network parody I posted a while back taking off Ina Garten and a segment of her Barefoot Contessa show,  “Ask Ina!”   (She says it with an exclamation so it is deserving of its punctuation here)

I invited readers to ask questions of Ina and I answered them with suitably silly replies.

But lately I’ve been receiving actual cooking questions from random people.   I even answered one truthfully as I felt sorry they had found me and thought Ina Garten was actually writing for my site.

But now another has arrived I am a bit concerned, partly because they are asking how to stop their brownies going oily, I honestly don’t know having never had an oily brownie problem.  But also, what if Ina Garten uses her millions to try to shut me down and sue me?

Is it possible?  Isn’t it clear that no one could mistake the drivel that I spout as coming from the mouth of Ina?

In case I incur the wrath of the Barefoot Contessa I am apologising herewith:

Dear Ina

I apologise if people have confused my use of you on my site as being you.   I thought if I had photoshopped a handlebar mustache on you and had you plying your trade outside mens public restrooms that they wouldn’t think this was actually you.

I assumed by casting you in a murder mystery where you (spoiler alert) found out your husband Jeffrey had  murdered numerous TV chefs in his quest for something I can’t remember and can’t be bothered to refresh my memory on, that people would know you this didn’t actually happen.  Since Nigella Lawson wasn’t found dead in your bathroom holding a turkey twizzler since she only just released a new book and series.

I assumed they knew it wouldn’t actually be you giving high leg kicks in the musical version of the murder mystery.

I assumed they would know there wasn’t actually a Food Network Olympics.

I am terribly sorry for the confusion that resulted in me misleading your fans.

I only feature you to pay tribute to you, I’m a fan myself, and if there is ever an opening in your gay entourage I hope you will consider me worthy.  The distance between us doesn’t matter, I saw an episode recently and you featured a queen from London giving table setting advice.  Maybe I can offer something equally fabulous, I know this is a prerequisite to being in your gang.  I just need to think of something I am fabulous at.  I’ll get back to you on that one.

Also, please don’t sue me, you have shitloads of money and I have none.
Your fan

Joe Hoover

PS:  Can you tell me how to stop brownies from becoming oily.


Leave a comment


  1. Wait, there’s no Food Network Olympics!?!?!? Then what the hell have I been training for all this time??? Now what will I do with such skills as Spice Tolerance and Ability to Eat More Buffalo Wings Than Anyone Else????

  2. I can’t help but think that “oily brownie” is a metaphor I’m not hip enough to understand.
    Ah well…

    • Yeah! Now I’m thinking the reader wasn’t serious, they are just playing tricks on me. Maybe it’s Ina setting me up?

    • I was so grossed out at the thought of a literal oily brownie that it never occurred to me that it might be a metaphor.

    • I’m with you Guapo, I had to google to see if I would find something, but not even Urban Dictionary has records for it, I’m still suspicious tho.

      Joe, I would give fake recipes now, just to have more fun, it won’t hurt anyone lol.

      • As I have a food blog on the side I would feel dishonor if I sullied a recipe. It’s the cooks code.

  3. I’m with Guapo on the ‘oily brownie’ thing. Every time I read that phrase I laughed.

    I’m not surprised people think the stuff you write is real, people will believe anything in this crazy f-ed up world is possible.

  4. Oh man… this may be your best post ever. But I can no longer be your friend if you are going to go around annoying powerful and beloved icons of modern life… You hear that, Ina??? I don’t blame you for being upset. But before you squash him like a bug, can you tell us please, how do you stop those brownies from getting all oily?

  5. Honest, heartfelt and moving Joe. I am sure she will forgive you. She’s a lovely woman

  6. That photo of Ina with “Don’t fuck with me” made me laugh out loud. Also, I think you’re too good to be in her gay entourage, Joe. They’re all a little too overtly, fakely fabulous. It’s irksome.

    • Marathon session reading my posts! I hope you recover!

      True, I cannot fit in with these types of gays. I know a few but they bemoan the lack of ‘product’ in my bathroom (like I’m supposed to lay on Clinique products and an array of fragrances when they go for a piss!) Silly queens

  7. I thought Ina Garten was made up! She’s named Ina Garten? (I’ll have to google her.) “In a Garden” was the way I read it. A cute play on words for a character’s name. Either way, I love your Ina Garten bits and hope you don’t have to “cease and desist.”

    • You should, I think she used to be in politics over there.

      It’s all in homage to her, really

  8. ahaha Joe!!! LOL! I think she would take you on if your wore your little green Tippi Hendren outfit to the interview.

  9. Anonymous

     /  October 8, 2015

    hi in a which wine would you have

  10. hi my name s greg i am having a party what type of food would you request


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