You may recall a Food Network parody I posted a while back taking off Ina Garten and a segment of her Barefoot Contessa show, “Ask Ina!” (She says it with an exclamation so it is deserving of its punctuation here)
I invited readers to ask questions of Ina and I answered them with suitably silly replies.
But lately I’ve been receiving actual cooking questions from random people. I even answered one truthfully as I felt sorry they had found me and thought Ina Garten was actually writing for my site.
But now another has arrived I am a bit concerned, partly because they are asking how to stop their brownies going oily, I honestly don’t know having never had an oily brownie problem. But also, what if Ina Garten uses her millions to try to shut me down and sue me?
Is it possible? Isn’t it clear that no one could mistake the drivel that I spout as coming from the mouth of Ina?
In case I incur the wrath of the Barefoot Contessa I am apologising herewith:
I apologise if people have confused my use of you on my site as being you. I thought if I had photoshopped a handlebar mustache on you and had you plying your trade outside mens public restrooms that they wouldn’t think this was actually you.
I assumed by casting you in a murder mystery where you (spoiler alert) found out your husband Jeffrey had murdered numerous TV chefs in his quest for something I can’t remember and can’t be bothered to refresh my memory on, that people would know you this didn’t actually happen. Since Nigella Lawson wasn’t found dead in your bathroom holding a turkey twizzler since she only just released a new book and series.
I assumed they knew it wouldn’t actually be you giving high leg kicks in the musical version of the murder mystery.
I assumed they would know there wasn’t actually a Food Network Olympics.
I am terribly sorry for the confusion that resulted in me misleading your fans.
I only feature you to pay tribute to you, I’m a fan myself, and if there is ever an opening in your gay entourage I hope you will consider me worthy. The distance between us doesn’t matter, I saw an episode recently and you featured a queen from London giving table setting advice. Maybe I can offer something equally fabulous, I know this is a prerequisite to being in your gang. I just need to think of something I am fabulous at. I’ll get back to you on that one.
Also, please don’t sue me, you have shitloads of money and I have none.
PS: Can you tell me how to stop brownies from becoming oily.