Like many British TV success stories before it such as The Office and er….oh. There aren’t many British shows that have taken to being adapted in America, that is until my sitcom Home(less) Where The Heart Is becomes a stateside sensation after it was bought up by HBO/NBC/ABC or BS, I forget which one it was.
I’ve been in discussions with casting agents on who best to portray these characters that are close to my heart, I didn’t want them to veer too much from their origins, of course, it’s a given that being set in America they will have to swap their addiction for Special Brew for crystal meth but that will only add to the hilarious adventures Harold and Brenda will embark on.
Brenda will be played by Rachel from Friends who was eager to shed her image as Rachel from Friends, her beau, Harold’s role will be filled by real life Hobo wannabee Russell Crowe – a role he has unintentionally been auditioning for his whole life.
Convenience store owner Mr Pickles will take on a harder edge, no longer will he be chasing Harold and Brenda away from his storefront with his broom, now he has a semi-automatic to ward off would be thieves. They’ll think twice before stealing that furniture polish to inhale.
Who’ll forget the hijinks when guest star Joan Collins used to appear as Sweary Mary, she of the knicker itch, and the episode where she confronted Harold with their illegitimate ‘baby’, which turned out to just be a discarded bag of fish and chips. Olympia Dukakis will take up the role of Sweary Mary and she has been taking method acting to Daniel Day-Lewis levels by living out of a dumpster and snarling insults at passers by.
Benefits office worker Mercedes will be played by that woman out of Bridesmaids who was keen to avoid being typecast as the funny fat chick by playing a funny fat chick who works behind a counter.
The Production company didn’t think people would warm to Traffic Warden Bernard Harcourt so after hours brainstorming together we decided he will now be a Cop, but every Cop needs a partner so we will have two characters vying for the luscious Mercedes’ affections this season. His partner will be played by Chuckles, who is a chimpanzee.
Harold and Brenda’s pals, Mickey and Trevor are renamed Bobby Joe and Roscoe. Booby Joe wheels Roscoe around in a shopping cart as Roscoe’s legs are numb from injecting heroin into his ankles. In one hilarious scene they realise they are late to sign on at the benefits office, Bobby Joe loses control of the cart and Roscoe is careering down the hill avoiding all manner of obstacles; workmen carrying a glass pane, a lady pushing her baby buggy, an old lady who stops in the street to forage for a mint in her handbag. Roscoe avoids these potential hazards only to end up smashing through the benefit office doors straight into Mercedes’ counter. She takes one look at him collapsed in the cart and brings down the closed sign on her counter. The audience erupts with laughter.
I’ve worked on a new theme tune for the American version, I’m sure this will have you humming the rest of the day, you have to sing each line like this: dum dum dum da-da da dum
Home is in a cardboard box
Home is dining on a flattened fox
Home is sleeping under the night sky
Home is spitting at passers by
Home is anywhere that you wiz
‘Cause Home-less Where..The Heart Is
Better start writing my Golden Globes acceptance speech…