Home(less) Where The Heart Is USA


Like many British TV success stories before it such as The Office and er….oh.  There aren’t many British shows that have taken to being adapted in America, that is until my sitcom Home(less) Where The Heart Is becomes a stateside sensation after it was bought up by HBO/NBC/ABC or BS, I forget which one it was.

I’ve been in discussions with casting agents on who best to portray these characters that are close to my heart, I didn’t want them to veer too much from their origins, of course, it’s a given that being set in America they will have to swap their addiction for Special Brew for crystal meth but that will only add to the hilarious adventures Harold and Brenda will embark on.

Brenda will be played by Rachel from Friends who was eager to shed her image as Rachel from Friends, her beau, Harold’s role will be filled by real life Hobo wannabee Russell Crowe – a role he has unintentionally been auditioning for his whole life.

Convenience store owner Mr Pickles will take on a harder edge, no longer will he be chasing Harold and Brenda away from his storefront with his broom, now he has a semi-automatic to ward off would be thieves.   They’ll think twice before stealing that furniture polish to inhale.

Who’ll forget the hijinks when guest star Joan Collins used to appear as Sweary Mary, she of the knicker itch,  and the episode where she confronted Harold with their illegitimate ‘baby’, which turned out to just be a discarded bag of fish and chips.   Olympia Dukakis will take up the role of Sweary Mary and she has been taking method acting to Daniel Day-Lewis levels by living out of a dumpster and snarling insults at passers by.


Benefits office worker Mercedes will be played by that woman out of Bridesmaids who was keen to avoid being typecast as the funny fat chick by playing a funny fat chick who works behind a counter.


The original Mercedes, uttering her catchphrase “Denied!”

The Production company didn’t think people would warm to Traffic Warden Bernard Harcourt so after hours brainstorming together we decided he will now be a Cop, but every Cop needs a partner so we will have two characters vying for the luscious Mercedes’ affections this season.   His partner will be played by Chuckles, who is a chimpanzee.

police chimp

Harold and Brenda’s pals, Mickey and Trevor are renamed  Bobby Joe and Roscoe.  Booby Joe wheels Roscoe around in a shopping cart as Roscoe’s legs are numb from injecting heroin into his ankles.  In one hilarious scene they realise they are late to sign on at the benefits office,  Bobby Joe loses control of the cart and Roscoe is careering down the hill avoiding all manner of obstacles; workmen carrying a glass pane, a lady pushing her baby buggy, an old lady who stops in the street to forage for a mint in her handbag.  Roscoe avoids these potential hazards only to end up smashing through the benefit office doors straight into Mercedes’ counter.  She takes one look at him collapsed in the cart and brings down the closed sign on her counter.  The audience erupts with laughter.

I’ve worked on a new theme tune for the American version, I’m sure this will have you humming the rest of the day, you have to sing each line like this:  dum dum dum da-da da dum

Home is in a cardboard box

Home is dining on a flattened fox

Home is sleeping under the night sky

Home is spitting at passers by

Home is anywhere that you wiz

‘Cause Home-less Where..The Heart Is

Better start writing my Golden Globes acceptance speech…

Leave a comment


  1. Can’t wait to download this from the PirateBay, I’m sorry I don’t buy DVD, it’s plastic and pollutes the environment. A semi automatic is the perfect substitute for a broom, and meth is the best thing that happened to America since….since…since…since whatever witty.

    • And to think I was going to give you a special guest appearance!

      • Well, then I’d ask all my family do buy the DVD and “my better than being single” to give buy for me for my bday, I just don’t wanna buy it.

        • It’s lucky it’s not a real thing then 🙂 alas, I don’t think a sitcom about homeless people would go down very well.

          • The closest to homeless on TV right now (not that I watch much) is called 2 Broke Girls, a punny show based in NYC, they have a lot of remarks that unless you are from NYC of are very familiar with the city won’t get, it’s funny to make fun of the unemployment and how then well educated people is now working in jobs that would be unthinkable. It starts with one of them homeless, so that makes it about homeless people.

  2. LOL!!! That first picture!! Ahahhaha! You know, I really really hope they make an America version of this! It is poignant, hilarious and, well, I can practically smell the characters from here! And I’ll be singing that Home is in a Cardboard box all day and far into the night! If the TV show is anything half as good as this post, you’ll have a certified hit on your hands, Joe!

    • Maybe I should actually write it than pretend it’s a real thing for a blog post. Or I’m happy for the idea to be bought up and I act as an executive producer, I’m a bit too busy to write a comedy series, I’ve gotta do some laundry and buy a birthday card for a friend, there is just no time!

      • Oh I think you should Joe!! We’d all get a huge kick out of it.

        And I bet most executive produces wear dirty clothes and have lost all their friends due to not acknowledging their birthdays! So you would fit right in!

        • I shall, I just quit my job of 15 years to concentrate on writing what is sure to make me millions

          • Did you really?? That is so cool! You are a brave soul indeed! What are you plans for your writing?

            • Nah, I’m part of the furniture now.

              I couldn’t make a penny writing, I better stick to office managing

              • Ha! Well, I’m glad to hear it. I was a little worried that you might have to go live with the Collins’s. Hmm. . . . that’s a delightful idea now that I think of it! 😀

                • That would be wonderful, the real or the made up ones

                  • How about both?

                    • I only know the french for a threesome, if we’re talking 5 people then I need to consult a French dictionary

                    • LOL!! Well I don’t think they have a word for 5 people so that’s why it can only be three or less.

                    • The rules of swinging!

                    • We are talking about people being hanged right?

                    • I forget where we were…No, hanging was on your post when they were reading books suspended with the balding Dracula selling bread in front of them. Seems we should all try our hands at advertising, looks easy

                    • It does look easy. I sent a list to McSweeney’s Internet Tendency called Bestsellers revised for People Who Are Hanging By Their Necks Until Dead market. And they rejected it because they get too many like that! I know what’s wrong with me and why I would write a list like that (I got the idea from that ad) but what’s wrong with everybody else??

                    • Hah! Superb!

  3. Oh you make me laugh. But we need to get you Photoshop… stat!

  4. Don’t listen to that “pouringmyartout” guy….he’s one big bowl of stupid soup…..

  5. Did Sweary Mary ever find a cure for her knicker itch?
    I’m asking for a friend…who’s asking for me.

  6. Ooh! Can you put a word in so that Ape could be Chuckle’s partner.

    • Great idea – a guest appearance!

      Two apes are better than one. I’ll tell the actor playing Bernard that he’s fired.

  7. Alas, this show is too clever to be picked up by any major network. Can we have Tommy Lee Jones play Mr. Pickles?

  8. Or even better, doddering old Clint Eastwood as Mr. Pickles?


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