No sooner does one legendary show end (Breaking Bad) then another crops up to fill its shoes.
Of course I’m joking as I’m talking about The Client List. After an hour in its company my brain had melted out of my ears from being completely underworked, this was truly the worst thing ever to have graced the screen.
Will I be tuning in again next week? You betcha! Whilst I love seriously good TV , I have a soft spot for complete and utter trash and once in a while one comes along such as this.
Here’s the premise…Jennifer Love Hewitt….(anyone still reading this?) gets a job in a Spa. But get this, it’s the kind of spa which specialises in happy endings for a few of its clientelle, the Client List in question.
As I began watching I wondered how they would string this along an entire series, but it all becomes clear, more of that later.
We begin at a small family gathering for her husband’s birthday in the garden of her home. Enter Cybil Shepherd wearing a Kirstie Allie fatsuit, her expressionless face seeping Botox.
Jennifer then gifts her husband a leather jacket, but he’s not happy, oh no. Not because he wanted one in suede, but it turns out Jennifer has been getting swipe-happy on the credit cards. He storms into the house like a kid who lost at pass-the-parcel and she follows him in to their expanse of a house, and I wonder if my whole flat would fit in their lounge.
He berates her for spending a fortune re-modelling their kitchen, which is fair considering they can’t keep up with their mortgage repayments. She looks a bit sheepish and then they screw on the table. Yes, with her kids and her mother sipping lemonade outside. “Whore!” You’re thinking, well, so does someone else when they graffiti that over her car further in the episode, but more of that later. (I love all this more of that later, as there is loads to tell!)
Next we’re outside as Jennifer exits a hotel spa desperately searching for a job as she bumps into an old friend. She has a brief chat with her as the valet brings her car round and Jennifer is stunned, you can imagine a stunned Jennifer Love Hewitt face since it’s her normal face, she rocks that blow up sex doll look.
Stunned when she sees her friends wheels, “How can you afford that”? she asks, and turns out she works at a spa that pays well, she recommends it to Jen and departs after throwing a wad of notes for the valet’s tip. Jennifer’s SUV then gets brought round and she embarrassingly fumbles in her purse for coinage for her tip. What this tells us is that she is really hard up, she has but nickels and dimes to pay the tip to a valet for her giant car – the shame!
Scene: We are at the spa, it looks innocuous from the outside but as she enters it is plush and exclusive. She meets the manager who appears to be a drag queen, she isn’t but she is completely modelled on one, it’s hilarious. Divine gives her the job within 30 seconds! National employment crisis – what national employment crisis!
She goes home to celebrate and grumpy hubby shows his happiness through gritted teeth, emasculating him with her role as the sole breadwinner.
First day jitters at work for Jen, she takes a breath and gets ready to massage her first client, and as luck would have it, a hot client! But soon he gets wandering hands and shocks innocent Jen, I mean, it’s not as if she fucks on the dining room table with her kids and her mother drinking lemonade and eating hot dogs outside.
She therefore learns this is how things roll down at the spa, so she storms out to the Drag Madame and clearly states this ain’t her thing. Madame says, “Chill sister, we have normal clients, the hand shandy is only reserved for a few select people”. Satisfied with not sacrificing her high morals, Jen knocks off for the day.
Jen gets home only to find her hubby has read the remainder of the script and wants nothing to do with the show for fear of it ruining his career, so he has upped and left.
Back at work and stressed from bank demands and concerned why Cybil Shepherd keeps ballooning with each scene, Jen toils with massaging ugly clients for paltry tips while her co-workers flash their wads of cash earned from their snake charming exploits.
After another letter from the bank she decides it’s time to slap some salami for the sake of her family. Cue a return of hot guys to her table.
This was fairly ludicrous, the guys wanting their hand brake pulled were hot, they would not need to pay for someone to shake the tree, they’d have people queuing up to do it.
After a montage of some oiled up men and Jen in sexy negligees, she has a middle-aged chap on her table. He doesn’t want a happy ending as he loves his wife but they can no longer communicate. She offers some advice to help his marriage.
And herein we see where this show will take us. It’s basically Ghost Whisperer but instead of helping people by interpreting messages from spectral visions, she solves people’s problems through the medium of masturbation.
When she leaves work her car is daubed with the word ‘WHORE’, it turns out it is this guys wife who did it and she is waiting for her back at her house too.
But instead of an angry face-off ensuing, Jen dishes out more advice, this time without resorting to genital massage. Well, it was in the middle of the street and whilst Jen happily shags on her dining room table with her kids and her mother drinking lemonade and eating hot dogs and playing ball right outside, she won’t masturbate this woman in the street. So instead she tells her to fight for her marriage, the wife then smiles and departs, grateful for the counselling services of this bishop beating female.
We also witness another story arc where her hubby’s brother is on the scene, checking if she is ok, mowing her lawn without his top on. Something tells me they are going to hit it off – I just hope that dining table has good supports.
Later she’s giving him the flirt-eye outside her bedroom when her phone rings. It’s her husband. Having failed the audition for a part in Mad Men, he’s back on the phone to Executive Producer Jennifer Love Hewitt to see if he can return to his role of emasculated husband.
Fade to black