With anticipation for the London Olympics reaching fever pitch in 0.02% of the population, it is with much excitement that some new events have just been added to the roster for the first time and are open to the general public to participate.
Qualifying rounds will be taking place the weekend of 3/4th March, to participate please contact Sebastian Coe directly at sebcoe@olympicsizedwasteofmoney.co.uk
Herewith are the newly added events:
The Molotov Relay
The traditional baton is replaced by a Molotov cocktail.
A dropped Molotov results in instant disqualification from the race and third degree burns
200m Looting Dash
Participants will ransack an electrical store for a 50inch TV and run 200 metres down the road to their mate’s van.
The 100m dash is now cancelled due to parking restrictions outside the shops.
The Hobo Bridge Toss
This event is made up of two parts inspired by the javelin and platform diving.
Entrants will each have one homeless tramp with the aim of throwing them off of Tower Bridge.
Points are awarded for distance aswell as the hobo’s dive.
It is acceptable to decant spare change from the beggar’s pockets to aid the trajectory of the throw.
Pigeon Golf
Set in Trafalgar Square, golfers will be aiming at the ‘flag’ which will be a group of pigeons attracted by some carefully placed vomit on the ‘greens’ .
A hole in one is achieved if a pigeon is hit on the first attempt.
Par is 3 for each hole, if a pigeon is only maimed after 3 shots then you automatically concede the hole.
Pick Pocket Marathon
A gruelling 26 mile trip around London’s most familiar sights.
The pick pocket marathon will take place concurrently with the original Marathon, with the pick pocketers travelling along the route and lifting as many objects from spectators as they can.
After 26 miles the booty is totaled up and the winner revealed.
Anti-Capitalism Throw
Athletes are tested on their ability to throw a concrete block through a McDonald’s window.
Success is achieved over three rounds:
- At a distance of 10 metres with a bank of newspaper photographers causing a distraction with multiple flashes
- At a distance of 20 metres with a row of armoured police in between the athlete and the target
- At a distance of 40 metres whilst being ‘kettled’ by the police with other participants and passers-by
Awards Ceremony
Dammit someone forgot the podium
El Guapo
/ February 3, 2012The Olympics just got interesting!
Hell yeah, I’d watch now!
joehoover
/ February 4, 2012Unless they steal your TV first
missbsupholstery
/ February 3, 2012Pick pocket marathon is my fav!
joehoover
/ February 4, 2012where’s my wallet?
Jimi
/ February 3, 2012Absolutely made my day, luv it!
joehoover
/ February 4, 2012glad to help, you been working on the interview questions I sent?
patokeeffe
/ February 3, 2012Hilarious! I’m going to send my entry through to Seb right now.
joehoover
/ February 4, 2012you can do all of the events – the hexathalon
gingerfightback
/ February 4, 2012No ticket fiasco for these events either – loved it!
joehoover
/ February 4, 2012None at all, any spectators can send me £20 and they will get a ticket no problem
life is a bowl of kibble
/ February 4, 2012This was GROSS and INSENITIVE and, and funny as hell. Pigeons and Podiums. Hilarious!
joehoover
/ February 4, 2012I have been casting a bad image of London lately, I’ll write a love letter to London soon.
bschooled
/ February 6, 2012A dropped Molotov results in instant disqualification from the race and third degree burns…”
I’m cry-laughing.
lovelyshadesofnostalgia
/ February 7, 2012Too funny. I had actually forgotten there were Olympics. . . this year. Is that bad?
joehoover
/ February 7, 2012Not at all, we are trying to forget!
I was aiming to go away but these are the times all my colleagues with kids take holidays so I’ll have to man the office and tolerate the extra crowds. Contemplating renting my spare room though, everyone else is cashing in
joehoover
/ July 27, 2012Reblogged this on londonsurvival and commented:
As promised here is a frankly quite lazy reblog, but it’s finally topical so the ends justify the means. Although I’m not quite sure about my original comment about only 0.02% of the population are interested in the Olympics as everyone on my Facebook is going bezerk over the Olympics being here. I even got chastised for changing my Facebook thumbnail to a plastic turd with an Olympics flag in it. (I was awarding it to whoever guessed which tube line failed first today)
Is this just further proof that mass hypnosis is a real thing? So before I get Stepford Wive’d I’ll just reblog my tongue in cheek post about the Olympics.
gingerfightback
/ July 27, 2012Love it! captures the true spirit of the games in the shite hole that is Newham. More!
joehoover
/ July 27, 2012Thank god some people haven’t lost their sense of humour. It’s reminding me of 1984 so I better be careful to criticise again.
Ape No. 1
/ July 27, 2012Haha! I really need to go through your archives Joe.
joehoover
/ July 27, 2012I’ll save you the trouble and rehash stuff when I’ve got writers block
kayjai
/ July 27, 2012Thanks for the laugh this morning, I really needed it! Awesome…especially the hobo bridge toss…hahahaha….
joehoover
/ July 27, 2012Thank you for getting it, some people in London think I am being miserable about it, what happened to the great british sense of humour, and especially to laugh at ourselves.
kayjai
/ July 27, 2012Really? I’m surprised they don’t see the humor! It’s very good, Joe. Nice job.
Madame Weebles
/ July 27, 2012Genius. That’s all I can say. This is the kind of thing that should be published far and wide for everyone to enjoy. I laughed my ass off. Which is a bit problematic but I’ll deal with it.
joehoover
/ July 27, 2012Hate it when that happens 😉
Laura
/ July 29, 2012I’m not watching much of the actual Olympics, but I’d definitely tune in for the Pickpocket Marathon.
BTW, I sent you some mail — it looks like you’re kind of half-subscribed to my blog.
joehoover
/ July 30, 2012Thanks for that, I got it and confirmed the link, will have some catching up to do now!
Main Street Musings Blog
/ July 30, 2012OMG! Hilarious! This piece is destined for Funny Times newspaper.
joehoover
/ July 30, 2012I’d love to be published instead of just the moaning letters I write to my local newspaper
Cakes and Shakes...
/ July 31, 2012Eew @ the pigeons, gross! Rats with wings indeed!
joehoover
/ July 31, 2012Don’t let Brian Pigeon here you say that, he’s London’s premier Pigeon who blogs
Cakes and Shakes...
/ July 31, 2012Those darn fancy London pigeons with their opposable thumbs and their Apple products…
appletonavenue
/ August 10, 2012The Hobo Bridge Toss. My favorite! Though, I imagine the hobos may not like it.
joehoover
/ August 11, 2012It’s good they are part of it, no one excluded
appletonavenue
/ August 11, 2012Right.