London Olympics – New events just added!!!

With anticipation for the London Olympics reaching fever pitch in 0.02% of the population, it is with much excitement that some new events have just been added to the roster for the first time and are open to the general public to participate.

Qualifying rounds will be taking place the weekend of 3/4th March, to participate please contact Sebastian Coe directly at sebcoe@olympicsizedwasteofmoney.co.uk

Herewith are the newly added events:

The Molotov Relay

The traditional baton is replaced by a Molotov cocktail.

A dropped Molotov results in instant disqualification from the race and third degree burns

200m Looting Dash

Participants will ransack an electrical store for a 50inch TV and run 200 metres down the road to their mate’s van.

The 100m dash is now cancelled due to parking restrictions outside the shops.

On your marks...get set...GO!

The Hobo Bridge Toss

This event is made up of two parts inspired by the javelin and platform diving.

Entrants will each have one homeless tramp with the aim of throwing them off of Tower Bridge.

Points are awarded for distance aswell as the hobo’s dive.

It is acceptable to decant spare change from the beggar’s pockets to aid the trajectory of the throw.

Pigeon Golf

Set in Trafalgar Square, golfers will be aiming at the ‘flag’ which will be a group of pigeons attracted by some carefully placed vomit on the ‘greens’ .

A hole in one is achieved if a pigeon is hit on the first attempt.

Par is 3 for each hole, if a pigeon is only maimed after 3 shots then you automatically concede the hole.

FORE!!

Pick Pocket Marathon

A gruelling 26 mile trip around London’s most familiar sights.

The pick pocket marathon will take place concurrently with the original Marathon, with the pick pocketers travelling along the route and lifting as many objects from spectators as they can.

After 26 miles the booty is totaled up and the winner revealed.

Anti-Capitalism Throw

Athletes are tested on their ability to throw a concrete block through a McDonald’s window.

Success is achieved over three rounds:

  1. At a distance of 10 metres with a bank of  newspaper photographers causing a distraction with multiple flashes
  2. At a distance of 20 metres with a row of armoured police in between the athlete and the target
  3. At a distance of 40 metres whilst being ‘kettled’ by the police with other participants and passers-by

Awards Ceremony

Dammit someone forgot the podium

Advertisements
Leave a comment

35 Comments

  1. The Olympics just got interesting!
    Hell yeah, I’d watch now!

    Reply
  2. Pick pocket marathon is my fav!

    Reply
  3. Jimi

     /  February 3, 2012

    Absolutely made my day, luv it!

    Reply
  4. Hilarious! I’m going to send my entry through to Seb right now.

    Reply
  5. No ticket fiasco for these events either – loved it!

    Reply
  6. This was GROSS and INSENITIVE and, and funny as hell. Pigeons and Podiums. Hilarious!

    Reply
  7. A dropped Molotov results in instant disqualification from the race and third degree burns…”

    I’m cry-laughing.

    Reply
  8. Too funny. I had actually forgotten there were Olympics. . . this year. Is that bad?

    Reply
    • Not at all, we are trying to forget!

      I was aiming to go away but these are the times all my colleagues with kids take holidays so I’ll have to man the office and tolerate the extra crowds. Contemplating renting my spare room though, everyone else is cashing in

      Reply
  9. Reblogged this on londonsurvival and commented:

    As promised here is a frankly quite lazy reblog, but it’s finally topical so the ends justify the means. Although I’m not quite sure about my original comment about only 0.02% of the population are interested in the Olympics as everyone on my Facebook is going bezerk over the Olympics being here. I even got chastised for changing my Facebook thumbnail to a plastic turd with an Olympics flag in it. (I was awarding it to whoever guessed which tube line failed first today)
    Is this just further proof that mass hypnosis is a real thing? So before I get Stepford Wive’d I’ll just reblog my tongue in cheek post about the Olympics.

    Reply
  10. Haha! I really need to go through your archives Joe.

    Reply
  11. Thanks for the laugh this morning, I really needed it! Awesome…especially the hobo bridge toss…hahahaha….

    Reply
    • Thank you for getting it, some people in London think I am being miserable about it, what happened to the great british sense of humour, and especially to laugh at ourselves.

      Reply
  12. Genius. That’s all I can say. This is the kind of thing that should be published far and wide for everyone to enjoy. I laughed my ass off. Which is a bit problematic but I’ll deal with it.

    Reply
  13. I’m not watching much of the actual Olympics, but I’d definitely tune in for the Pickpocket Marathon.

    BTW, I sent you some mail — it looks like you’re kind of half-subscribed to my blog.

    Reply
  14. OMG! Hilarious! This piece is destined for Funny Times newspaper.

    Reply
  15. Eew @ the pigeons, gross! Rats with wings indeed!

    Reply
  16. The Hobo Bridge Toss. My favorite! Though, I imagine the hobos may not like it.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: