The Queen – 60 years of service

The Queen, or Gunny Woozly Fag Munch as Philip calls her  (nickname generator) celebrates 60 years on the throne today.

To mark the occasion Her Majesty commissioned some new photographs:

The Queen plans an extensive tour of the UK this year but has no plans to visit other parts of the Commonwealth instead opting to pass those duties onto other members of her family, it’s ok though as she is on BA’s Avios points family plan so anyone in her family can add to her frequent flyer tally.  She’ll soon have enough for a return flight to Alicante where she plans to spend two weeks in Benidorm topping up her tan and getting wrecked on Lambrini.

The Queen isn’t required to have a passport and just orders her bodyguard to produce a £10 note to prove her identity when checking through customs which is handy as you’d be surprised about the amount of immigrants trying to pass themselves off by dressing in royal attire, donning a sceptre and crown and putting on a posh voice through airport security.

An imposter is sent straight back to Burkina Faso

The Queen doesn’t carry her own money either as she is free to take whatever she wants at will.  This often causes much hilarity when she is caught shoplifting in Asda and the shop assistant reminds her that she doesn’t have to pay for things anyway.

Without the need for a purse, what does she carry in her handbag?  Royal biographers confirm she always makes sure she has a pack of cough candy’s, an issue of Sudoku World and a spare Tena Lady.

In 60 years she has witnessed the size of her empire reduce, and in other countries they are attempting to rid themselves of sovereignty.  In Australia they are making concerted efforts to replace The Queen with Oprah Winfrey.

Oprah’s visit to Australia included a flotilla of 21 yachts which has seen the Queen stick it to her by commissioning 1000 boats at her Diamond Jubilee.  Reports suggest Oprah is none too pleased with the Queens elaborate retaliation and will like nothing better than ousting her from head of State.

Their rivalry dates back many years ever since Oprah’s earnings saw her outstrip The Queen, she already made a dig at HRH on her tour of Australia in 2010.  Oprah knowing The Queen is a fan of the pearl necklace gave away a pearl necklace to each of the 6000 strong audience at the filming of one of her Australian broadcasts, this was met with bemusement by her Sydney based gay fans who were expecting a different kind of pearl necklace.

J K Rowling, herself a recent addition to the billionaires club is also getting into the mix when she hid subliminal anti-Oprah/The Queen messages in the text of the final Harry Potter adventure, making references to Oprah’s yo-yo’ing weight and The Queen’s penchant for S & M games.

The Monarch’s role has certainly changed from when her ancestors were in power where they would spend their spare time ordering the beheading of anyone who got on their nerves, The Queen is far more relaxed and likes nothing better than lounging around any one of her palaces in a velour tracksuit watching Loose Women and playing online bingo.

In events marking her 60 years of service, the London borough of Greenwich is being made into a Royal Borough, only the 4th such borough in London.  Camden was overlooked for some reason

There we have it, a small insight into the person behind the crown and frumpy outfits.  So next time you throw some change at a homeless, steal a fiver from your mum’s purse, or lick the back of her head when mailing your child support cheque, spare a thought for the woman on the flip side of the coin, the note or the stamp.

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10 Comments

  1. Thank you for the insight into the bizarre (to an American) rules of the monarchy.
    So glad we sloughed it off all those years ago and replaced it with our (oh so sane) democratic republic.

    Reply
    • I look forward to the scrapping of the monarchy when they plan to introduce an American Idol (X Factor for the UK) type contest to crown our next ruler.

      Reply
  2. Thank you for providing us with such insight into the Queen’s life. I never knew I had so much in common with her, what with the many days I spend wearing velour tracksuits and playing online bingo. She’s a kindred spirit! (although I’m kinda rooting for Oprah…)

    Reply
  3. I do often wonder if some of my references are understood on the other side of the pond. Are they?

    Loose Women is like The View (which I saw in Australia) but far more common. And where the Queen shoplifts, Asda, is a cheap supermarket, I think Wall Mart owns it.

    People who watch Loose Women and shop at Asda also go to Benidorm in Spain which is just like the worst aspects of Britain transplanted there, eveyone gets blind drunk and eats crap English food instead of anything Spanish.

    I might start adding a glossary in future.

    Reply
    • Prior to reading this comment, I was going to state that I believed many of the words and phrases in this post to be made up. Except for “pearl necklace.” I know that one.

      Reply
      • All real! I try and use American terms for things now and then, I tried to most on the Food Network stories, most readers are American so try and do my best but am probably way off!

        A glossary might not be a bad idea then when I writing too London-centrically!

        Reply
        • The best thing about writing up a glossary for us Yanks would be that you COULD start making up terms. They’d spread across the US like wildfire. Next thing you know, all Americans would assume that “baby-sitter” is slang for whore, and that everyone in England refers to sex as “ponies.com.”

          Reply
  1. All Hail The Queen « londonsurvival

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