A murder mystery starring the chefs of Food Network
Previously on A Recipe for Murder:
With Duff Goldman, Giada DeLaurentis and Paula Deen all found murdered, it’s up to the surviving Food Network stars, Rachel Ray and Ina Garten along with her trusted gay sidekick TR to unravel the mystery of Jeffrey’s disappearance, solve the murders of the other Food Network chefs and create some new recipes in time for the Food Network Easter Special.
Coming up on the season finale of A Recipe for Murder:
A ban-marie of intrigue, a sauteing of confusion and a spit roast of answers. All is revealed in the stunning conclusion to A Recipe for Murder
Ina, Rachel and TR stood over Paula Deen’s bloated corpse
“Well there’s no fucking chance we can drag her body outside” Rachel said
“We’ll have to leave here there” Ina sighed wearily, the stresses of multiple murders in her East Hampton home taking its toll.
“I’m gonna make us all some coffee” TR said as he fired up the espresso machine
“Make mine a Grande triple five-pump mocha, non-fat, no foam, caramel top” Ina said “I have some of my Tennessee ice box cookies in the freezer too, I’ll put the oven on”
Rachel stared at them in disbelief
“This is no time for a coffee break, we have a murderer on our ass” She said.
“There’s always time for coffee” TR replied “We need to take a step back and figure out what we are gonna do”
Ina set up the coffee nook up with wicker trays, she lay out blue linen napkins and arranged some daffodils to complete the relaxed ‘time out’ theme she was aiming for. She removed the cookies from the oven as TR completed his barista duties.
A short while later, Ina began to feel drowsy
“This coffee…” she said, her vision blurred, she looked at Rachel who was now in the same state as their eyes forced themselves closed.
–
Rachel woke in darkness, she was tied up by the waist in the basement
“What the fuck is this” She said, then she noticed the figure standing over her.
“I’m not going to hurt you Rachel, well, I won’t be I can’t stop him from doing anything”
Rachel Ray’s eyes became accustomed to the darkness and she recognised the figure before her. It was TR.
–
Ina was bound to a garden chair, she came to, drooling at the mouth and her vision began to return
The garden setting Miguel was working on earlier that day was complete, candles lined the pathway, fairy lights tangled in the leaves of trees twinkled gently. A table was dressed, adorned with flowers just the way Ina liked it, different types of flowers but all in the same colour, the stems cut so they would all be the same height. Her wedding china was laid out in two place settings. It was beautiful.
“Good evening darling” The voice said behind her
–
“TR, Ina is your best friend, how could you do this to her?” Rachel said
“Money to fund my own show Rachel, I want my name in the TV Guide, it’s going to be called ‘TR ER’ My emergency room will be full of people needing advice from a good looking homosexual, anything from interior design to marriage counselling, to finding the perfect gift for a baby shower. I asked Ina for help getting it off the ground, but she shot it down without any thought”
“Hmmm…well I had noticed your website says you are a co-host on Barefoot Contessa – you’re an extra TR, nothing more and never will be, some people have it, some don’t”
He slapped Rachel across the face
She bit her lip tasting the blood which formed there
–
“Jeff..Jeffrey, how did you escape, where is Jamie Oliver? You won’t believe what’s been happening, Are you okay?” Ina said “Help me out of this”
“Ina, you disappoint me, I think you really know what’s been happening here” Jeffrey replied. He sat in the opposite chair. Ina looked at him quizzically.
“You saw the ice cream on the kitchen floor, very lax on my part I know but I thought you would have put two and two together. And don’t tell me you didn’t know about the underground passageway connecting the main house and the summer house – how else did I get back from killing Duff and Giada without anyone seeing me”
“No, it can’t..is he making you say this?”
–
“I need some water TR” Rachel said.
TR went upstairs to the kitchen whilst Rachel tried to wriggle out of the ropes, TR returned with the water as he approached and knelt to give her the water she acrobatically swung her legs up and gripped them round TR’s neck and twisted her hips snapping his spinal cord.
–
“Enough Ina!” Jeffrey said raising his voice. “You never take me seriously; treating me like a 4-year-old, spoon-feeding me my dinner, asking if I’ll be alright on my own in the garden whilst you finish frosting your angel food cake. You’re always gallivanting around with your homosexuals and when we finally got to be alone when Food Network took us to London, you left me to ride on that bus on my own all day why you met up with your London gays”
“But it’s all for you Jeffrey, I just fill my time til you get back from working, I have chicken ready for you every Friday….”
“And that’s another thing, I’m fucking sick of chicken, you try to jazz up the usual roast chicken by making a chicken salad, I mean, seriously, a salad after my long drive, a fucking salad. And that one from the Barefoot Contessta store at that – chicken broccoli salad which you always brought back leftovers of, I never want to see that fucking salad again – or was it just that you had no time to cook as you have been partying with the Fire Island brigade all week! Food Network has ruined my life!”
“But the turkey twizzler, Jessica Fletcher figured it must be..”
“To throw you off the scent, to get all those Food Network chefs here, you didn’t think I was capable, to create diversions, the hidden message in the Arti Party recipe, the twizzler, pretty genius if I say so myself, and that’s not even the best bit, those gays you adore so much were only to willing to help, all I needed to do was dangle something in front of them”
“What?” Ina sobbed
“Yes, I offered them a carrot in the form of $1 million dollars, Miguel did a wonderful job on the garden setting don’t you think, and I couldn’t have done it without TR’s help”
“TR?!” Ina exclaimed through her sobbing.
“By now Rachel will be dead too, and in less time it takes to make one of her 30 minute meals, the final act will be complete as you will be dead too”
At that moment Rachel leapt from behind the hedgerow and swung a griddle pan at Jeffrey’s head “How easy is that!” She said borrowing from Ina’s trademarked vocabulary.
–
Paramedics and police swarmed the Garten estate, Ina and Rachel were sat covered in foil sheets being questioned by a detective.
Jeffrey’s body and those of the Food Network stars who had passed their sell by date were zipped into mortuary bags and were being wheeled into waiting ambulances.
The coroners assistants were struggling with Paula Deen’s body, they hadn’t a bag big enough.
“I have a marquee in the summer house you can use” Ina indicated.
The paramedics nodded and headed towards the summer house.
Rachel turned to Ina
“What happens now?” She said
Ina cast her gaze over the chaos around her.
“We cook Rachel. We cook”
joehoover
/ March 12, 2012Well done to Laura and Guapo for correctly solving the mystery ahead of the final instalment, there is surely a crime solving future ahead for you both.
bestbathroombooks
/ March 12, 2012I still can’t believe Paula Deen lived long enough to be murdered.
joehoover
/ March 12, 2012She managed three episodes into the story, her greed got the better of her
pouringmyartout
/ March 12, 2012How about a last man standing free for all death match between everyone on the food network. I bet that chairman guy on Iron Chef would win. Unless that is a stand in double doing the fancy flips for him. I will most likely watch the part where that Sweet Genius guy gets split in half with a big cleaver before Bobby Flay flays the skin off him with a flaying knife. And if anyone scoops out Paula Deans innards with a melon baller, I won’t cry about it.
joehoover
/ March 13, 2012We should have worked together on this, you have some neat ideas!
pouringmyartout
/ March 13, 2012I have a mental disorder, but you phrased that very politely.
El Guapo
/ March 13, 2012I would read that.
But I think Sweet Genius guy can snap, and easily take Bobby. Possibly Emiril too…
joehoover
/ March 13, 2012I don’t know this guy, I’ll keep an eye out in the schedules
pouringmyartout
/ March 13, 2012Yeah, he could be psychotic enough to have tantrums like the hulk
Laura
/ March 16, 2012A death match between the Japanese Iron Chefs and the American Iron Chefs could be pretty entertaining.
joehoover
/ March 16, 2012Can they use kitchen utensil weapons?
Laura
/ March 16, 2012Yeah, but I feel sorry for poor Wylie Dufresne with only a thermal immersion circulator to defend himself with.
pouringmyartout
/ March 16, 2012ok, you are on to something now… this whole cooking thing is a waste of time. All those knives and graters, grinders, ovens, blenders, flames…. what about a torture-off?
joehoover
/ March 16, 2012Guys, I’m loving this idea. Can it be USA vs Britain? I’ll write a post introducing you to our tv chefs. We’d lose as they’re so lame but I just want to see them battered.
How can this idea be patented before a network actually does this?
pouringmyartout
/ March 16, 2012Ha ha, you said battered… about chefs… that’s funny.
Next, we can deep fry them.
The Hobbler
/ March 12, 2012That is so funny Joe…leave it to you to run around murdering people. Or at least writing aout it. 😉
joehoover
/ March 13, 2012It’s all over now, after 5 episodes I cannot kill off any more Food Network stars, I have some pieces tied into it write, a musical version and a comparison to our British Food tv stars but no more deaths.
El Guapo
/ March 13, 2012When they option this for a mini series. please insist that Danny Devito play Ina.
Well done Joe!
joehoover
/ March 13, 2012Hah, brilliant! I’m working on The Musical right now, but I like the idea of cross gendering them.
Main Street Musings Blog
/ March 13, 2012Love your clever imagination! And I just can’t compete with bestbathroombooks hilarious comment!
joehoover
/ March 13, 2012I’m gonna milk it for as long as I can, your chefs are so much more fun than ours in the UK, I’ve the musical version of the story planned, you can catch it on Broadway by the end of the year
Tor Constantino, MBA
/ March 13, 2012A wildly entertaining post – I’m kind of surprised that Guy Fieri didn’t “whack” somebody or Iron Chef Masaharu Morimoto didn’t “Ginsu” somebody else. Maybe I missed that episode…
joehoover
/ March 13, 2012Thanks, it sounds like a few people have come into the series a bit late, now you all know the ending! This was the final instalment out of 5 episodes.
Guy Fieri didn’t last too long, it’s the female Food Network stars who had the balls in this tale.
cestlavie22
/ March 14, 2012LOL! Can I just say that I was seriously trying to understand why I had not heard of this show! Awesome post!
joehoover
/ March 15, 2012I fear it’s success is going to the Food Network stars heads now
ashazenzi
/ March 14, 2012This is too much comical genius packed into one post! I was riveted! You had me at the murder of Giada (her dishes never come out right in my kitchen!) but you kept me til the end!
joehoover
/ March 15, 2012Thank you, I’m glad you read from the start, only downside to WordPress is someone may only catch the end of a series, then it’s all ruined. I cannot say I’ve followed a Giada recipe, I am always astounded by the size of her head.
Laura
/ March 16, 2012I loved this. Maybe Rachael can get a spinoff called 30 Minute Murders.
joehoover
/ March 16, 2012Oooh, love that idea. I’m sure she would too.
John Runningen
/ July 10, 2014Clever . . . all of us foodies will love this.
joehoover
/ July 10, 2014Thank you, hopefully the stars will think so too and hold off suing me for defamation