A Recipe for Murder – The Finale

A murder mystery starring the chefs of Food Network

Previously on A Recipe for Murder:  

With Duff Goldman, Giada DeLaurentis and Paula Deen all found murdered, it’s up to the surviving Food Network stars, Rachel Ray and Ina Garten along with her trusted gay sidekick TR to unravel the mystery of Jeffrey’s disappearance, solve the murders of the other Food Network chefs and create some new recipes in time for the Food Network Easter Special.

Coming up on the season finale of A Recipe for Murder:  

A ban-marie of intrigue, a sauteing of confusion and a spit roast of answers.  All is revealed in the stunning conclusion to A Recipe for Murder

Have you noticed how big Ina Garten's hands are?! Like shovels

Ina, Rachel and TR stood over Paula Deen’s bloated corpse

“Well there’s no fucking chance we can drag her body outside”  Rachel said

“We’ll have to leave here there” Ina sighed wearily, the stresses of multiple murders in her East Hampton home taking its toll.

“I’m gonna make us all some coffee” TR said as he fired up the espresso machine

“Make mine a Grande triple five-pump mocha, non-fat, no foam, caramel top”  Ina said “I have some of my Tennessee ice box cookies in the freezer too, I’ll put the oven on”

Rachel stared at them in disbelief

“This is  no time for a coffee break, we have a murderer on our ass” She said.

“There’s always time for coffee” TR replied “We need to take a step back and figure out what we are gonna do”

Ina set up the coffee nook up with wicker trays, she lay out blue linen napkins and arranged some daffodils to complete the relaxed ‘time out’  theme she was aiming for.  She removed the cookies from the oven as TR completed his barista duties.

A short while later, Ina began to feel drowsy

“This coffee…” she said, her vision blurred, she looked at Rachel who was now in the same state as their eyes forced themselves closed.

Rachel woke in darkness, she was tied up by the waist in the basement

“What the fuck is this” She said, then she noticed the figure standing over her.

“I’m not going to hurt you Rachel, well, I won’t be I can’t stop him from doing anything”

Rachel Ray’s eyes became accustomed to the darkness and she recognised the figure before her.  It was TR.

Ina was bound to a garden chair, she came to, drooling at the mouth and her vision began to return

The garden setting Miguel was working on earlier that day was complete, candles lined the pathway, fairy lights tangled in the leaves of trees twinkled gently.   A table was dressed, adorned with flowers just the way Ina liked it, different types of flowers but all in the same colour, the stems cut so they would all be the same height.   Her wedding china was laid out in two place settings.  It was beautiful.

“Good evening darling”  The voice said behind her

“TR, Ina is your best friend, how could you do this to her?”  Rachel said

“Money to fund my own show Rachel, I want my name in the TV Guide, it’s going to be called ‘TR ER’  My emergency room will be full of people needing advice from a good looking homosexual, anything from interior design to marriage counselling, to finding the perfect gift for a baby shower.  I asked Ina for help getting it off the ground, but she shot it down without any thought”

“Hmmm…well I had noticed your website says you are a co-host on Barefoot Contessa – you’re an extra TR, nothing more and never will be, some people have it, some don’t”

He slapped Rachel across the face

She bit her lip tasting the blood which formed there

“Jeff..Jeffrey, how did you escape, where is Jamie Oliver?  You won’t believe what’s been happening, Are you okay?”  Ina said “Help me out of this”

“Ina, you disappoint me, I think you really know what’s been happening here” Jeffrey replied.  He sat in the opposite chair.  Ina looked at him quizzically.

“You saw the ice cream on the kitchen floor, very lax on my part I know but I thought you would have put two and two together.   And don’t tell me you didn’t know about the underground passageway connecting the main house and the summer house – how else did I get back from killing Duff and Giada without anyone seeing me”

“No, it can’t..is he making you say this?”

“I need some water TR” Rachel said.

TR went upstairs to the kitchen whilst Rachel tried to wriggle out of the ropes, TR returned with the water as he approached and knelt to give her the water she acrobatically swung her legs up and gripped them round TR’s neck and twisted her hips snapping his spinal cord.

“Enough Ina!”  Jeffrey said raising his voice.  “You never take me seriously; treating me like a 4-year-old, spoon-feeding me my dinner, asking if I’ll be alright on my own in the garden whilst you finish frosting your angel food cake.  You’re always gallivanting around with your homosexuals and when we finally got to be alone when Food Network took us to London, you left me to ride on that bus on my own all day why you met up with your London gays”

“But it’s all for you Jeffrey, I just fill my time til you get back from working, I have chicken ready for you every Friday….”

“And that’s another thing, I’m fucking sick of chicken, you try to jazz up the usual roast chicken by making a chicken salad, I mean, seriously, a salad after my long drive, a fucking salad.  And that one from the Barefoot Contessta store at that – chicken broccoli salad which you always brought back leftovers of,  I never want to see that fucking salad again – or was it just that you had no time to cook as you have been partying with the Fire Island brigade all week!   Food Network has ruined my life!”

“But the turkey twizzler, Jessica Fletcher figured it must be..”

“To throw you off the scent, to get all those Food Network chefs here, you didn’t think I was capable, to create diversions, the hidden message in the Arti Party recipe, the twizzler, pretty genius if I say so myself, and that’s not even the best bit, those gays you adore so much were only to willing to help, all I needed to do was dangle something in front of them”

“What?”  Ina sobbed

“Yes, I offered them a carrot in the form of $1 million dollars, Miguel did a wonderful job on the garden setting don’t you think, and I couldn’t have done it without TR’s help”

“TR?!”  Ina exclaimed through her sobbing.

“By now Rachel will be dead too, and in less time it takes to make one of her 30 minute meals, the final act will be complete as you will be dead too”

At that moment Rachel leapt from behind the hedgerow and swung a griddle pan at Jeffrey’s head  “How easy is that!”  She said borrowing from Ina’s trademarked vocabulary.

Paramedics and police swarmed the Garten estate, Ina and Rachel were sat covered in foil sheets being questioned by a detective.

Jeffrey’s body and those of the Food Network stars who had passed their sell by date were zipped into mortuary bags and were being wheeled into waiting ambulances.

The coroners assistants were struggling with Paula Deen’s body, they hadn’t a bag big enough.

“I have a marquee in the summer house you can use”  Ina indicated.

The paramedics nodded and headed towards the summer house.

Rachel turned to Ina

“What happens now?” She said

Ina cast her gaze over the chaos around her.

“We cook Rachel.  We cook”

Advertisements
Leave a comment

31 Comments

  1. Well done to Laura and Guapo for correctly solving the mystery ahead of the final instalment, there is surely a crime solving future ahead for you both.

    Reply
  2. I still can’t believe Paula Deen lived long enough to be murdered.

    Reply
  3. How about a last man standing free for all death match between everyone on the food network. I bet that chairman guy on Iron Chef would win. Unless that is a stand in double doing the fancy flips for him. I will most likely watch the part where that Sweet Genius guy gets split in half with a big cleaver before Bobby Flay flays the skin off him with a flaying knife. And if anyone scoops out Paula Deans innards with a melon baller, I won’t cry about it.

    Reply
  4. That is so funny Joe…leave it to you to run around murdering people. Or at least writing aout it. 😉

    Reply
    • It’s all over now, after 5 episodes I cannot kill off any more Food Network stars, I have some pieces tied into it write, a musical version and a comparison to our British Food tv stars but no more deaths.

      Reply
  5. When they option this for a mini series. please insist that Danny Devito play Ina.
    Well done Joe!

    Reply
  6. Love your clever imagination! And I just can’t compete with bestbathroombooks hilarious comment!

    Reply
    • I’m gonna milk it for as long as I can, your chefs are so much more fun than ours in the UK, I’ve the musical version of the story planned, you can catch it on Broadway by the end of the year

      Reply
  7. A wildly entertaining post – I’m kind of surprised that Guy Fieri didn’t “whack” somebody or Iron Chef Masaharu Morimoto didn’t “Ginsu” somebody else. Maybe I missed that episode…

    Reply
    • Thanks, it sounds like a few people have come into the series a bit late, now you all know the ending! This was the final instalment out of 5 episodes.

      Guy Fieri didn’t last too long, it’s the female Food Network stars who had the balls in this tale.

      Reply
  8. LOL! Can I just say that I was seriously trying to understand why I had not heard of this show! Awesome post!

    Reply
  9. This is too much comical genius packed into one post! I was riveted! You had me at the murder of Giada (her dishes never come out right in my kitchen!) but you kept me til the end!

    Reply
    • Thank you, I’m glad you read from the start, only downside to WordPress is someone may only catch the end of a series, then it’s all ruined. I cannot say I’ve followed a Giada recipe, I am always astounded by the size of her head.

      Reply
  10. I loved this. Maybe Rachael can get a spinoff called 30 Minute Murders.

    Reply
  11. Clever . . . all of us foodies will love this.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: