Clumsy, ungainly and bumbling – My Week Condensed

This should be titled my year condensed since I have hardly blogged this year, I think I am also suffering something of a writer’s block.

Part of my forced absence was moving home, where once I lived in a vibrant bustling hub where I could take inspiration from the flotsam and jetsam of street life.   There is nothing quite like seeing a stockinged lady sitting on a children’s stool laughing at shoppers whilst drinking disinfectant.  Just a daily occurence back in Camden Town.

Since retiring to the suburbs, I barely see a soul – bar some youthful chavs loitering outside the corner shop, it’s like a ghost town, if I do venture into the main high street it’s an obstacle course of baby buggies tearing down the street, it would make a good video game, I’m thinking something akin to Frogger.

Or maybe Doom.

So I blame my lack of blogging input into the lack of suitable individuals who spark an idea into life, who inspire to me examine their inner workings, who…, who am I kidding, who I can rip the shit out of.

My nights mainly spent watching TV shows on netflix, scolding my hob for being electric and not gas and being bizarrely fascinated by Food Networks latest offering Pioneer Woman.   Have you seen this show, she is the anthesis of Ina Garten, where Ina happily mingles with her gay chums, Pioneer Woman would probably shoot them.   She wears the most spine tingling grin previously only seen on The Stepford Wives, husband is out fishing, chopping wood, stringing black people up from trees, whilst she and the other Stepford Wives make jam.

She appears to be a God-fearing individual but there is something satanic in that grin, those eyes, that meatloaf which looks like it was made from human flesh.

Anyway, back to My Week Condensed:

1)  I’ve seen some great gigs lately (Neutral Milk Hotel, The Rails, Superchunk)  but what I feel was missing from the music scene is a band just being loud and brash, young and stupid.  I found that band in the form of The Orwells, a montage of The Strokes, the Ramones, and Mudhoney.  Terrible lyrics about hitting on girls and getting wasted, but these are kids, it’s what they should be doing.   unfortunately the rest of the crowd were kids too so I felt rather like a warden for them being at least 20 years older than most people there.    But is was suitably raucous and invigorating so I drank along and made my way home.   Since I live so far away it took about an hour, which obviously resulted in me being in desperate need of urination.   I walk through a park to get home and instead of sensibly waiting to reach it and go behind a tree, I spied behind a church a darkened corridor hidden by shrubbery.

I aimed for the pitchblack to relieve myself only to find there was no more land beneath my feet, I plummeted  to the ground below, and as I looked about me to see what had happened a security light then came on.    That’s right, a security light comes on after you have fallen down their stairs, what use is that.    I’ll remind you this was a church, so it seems God was playing the karma game, try to piss on my land I’ll thrown you down the stairs, bash your knee and wrist up and ruin your new jeans.

I like a practical joke aswell as the next person, but you’re out of line Lord.

2)  Maybe it isn’t God’s fault he lured me into the trap, maybe I am just clumsy lately, earlier today I threw a cup of coffee all over myself for the hell of it.  Lucky I don’t have it too hot, but is was still wet and still smelly in this heat.  I smell like Starbucks has pissed on me.

3)   To be advised, things happen in three’s so there is yet to be some event  to befall me.

Next week I’ll have more time on my hands to blog and read others which I have also been terrible at keeping up with, I’m off on holiday to Spain.    Let’s hope the Spanish can provide suitable cause for me writing about them.

 

 

 

 

Posted by joehoover on June 10, 2014

https://londonsurvival.wordpress.com/2014/06/10/clumsy-ungainly-and-bumbling-my-week-condesned/