The Secret Life of the Christmas Card

I recall as a child my sister and I would compete for the most Christmas cards, after Christmas we would pull down our cards which we hung on string across the living room so that the next time our mother would walk in with a cup of tea there was the slightest chance she would be garrotted

After the winner was revealed we then divvied up our parents cards, the winner having first call from the other cards, we would lay them out over the floor and take it in turns picking them until you were  eventually left with the worst cards no one wanted to keep (photos of candles, Nativity scenes, that kind of thing)

After we shared them out they would then be put in a box squirreled away to never see the light of day again.

Of course I since grew out of that hoarding habit.  My sister probably still keeps hers, she attaches emotions to the most inanimate of things – she even used to keep her toenail clippings in a jar on her bedroom shelf.  Now she has her own kid I imagine she has diaper genies stuffed with used nappies she can’t bear to part with.

I haven’t received any cards this year yet, I rarely do, I neither give nor receive cards.   I don’t really get sent them, they are only for people who stick them in boxes to never look at them again.

My Company however does receive cards, these further highlight the complete pointlessness of sending cards when you see the terrible examples I’ve scanned and commented on.

1) Fucked up Santa’s

“Dear Santa, for Christmas I would like a Tonka Truck……oh, and some LSD please.  Your friend, Jimmy”


Let’s take a closer look…check the one at the top about to take a dump, there goes the air of mystery Santa has taken an age to build.

I’ve noticed a distinct lack of arms on these tripped out Santa’s, granted this will help him slip down the chimney easily.

Most of them are also wearing fuck me boots, some knee-high, some thigh high patent leather boots…the kinky so and so, all  except one who has just a pair of ankle boots on, he has a look of sheer anguish, maybe he’s constipated, maybe they are all constipated

2) Simple Boy


Tommy’s parents are standing just behind the shot wondering if dropping him on his head as a baby has affected him longterm.   The imbecile hasn’t grasped the whole husky dog sled thing.

3) Voyeur Santa


Dasher:  “Why are we trudging along the road – he does know we can fly, right?”

Dancer:  “He’s scared of heights…that aswell as the fact he likes to look through people’s bedroom windows as they undress”

Blitzen: “Why am I always the one at the back sniffing butt?”

4) Kristmas Koi


Koi 1:  “I don’t feel very Chistmassy, shouldn’t we be wearing some tinsel or something?”

Koi 2: “I know right, this pond should at least be iced over, what are we even doing on a Christmas card?”

Koi 3: “We’ve been sent from China, they have no fucking clue..they don’t even celebrate New Year at New Year.”

Koi 4: “Shhhh…those orange ones are eavesdropping again”

Leave a comment


  1. Ha ha! Funny.
    We used to use the old cards to draw on the white bits when I was small. Those folded ones were best with plenty of drawing space. Some of the nicer ones we used for collages the next year.
    Don’t send cards myself coz I think they are a total waste of money, plus the postage would be extortionate.

    • At least you found uses for them, that’s not so bad.

      I think emailing is pefectly acceptable now, saves some trees, money and you can still write a personal message.

      I might tippex out the names in one of these cards and send to somebody, just to see what reaction I get.

  2. Hallmark needs to hire you, Joe. I especially like the fucked up Santas. We haven’t mailed Christmas cards out in a few years now. If we get a card, the first thing my kids do is rip it open to look for the money. (okay, I do that as well)

    • You highlighted something I overlooked. That must be why I don’t like them now.

      I have a great vision of you and your kids playing tug o’ war with the cards to get the cash.

  3. Those santas in the top card look like a Munch test piece before he did The Scream.

    • I just looked, it’s by Beppe Giacobbe. They look strung out on drugs, it would take a bit more than a glass of milk and a mince pie left out for him to keep him sweet.

  4. The fucked up Santa card is one that I would definitely send around, if I sent out cards. I’m not that organized…

  5. The first is screaming for a sling and a gas mask.

  6. Dude you crack me up. Love the fish. Now make the bad Santas go away.

  7. All I ever get are e-Christmas Cards and one real card from my Aunt.

  8. Those Santas look like meth heads. And I don’t think koi will catch on as a Christmas motif, unless you put little Christmas hats on them.

  9. The Santa one must have been Munch’s annual Xmas card.

  10. When I used to send Xmas cards & receive them, I would donate the cards to the school or pre-school to use for art projects. Now I send e-cards to save trees.


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