The Life and Times of Noc, the talking Beluga Whale

Life was hard for Noc, orphaned at birth in a tragic tuna fishing accident he was taken into the care of the National Marine Mammal Foundation in San Diego, handlers soon discovered Noc was no ordinary beluga whale.

For years in his tank Noc had dreamed of the world outside, he had aspirations and he knew one day he would honour his parents and make something of his life.

He watched the humans interact and at night he would practice what he had learned, the humans unsuspecting of his special gift.

One day he felt the time was right to fulfil his dreams, one of the divers was in the tank, Noc plucked up all his inner strength and declared “Get the fuck out!”

The diver, alarmed, swam back up to the surface and questioned his colleague, had they told him to fuck off?  Their answer was negative, this was not a workplace prank (although later in the day they did trick him by replacing the sugar in the staff canteen with salt).

News quickly spread about Noc the talking beluga whale, the internet was a frenzy.  Noc’s journey was about to begin.

His linguistical skills soon began to flourish, in a few short weeks he was at the level of a high school teenager and he was able to find work in a local branch of McDonalds.

You want summink else, there is a 10 minute wait for a Big Mac

Noc enjoyed his work and unlimited supply of filet-o-fish but he aspired for more.

He saw something on TV that he thought was for him, the family sob story, the desperate need for fame, he ticked all the boxes, so he auditioned for the X Factor.

After winning the X Factor, Noc found himself on the celebrity scrapheap after just one single, his affair with Simon Cowell was also a distant memory.

He went through a period of trying to resurrect the fame by appearing on reality TV shows but his star was waning.

He decided he needed to reinvent himself, to make people take him more seriously, he had the fire back in his belly and he decided to seek out a political career.

His familiarity with the public proved to be his saviour, he proved a hit with the press too who revelled in his bumbling efforts in front of the camera and he was soon back in the limelight when he was voted in as Major of London.

The End

Leave a comment


  1. Some people might find his story inspirational, but to me he only sounds ungrateful. He had a perfectly comfortable tank and an endless supply of free fish and he turned his nose up at it.

  2. I had much higher hopes for Noc.

  3. I just read about Noc this morning. He speaks just like a Republican!

  4. I’m waiting for his memoir: “Noc Noc – Whale’s Where?”


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