Londonsurvival aged 13 and three quarters (Part two)

Puberty can be a confusing time for a young teenager and tasked with some kind of school project I came up with a helpful guide, so from the archives (and I mean archives since it has been in my mothers drawers for the past 23 years)  here is the first instalment of my school project that has been referred to as “Absolutely Filthy”  and “I couldn’t possibly grade this”

You’ll wonder what my teacher was fussing about, it’s not filthy, just kinda embarrassing.   It’s no wonder my teachers had affairs with my classmates instead of me.

I swear I haven’t plagiarised this, Jon Dyson is just my real life alias.

That word that is blanked out a bit is pubeless, meaning without pubes.

My handwriting was neater then that it is now.

Are you having trouble reading this?

This makes no sense, it relates to adverts on TV at the time.  A famous slogan and the lockers without backs refers to the fact the camera would be inside the locker as the person on the advert would open the door to it and they took three lockers up at the gym, there would be rules about that now.   There’s probably rules about filming people in gym changing rooms these days too.

This is really crap isn’t it.  I would have failed me too.

Is this Where’s Wally?  Or is it one half of The Proclaimers?   And I was giving ginger people a platform 23 years ago, either that or I was insinuating they are the smelliest of us all.  I don’t think I was, I hung out with them and everything.

One of the worst smells possible besides a cheesy fart?  Are farts ever cheesy?  I must have meant something else, see how I was restraining myself teacher.

Oh here we go, a good example of crusty armpits is a teacher – we all know who I mean.  Aahhh, this all becomes clear, my teacher must have thought I meant her.  It was the head teacher I meant, he had green stains on his shirt underarms.

How long did I really spend on this drivel?  (The Puberty booklet, not this post – this only took 5 minutes).

Final part tomorrow if you can still bear to read it.  I’m losing interest so I wouldn’t blame you.   This reads to me as if I was a bit of a nerd, it’s not as funny as I probably thought at the time.

This has completely shattered my memories of my childhood, now I am suddenly recalling stuff I had put to the dustbin of my mind – like the time I turned up at a party in a skinny leather tie, pink shirt and trousers with silver specks in them and slip on shoes and everyone laughed at me and my dad made me wear it saying it was what all the fashion.

This is a horrible exercise, enter into it at your own peril, god knows what you’ll unearth.

Leave a comment


  1. Such talent. Such genius. Such cheesy farts.

  2. I so would have given you an ‘A’ just for acknowledging gingers exist on the earth and that armpit hair is gross. I can’t wait to read the rest….I may even show Junior this…

    • I don’t think he’ll learn anything, but he can add to it. Maybe evolution has skipped a puberty step.

      I’ll see what GingerFightBack says about my ginger guy, he’s the final word on gingers.

  3. Sara no "H"

     /  October 3, 2012

    Omg I loved it. You are a creative soul. What is bread sauce? 🙂

    • We have it with turkey at Christmas, white sauce with breadcrumbs in it, onions and things but we always bought a packet mix. It looks like wallpaper paste and tastes like it too.

      • Oh, I’ve had this bread sauce – you are so right about it looking & tasting like wallpaper paste! I had to have it at Christmas at my first in-laws every year, so I would take a tiny spoonful only, just to make it look good!

        • It also looks a bit like vomit as it’s lumpy but I didn’t want to be crude and give my teacher the evidence she suspected me of.

  4. Is this the unpublished the diary of Anne Frank?

  5. I posted a childhood memory today, but I don’t have any papers from the time, so it’s all reminiscence.

  6. This is a great insight into the weirdness of you. Thanks for letting us in. And therapy is still an option. If not for you, then for that poor teacher who had to deal with this. Ha.

    • She recovered from the 5 months or so they get off a year. I dint think my sister reads the blog or she may object to that, but she teaches dance, the only planning involved is deciding what song to play for them to jig about to.

  7. If I had been your teacher I would have found this hilarious. And I laughed out loud at the part about that smile being half of the Proclaimers. Bless them, they are some big-toothed fellows, aren’t they.

    • The teacher was very young I recall. Maybe she was just flirting with me, judging by what has since gone on at that school.

  8. How I wish I had something equally embarrassing to share. I;d say you were quite talented. I love the illustrations. I would’ve given you a good grade just for your pictures!

    • I did like drawing but then my dad was a great artist before he gave it all up to raise kids and work a dead end job.

      Maybe I should try and get some of his work, he’s probably destroyed it though

      • Oh, I do hope you have some of his work. That would be so special. It makes me wonder what my dad may have given up to provide for his family. He played the accordian, but I don’t think he gave up a big musical career. 😉

        • Shame to give upi your interests though. I always felt sorry for him when he used to screw up his lottery ticket every week after failing to win, daunted by the 5am start for work the next week


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