My TV Diary – Barefoot Contessa

I’ve not parodied Food Network for a while, they seem to spend all their time playing cupcake shop reality shows.  I’ll be glad when the fad for cupcakes expires and these tarted up fairy cake makers go out of business.
But then came along a new series of Barefoot Contessa, my favourite filthy stinking rich politician turned cook, Ina Garten.  I logged my thoughts as I watched her drain the Hamptons of its butter supply.

Hi, I’m Ina Garten. Being poor you won’t have ever seen such a large fireplace, and I’m standing on a stepladder.

Monday:

Ina has one of her gays over, dunno where his partner is, maybe they’ve split up? – He’s probably been sugar daddied by a young twink.   Luckily Ina comes to the rescue and invites his grieving ass over to the estate for some tea and sympathy.

Oh, she’s made him oatmeal, or as Ina put it, “oatmeal with the volume turned up”.

Personally I’d want my food to”shut the fuck up”  if it meant I get something a bit nicer to eat than a bowl of Ready Brek with some raisins thrown on top.

Maybe I’m being harsh, I expect Ina is just looking out for his best interests, if he’s back on the market there is no point giving him her butter laden concoctions, he’ll need to be watching his figure when he goes on the rebound over at Fire Island after brunch.

Tuesday:

Have I entered another dimension?  Elmo is guest starring on tonight’s Barefoot Contessa.  What is the deal with that – is she planning to use him as an oven mitt?

They say never work with kids and animals, but puppets?  Ina is on virgin territory here, though I suppose a puppet may not be too alien – she is married to Jeffrey after all.

Elmo and Ina are making cookies, let’s hope Elmo isn’t made from flammable material.  Cookies done, they head to the beach and frolic around munching on the fruits of their labour…it’s a pretty trippy scene…I think I had some cookies like that in college.

Wednesday:

It’s time for Ask Ina, this is the segment where if you’re a bit retarded and don’t know an egg from your asshole you send Ina a creepy PC cam video asking her how to turn the oven on.

Today something from Texas asks Ina how to find a good balsamic vinegar.  Ina replies, “The best balsamic is unfortunately the most expensive, obviously no problem for me, but you can’t afford it.  Here’s what I do..buy 6 different bottles of balsamic vinegar, try each one and your favourite will be your vinegar for life”

So that’s just $150 spent on vinegars just to find one you like, what happens with the other 5 bottles?  I suppose she gives it to the maid to add sparkle to her gold-plated bathroom taps.

She gives the same advice for most products, ie buy 6 and try them all to find your favourite.  She must apply the same principle to her attire, this is why you only ever see her in an oversized denim shirt.  She bought six of them and picked the best one and stuck with it for life.

Thursday:

No wonder she is rich, every time she goes shopping she just walks out of the shop thanking the relevant homosexual who served her.  They pass her the fillet steak, the basket of lobster, enough flowers to supply a wedding and she turns and leaves.  Maybe they are on a promise of a slap up meal of oatmeal and raisins.

Friday:

What happened to the new series?  They are showing Barefoot in Paris, the hour-long special edition where she and Jeffrey have a dirty weekend and then recreate the sordid events back home.  Reassuring those who can’t afford First class tickets to Paris where you stay in your own luxury apartment then you’re not missing anything anyway, you can bring Paris to you.   It’s probably even easier than she makes out in my opinion, if you want to recreate Paris at home then just strategically place dog turds across your hallway.

This is classic Barefoot Contessa, she is throwing a champagne party, and she buys everything from the shops ready-made.  Many TV chefs have caught onto this, I recently witnessed Nigella Lawson going to the chip shop and making a recipe by wrapping it in a flatbread.  And Delia Smith made potato wedges by opening a packet from her freezer and actually directing you to put them on a baking sheet.  Less cooking and more cheating.

Ina’s in the food market in Paris buying a salami, she’s speaking French!  She almost gets away with it too but she needs to focus more on her wording as it appears she has asked the trader to slip his salami into her cloth bag.

Continue to keep stirring for 20 minutes, it helps to add up all my money in my head to pass the time

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25 Comments

  1. Oh Joe, this may be your best ever. As you are no doubt aware, my loathing for Ina knows no bounds, and I have even written her up a time or two myself. BTW, there’s no Friday program because Ina only works a four-day week — that kind of appearance requires WORK, my friend — and so her Fridays are spent at the spa, aka the trough.

    Reply
    • You don’t like her! I was being sincere 🙂

      I’ve an opening for a fag hag and had earmarked Ina for the role, I’ll have to duel it out with her other gays. But I’ve seen them, I could take them easily.

      Then again, I think I’d quickly tire of talking about table settings unless I can get her down to my level.

      Reply
  2. I’ve never heard of this show but this was still great.

    I love when the Muppets or Sesame Street characters guest star on things. It’s like they’re insulting your intelligence.

    Reply
  3. What I don’t understand is, if she’s so rich, why is she choosing the over-sized denim shirt as her singular favourite shirt winner? Can’t she afford something nicer? Can’t she afford to hire someone to tell her that it’s hideous and she should wear something nicer?

    Reply
  4. Yeah, I’m with Ruby–what’s the deal with the shirt? You’d think someone would have told her by now it isn’t working.

    And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve often thought of using Elmo as my oven mitt.

    Reply
    • Elmo’s voice sets my teeth on edge. I saw the guy who does Elmo’s voice on a talk show once, and it turns out his natural speaking voice is actually really nice.

      Reply
    • Bet her shirt costs more than my entire wardrobe.

      She may turn Elmo into a shirt aswell not sure red is her colour though

      Reply
  5. I’m chortling Joe!

    Reply
    • If you have Food Network, Sky 262 I think. Check her out. She’s not the most brash presenter, that is saved for Paula Deen or Rachel Ray. At least we have Nigella, equally lazy and slightly deranged.

      Reply
      • I vote for Rachel Ray as our most deranged. I loathe her. Nigella, on the other hand, I love. I’d go gay for her.

        Reply
        • Ha! You are playing right into Nigella’s hands, she knows what she’s doing. Rachel is pretty deranged, and disorganised, she shouldl get all her ingredients out on the counter before filming starts, then she may cook it in 20 minutes.

          Nothing beats Paula Deen, to prove it, google Paula Deen eats Lasagne sandwich. She’s off her rocker.

          Reply
  6. I think my favorite part of your review, Joe, is “something from Texas.” That says it all. Although I’m amazed that anyone/anything from Texas would actually watch Ina.

    I like Ina, but she really is out of touch with, you know, everything real. Bless her. And I think she could do better than Jeffrey but that’s just me. And if she ever put out the call for a new regular gay, I would vote for you in a heartbeat.

    Reply
    • I would be sacked as her gay after a couple of days, I just woudn’t show enough enthusiam for her hydreanga display. And I don’t get on wiht that sweater over the shoulders look that her entourage always wear.

      I have only ever made one recipe from her show, a salad dressing to use up some left over basil I had. It was disgusting.

      Reply
  7. I think she uses her govt connections to dig up dirt on everyone.
    She’s promised to get the CIA to overthrow a caribean nation and establish a gay empire there.

    Reply
    • Haha! Brilliant, I would love that. Her cosy cuddly image just a front for a ruthless ogliarch.

      I have seen the way she mothers Jeffrey though, I think he’s terrified of her. She’s got Godfather qualities.

      Reply
  8. I thought you might enjoy this, I just read it. The poor dear needed more space!
    http://www.nytimes.com/2012/10/07/realestate/ina-garten-more-square-footage-for-a-shoeless-cook.html?hp

    Reply
    • Thank you, thank you, thank you for linking this!! I only figured she was that pompous and I am delighted she really is! Such upper class problems she has, I love her all the more and despise her just as much too!

      Reply
      • Just makes it that much more delicious, don’t it??

        Reply
        • Yeah! I can just imagine her dilemma at not having the space. I know how she feels, I turned down a free slow cooker this week as I have no more room in my kitchen. This article makes Ina totally relatable.

          Reply

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