Memoirs – Is there a doctor in the house?

These are the stories that shaped my life, these are my memoirs.

Joe Hoover is the critically acclaimed author of the Bombay Kingdom Takeaway Menu (he recommends the sag aloo).  He is currently re-working the Bible replacing every mention of  the word ‘Lord’ with ‘Hamster’ tentatively called The Hamster Bible. When not busy writing another future Oprah Winfrey Book of The Week  he likes to daub insulting graffiti onto his neighbours front doors.  He lives in North London with a continuous hangover.

How much of an influence do our parents really have on us?

Many children look up to their parents as pillars of morality we may follow in their footsteps and be a shining example of an upbringing well carried out.

On the other hand some of us think we must be adopted, or be 50% milkman or travelling salesman, what else would explain the idiocies of our parents that you only too aware as a child that they are verging on the insane.

“Mother”  I would say

“Mother, why are you cutting off the medicated part of the plaster (band-aid)

My mother suffers eczema and would frantically scratch at her hands until tiny gorges would open up across her knuckles, these would soon expand into deep ravines.

I would watch as she took a pair of scissors to her plaster removing the soft white bandaged central part, tossing it to one side and proceeding to put the tacky flesh coloured sticky part of the sticking plaster over her gaping sores.

She would go onto explain that when she washes her hands the water gets under the middle part and the plaster falls off, so this way by just using the sticky part it remains firmly in place over the wound.  In her mind this was perfectly logical and I expect she harboured aspirations of patenting her ingenious idea and rivaling Proctor and Gamble in the medicare department.

Even as a wide-eyed inquisitive child eager for knowledge and also a bit of a smart arse, I drew her attention to the fact that the bit she cut off contained the medicated part designed to cover the wound, keeping it clean from dirt and encouraging rapid healing.  I don’t think applying what is in effect glue to the wound was going to help.

Needless to say she shrugged me off and told me to go and play in my room.  She still suffers from her condition.



**The eagle-eyed among you may notice this story was touched upon many moons ago in an earlier post, sorry for cheating.

Coming soon, I will lazily rehash an Olympics post I published a while ago.  What?  It’s good to recycle.

And look out for the Food Network Olympics, after our rotund cooks starred in a Wrestlemania type event over on this blog in the past, they have since been rigorously training for the Olympics.  Go Team FN!

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  1. That sounds like something my mom would’ve done. She’s made it her mission in life to defy all logic.
    Can’t wait to read more about team FN!

  2. Reduce, reuse, recycle I always say. Cute post!

  3. The Bombay Kingdom Takeaway Menu?? That was you?? I love your work!!

    Your mom sounds like an interesting gal. Funny that her eczema didn’t get better using her method. Parents are strange creatures. Mothers in particular.

    • Better than my dad’s solution to everything, Syrup of Figs. It would solve any constipation but little else.

      What part of the menu did you like best?, it was a riveting finale (without giving too much away) on the dessert section

      • I really enjoyed the part where you mentioned the chicken tikka masala, that was really exciting. And the way you listed the various biryanis. So spell-binding. The finale was amazing. I didn’t know kulfi could be so…erotic.

  4. hiddinsight

     /  July 25, 2012

    Fantastic post!! Loved every sentence. I, of course, am the only normal parent in the world…

    • Thank you very much, but the credit must go to my mother (whether she is my real one or not – I’m still debating)

  5. Mothers knows bes…..wait, in this case she doesn’t. At least she didn’t cut off her hands. I’m sure this would have been a much more tragic story if she had.

  6. I saw the Hamster on a piano video. You should make the hamster bible into a feature film. “The Greatest Hamster Ever Sold.”

  7. Doesn’t it hurt when she pulls the band-aid off? I don’t think she’s come up with a good solution, but I agree with your mom that the problem exists: there really isn’t a good way to cover a wound on your hand with a band-aid.

  8. I remember the Olympic stuff – hurry up and post again – had me in fits. Plasters give me the collywobbles though.

    • What a lovely word. “collywobbles” On holiday one was in the villa swimming pool, and you know when something hits you when swimming, panic sets in and the more you flap to move away it just follows you more.

      • Agreed – I was trying to remember why plaster have this effect and it is seeing them floating in pools – a tinge of blood on the bandagey bit and like you say they follow you. They are a bit like the sticky on version of Jaws.

  9. Would it not have been more economic to simply draw a red cross on the side of a scotch tape dispenser. What did she do with the left over medicated part of the band-aid?

    • Brilliant, I wish I was smart enough to have thought of that as a kid. She threw out the leftover part. Wasteful


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