Food Network Olympics

Food Network stars fresh from their rousing Broadway run in A Recipe for Murder – The Musical were approached by the Olympics committee to form a sporting team.  After 6 months following a strict diet of only 6 sticks of butter a day, our Food Network stars are in prime condition to compete.

Local reporter Joe Hoover reports on their progress live from the Olympic Park.   Keep up to date with events as they happen with these exclusive photos and rehashing of the same old jokes from previous Food Network features.

Paula Deen seen here representing Team FN in the 100m breast stroke, needed no persuading to self-baste herself in the clarified butter filled pool.   Isn’t there a saying, pigs and shit or something….

Ina Garten took up the javelin:

She wasn’t aiming for a gold having countless wealth already,  instead of trying to throw it as far as possible she tried to spear herself a trophy gay, like she hasn’t got enough of those already aswell!

Rachael Ray represents Team FN in the weightlifting whilst carrying all your ingredients back from the fridge category.  Anyone who has witnessed her juggling act in 30 minute meals will know she is a surely a banker for the Gold medal.

The other Food Network stars didn’t fare so well.   Giada De Laurentis was drafted in as an archery target after the shipment of officially sanctioned targets were lost in transit.   Owing to the sheer size of her enlarged head the contest became a farce due to the ease of the competition, her face is also in a pretty bad way.  Something had to wipe that shit eatin’ grin off her face.

And Guy Fieri…..dammit, I’m running out of ideas, when is Food Network gonna hire some new cooks for scrutiny?   I can literally mouth the words to every episode of Barefoot Contessa now.  I’ve exhausted them, the souffle has deflated, the casserole is burnt and the sauce is lumpy.

Still, I might watch the clip of Paula Deen eating a brick sized piece of lasagne as a sandwich in a massive bit of garlic bread for old times sake…

Leave a comment


  1. I love this, Joe! I’d have pegged Ina for a wrestler or shot putter, though….

  2. That’s actually a pretty nice picture of Paula, if you can avoid being reminded of the Kramer/turkey episode of Seinfeld.

  3. I’m surprised Ina and her trophy gay of the day didn’t qualify for mixed doubles synchronized cream whipping. And that video of Paula Deen and the lasagna sandwich just made my cholesterol shoot up about 100 points.

    • I was watching the Paula Deen as it happened, I’m glad someone put it online. I remember literally being on the edge of my seat in disbelief

  4. Aren’t we witty? You must have a real hate on for Food Network. How’s the Olympics going for you?

    • I love Food Network and their chefs, parody is all about the love. I’m watching Barefoot Contessa this very minute.

      Olympics s great, nice atmosphere in the city

  1. An apology to Ina Garten and her followers | londonsurvival

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