Memoirs – A Toy Story

These are the stories that shaped my life, these are my memoirs

Joe Hoover is the writer of the critically acclaimed and multi award-winning serial A Recipe for Murder which was adapted for the stage in A Recipe for Murder – The Musical.  He is also the writer of such titles as the bingo hall thriller ‘Dabbing with Death’ chick-lit bestseller, ‘Middle-aged and Desperate’ and self-help guide ‘Don’t Use The Butter Knife In The Jam’.  He is currently writing further adventures starring Snugglesworth P.I,  London’s premier feline sleuth.   He resides in North London with his partner and his cat.

My first sexual awakenings were at a very young age.  I suppose you could say among my early experiences were verging on bestiality considering I had my first adolescent probings with a bear, the particular species being of the teddy strain.

This was a hulking beast of a bear, powder blue in colour and as tall as I was at the time, I couldn’t resist it’s come to bed eyes as we eloped together into the spacious cupboard of my bedroom.  Things quickly escalated and I felt it was the right time to make the next move, I suppose in America this would be third base.

I carefully unpicked the seam where I imagined a vagina would be located, small cubes of multi-coloured stuffing poured out, I tested the hole with my finger before inserting my flaccid penis inside, yes, this was long before I was old enough to obtain an erection.

I recall witnessing a sexual act whilst we were sat in front of the TV as a family and we begun watching a film called Emmanuel.  The ensuing scene featured a black lady who begun to go down on Emmanuel, I have never seen my father move so fast as he hurtled off the sofa like Usain Bolt out of the blocks in the 100 metres and slammed the TV off, this of course was in the days before remote control or at least before such technology ever surfaced in our household.

After seeing this faux lesbian love scene played out for the split second before the TV went blank I had a pretty good idea of the female layout.  I later pulled myself off of the bear wondering what all the fuss was about, I’d had much more fun playing Transformers.

It wasn’t long after that my sister was given yet another soft toy by doting relatives, it was a strawberry pink Care Bear, I glanced over at the giant powder blue bear whom I had avoided since our fleeting liaison and then looked back at the Care Bear, wondering if it had my eyes.

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13 Comments

  1. Further proof that truth is stranger than fiction.

    Reply
  2. Well? DID the Care Bear have your eyes? Tell us, tell us!!

    Reply
  3. Madame Weebles

     /  July 3, 2012

    This is one of the oddest, yet funniest things I’ve ever read, Joe.

    Reply
  4. This is the best child-porn-bestiality memoir I’ve ever read.

    Reply
  5. I love a bear porn story. Keep ’em coming!

    Reply
  6. You think that’s bad. You should have seen the scandalous stuff my Barbie and Ken (and occasionally a tattered rag doll called Moll) used to get up to in my book houses. Hussies! I blame the seductive bear 🙂

    Reply
  7. Ah, young love… it is all about the stuffing…

    Reply
  8. lololololololololololol…………

    🙂

    Reply

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