Shit food, shit weather and literally shit – My Week condensed

1) Busting for a drink of water after the previous nights alcohol intake I purchased a bottle of Evian at a cramped stall in Finsbury Park station, the bottle felt a bit dry, no condensation, but I figured it may be dusty being in the environs of the tube network.  I twisted open the cap and swigged greedily for refreshment.  I took another large swig then my finger ran over something nobbly, I figured it was the bottle design.  I walked down the platform, I took another swig then my eyes grew wide as I saw what was making the bottle feel dry and nobbly.

It was covered in bird shit.  I hadn’t noticed I was still in a hungover stupor but I was swilling from a bird shit encrusted bottle.  Quite what the people on the platform though of me spitting the contents over the floor and frantically wiping my mouth. This was Finsbury Park though, they are probably used to seeing junkies in various states of sickness hacking it up all over the neighbourhood.

Bird pooping on kid = great.
Bird popping on my water bottle = cull of London’s pigeons

3) I’m a restaurant critic.  You didn’t know that did you. Well, kind of a critic, I do some mystery dining gigs, free food and I get to cast a critical eye over the service and grass them up the next day, what’s not to love?  This week was a new Italian restaurant, proudly claiming they are authentic Neapolitan.   I cast my eyes around the room as it had attracted Italian people, this made me think back to the supposed common belief that if a particular restaurant offering a country’s cuisine is filled with said country’s citizens that it must be great.

After struggling to eat half a chewy pizza which lacked any semblance of flavour I realised what a heap of shit that generally held statement actually is.  The Italians there were all youths, and more to the point the Italian equivalent of our own chavs.  Most sat around not eating at all just hanging out, so they were hardly discerning purveyors of fine Italian cuisine.

This also made me think of the awful English all day breakfast places on the Spanish costas, if the statement were true then since they are full of English people that the cuisine would be amazing.

So next time someone tries to convince you that Chinese restaurant must be great as it’s full of Chinese people, take it with a pinch of salt as it’s probably just full of unadventurous Chinese people who are too scared to try other cuisines on holiday.

4) A blog I follow this week hit 5000 subscribers, so you must already be following her, The Middlest Sister, she was FP’d which brought my attention to her amazing collages.  What is extra cool is she has replicated the gravatars of 50 of her top 100 commenters, I was surprised to see myself in there.  What’s also great is how many other bloggers I recognised from the gravatars.  They are pretty great and to have spent that much time making them is amazing.   Her stories are always really funny but I am fascinated by the detail in the background or the expressions on the faces, and if you check out the gravatars she made she has not let that attention to detail slip, just check out her handiwork here, down to the cuticle.  This has blown me away.

4) Have you been watching the Jubilee on TV?  Total washout, and only a week before it was hotter than the Sahara, the Queen never let it bother her, she’s been enjoying the occasion.

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  1. That is pretty cool you’re a food critic! Could you ever just write: ‘pizza tastes like bird shit’ and get away with it?

    I was also blown away with The Middlest Sister. I also noticed she even got the cuticle down in yours. She is so talented but I bet she doesn’t have time to breathe.

    • I may have bigged that up a bit, its mystery dining, a restaurant chain gives you a free meal to tell them when their staff make mistakes. They actually don’t care much what you think of the food.

      My output on the blog lessened from work commitments so have no idea how she does it either.

  2. Those are all crazy stories. How long have you been a restaurant critic? I know some of your older posts are about restaurants, and they seemed like pretty good reviews.
    Do you think the queen noticed her underwear were falling off, or is she used to going without?

    • She was probably taking her knickers off to throw at Paul mccartney in her jubilee concert. See my reply to maineiac, not a proper critic, just a grass, if it were a prison I would have been shanked by now

  3. Some people can’t hold their liquor…or their panties. Sad, really.

  4. laurengraceevans

     /  June 4, 2012

    Did you realize that you forgot no. 2, and wrote no. 4 twice?

  5. Your water story is quite vomit-worthy. Also, I did notice the Queen looked 3 sheets to the wind during some of the pageant yesterday. To be fair, if I had to stand there watching and waving for that long, I’d get blotto too. I’m glad her evening afterwards seems like it was more interesting.

  6. Too much going on to make any good comments…
    I have a great bird poop story…
    I know how to get rid of the pigeons…
    I find it interesting that tomatoes are considered so essential to Italian cooking, when they only came over from the new world fairly recently from a historic perspective…
    I have no idea how the keep the Queens underwear from falling down…
    Can I do a post instead of a comment?

  7. Wow – the queen looks pretty hot for a woman of her age. But maybe someone should tell her she’s a little old for the panties-around-the-ankles look.

    • Maybe her knicker elastic gave out at that moment? She should have worn more reliable underwear

  8. That’s twenty thousand dollars around those ankles.

  9. I’ll just be over here, curled up in a ball trying not to think about your water bottle.

  10. Finsbury Park – oh deary deary me…..

    • It got worse, I was on my way to enfield. This is why I never leave camden, nothing good ever comes from it

  11. Haha, bird shit – I had my first run in with the excrement of my avian enemies just last week – sitting in a nice terrace restaurant all dressed up and lo and behold I feel a warm drop of moisture on my head… then my arm, then my hand. I felt seriously dirty, even two showers later. No longer can I boast that a bird has never crapped on me. (People have always been surprised by this). You have my commiserations. P.S. I blogrolled you here 🙂

    • Your first time, you’ve been lucky. I know they say its good luck but who are they kidding. It’s a biannual occurrence for me!

      Thanks for the plug, are you on mine, I know I need to update it, on my to do list

      • I found when I finally got round to doing mine, it wasn’t as tedious or lengthy as I had imagined when I was busy procrastinating over it and I will add more – I seem to have struck a rich seam of funny wordpress blogs at the moment. There are so many funny/good ones that don’t get visited enough because people just aren’t aware…

        • Too right, some seriously talented people out there. And people find Michael mcIntyre funny…sigh

  12. Are you sure you didn’t buy Avian water by mistake?

  13. Sounds like an average Thursday to me.
    Except the Queen and her panties. I thought that was Mondays.

  14. Sorry about the bird shit. Man, they’re going nuts over there for the queen. They’d go bonkers if Barry Manilow and Richard Simmons ever make it across the pond.

    • I’ve had no idea if anything else has happened in the world, they are only reporting on the Jubilee.

  15. Joe… hey Joe… Joe Joe… I did a post that was directly brought about because of this here post. That was bad grammar, but you know what I mean. I did a link in my post so you could get all the blame… uh, I mean credit… for making me talk about poop… and pigeons… just so you know…

  16. Joe, I am freaking out. I was screwing around with the settings and now I cant reply to comments. Do you have any idea what could be wrong, also, I am not ignoring you.


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