Food Network School

I’ve just picked up some extra work on the side giving life coaching skills to the Food Network chefs.

Whilst each of them will require some specific one on one coaching there are general rules that each will be tutored in, lessons begin with basic grammar and product knowledge.

First period Pronunciation


Ina Garten please stand up, I’ve noticed you have mislaid the letter ‘H’ somewhere.  Maybe Jeffrey picked it in his rush to work on Monday morning and it’s buried in his briefcase.  Maybe you put it in the wash with your vast array of identical shirts.  Maybe you left it on the beach on one of your BBQ parties?

Repeat after me ‘H..E..R..B..S”

I googled what an erb is and it came up with many choices

Erbs Palsey – a Paralysis of the arm

ERBS – the Earth Radiation Budget Satellite – a Nasa research satellite – the website of the electoral reform service

I don’t think any of these wound up in your herb and apple stuffing recipe.

Please stay behind after class for detention

We’ll take a short recess and resume the second period shortly after.


Second Period- Terminology

All of you have long called food types by the incorrect name, I noticed when an English chef worked in America on their show they changed the names to suit your strange interpretations, let’s begin.

Eggplant is an aubergine.  Eggs are not plants. Do I need to tell you the story about the chicken and the egg?  Well, it doesn’t matter which came first, none of them are plants.

Cilantro should be known as coriander.  A popular H-erb used in many cuisines across the world.  Is the extra syllable too much for you?

A zucchini should be referred to as a courgette, whilst zucchini is the term from its origins, many words have changed over the years and we lose the old term.  Take ejaculated for example, once it meant to announce something suddenly. An example in a sentence would be: “Stop the bus please driver!”, he ejaculated.  Now it would be used as such: ‘He ejaculated as the bus came to a halt, the police were called and he was arrested on charges of public indecency”

Scallions are spring onions.  Scallions sound like a nasty genital rash

Potato chips, are called crisps, and while we’re at it a french fry is a chip. What is so hard to understand?!

Cornstarch, this is cornflour, you’re not pressing your shirts so starch has nothing to do with it

Beets, it’s called a beetroot, if you continue calling it a beet I will beat you around the head with one.

Heavy cream.  A brick is heavy, Paula Deen is heavy, cream isn’t really that heavy in comparison.  Please call it double cream.

Superfine sugar is caster sugar, superfine is just how I happen to look today.

Time for lunch, our next lessons will be one on one.  Guy Fieri, I’ll take you clothes shopping to show you that there are other garments besides a bowling shirt.  Rachel Ray, we’ll work on your vocals to help you not be so whiney.

Leave a comment


  1. Hope it’s a long term contract. They’re gonna need a lot of help…

  2. Oh, I see, did my post yesterday inspire you? 🙂

    Also, in Uhmerica, we pronounce herbs with no H!

    • Never saw it, my reader is missing loads if people, how many have I missed! I’ll be checking tomorrow at work, I did have you in mind after my previous education on the differences

      • Whoa, if you didn’t read it, then that’s kind of freaky just how in sync our postings were. Yesterday I wrote a blog post about how I had no idea what aubergines, courgettes, or any other British nonsense was. I even asked where you were when I needed you and linked to your blog! And then 24 hours later you wrote this… scary…

    • Oh and you pronounce it wrong

    • Is that for real? You did that on 21st, and I thought of writing mine on 21st and wrote it the next day. Haven’t seen any posts from you in ages, thanks WordPress. But if you never updated your post and I never saw yours before then that is the freakiest thing!

      • It is for real! I edited nothing! Hence why I simply assumed you read mine and then wanted to expound upon incorrect terms for plants shaped like eggs!

        • That is mental!!! You link to me, that never flashed up either and we mention the same vegetables. So, so freaky!! This may become a post as it’s the weirdest coincidence.

          • Ha! I almost wrote a post about it as well! But then I was handed another idea in the form of the alien invasion of green caterpillars in my garden, so… yeah. I’ll let you write up this one if you’d like!

            • We will both do it without each other being aware. Are you glad of your new found physic abilities too? Now for those lottery numbers…

  3. Now where were you when I first moved to London and had someone in Sainsbury’s look at me like I was from Mars when I asked if they had cilantro? This food translation guide would have been most helpful then.

    Here’s what I don’t get: courgette and aubergine are French words. Now, most of the English people I’ve ever met consider French-mocking to be something of a national sport. So what’s with embracing these French words?

    One fun thing that I discovered not all that long ago–as a city gal, I really haven’t seen much produce while it’s still growing. But I saw a plant that had *white* eggplant/aubergines growing on it, and they really did look like eggs! It looked like an egg plant! It was kind of cute, really.

  4. Yes, please for the love of God do somethign about Rachel Ray’s voice. my husband loves her show but I make him watch it on mute.

    • And you stay married? 🙂 I never understand why she doesn’t just get all the food out of the fridge before filming starts. Then she could call it 25 minute meals.

      • Haha! I know. What with all the walking around the kitchen and the constant opening and closing of the fridge and the endless blabbering. God. I hate that show.

        • There’s a new one too, Cooking for Real, the woman on the night can’t shut up either. What would happen if they were in the same room?

  5. Gay men make the best friends. They have emotions they are not afraid to share, they talk about things besides cars, women and sports. They give you fashion tips. I love my gay friends, and I have a lot of them. But not as accessories. As people I like. On the other hand, women all want a gay best friend just to be stylish, and that is as wrong as dying a poodle pink to match your old lady hair, just so you all know.
    Is coriander really the same thing as cilantro? Cilantro is used in lots of Mexican dishes, and I live 40 minutes from the border, so I ought to know this.

  6. The Hobbler

     /  May 23, 2012

    You are not for hire! You are taken; what is so hard to understand? PMAO and EG get off his blog! He is mine! Joe you are super fine, and I’ll say things however you want me too.

  7. If you could get Ina to flip her collar down, I would be forever in your debt. It drives me out of my mind.

  8. I actually remember the first time I heard the word “aubergine”. That was the moment I realized that I don’t like vegetables that start with the letter “a”.

    Oh, and about that herb — the seeds are coriander. The leaves are cilantro.

    • You’re right on the seeds, we still call the leaf coriander too. Maybe we’re wrong. It can’t be!

      Not a fan of artichokes?

  9. Now I am confused. I thought a courgette was the pet of choice for the Queen.

  10. Wait, are you the people who go to bars to suck on fags?
    EDITOR’S NOTE: I am not homophobic.

    • We can’t do that anymore, re. Smoking, but the bar I was in on Saturday had plenty of gentlemen enjoying more than a drink. I believe in equality, so every bar gay or straight should have a sex room

      • I should add it wasn’t my thing and left, if I go out a drink and a chat that is enough for me.

  11. OK I get these – do you call turnip rutabagas or turnips? I do not treat my gay friend as an accessory, he is my confidant & I am his rock.

    • A turnip, never heard of the other word, but I like it, even thought i don’t.yet know how to pronounce it. You don’t use your gay for shopping trips? You’re great! When I came out a friend thought I would suddenly go shopping with her, didn’t like shopping then, don’t like it now.

      • It would never even occur to me to go shopping with Roger – because I hate shopping! I don’t think he much likes it either, it’s just something we’ve never discussed. We talk about our mates, our families, our jobs, whatever comes to mind. The only time I feel like I might have used him was to have him unhook my bra for me one day when I was having difficulty & my hubby wasn’t home.

  12. Dear Joe,

    HA! That told them. 🙂

    Love Dotty xxx

  13. Chantal

     /  June 6, 2012

    I have only just got to this post due to pesky work, and am now laugh-choking out loud in my open plan office. When you take Guy shopping can you also get him some new sunglasses?! WTF are those monstrosities he wears? He also needs to learn to SanTropez around his eyes, he looks like a fucking reverse raccoon. In a bowling shirt.

    • He is a tool of the highest order. Although I am loving it being street food month on Food Network so lots of triple D episodes. I’m taking notes as I’m planning a tour of the US next year, a musical, food and blogging odyssey. Basically means I’ll work my way through some music towns, diners and pop by my blogger friends for a cup of tea.

  1. Busted! « Kitchen Slattern

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