Welcome to London

Don’t spend money on expensive guide books, you want the lowdown on London then just ask.

In anticipation of the Olympic hordes I’ve provided you with a handy reference guide to the basics of London Town  (and I mean basics)

Your first step onto British soil will be in the airport terminal, here you’ll be made to stand in a long queue and be given no information as to why you are waiting there.   The reason for this being it’s a crash course in British manners.

We queue a lot, there is no barging in or yelling to make yourself heard.  Just  go along with it, any backchat and you’ll be herded back onto  the plane to return to the non-queuing, raucous, free for all hell-hole you came from.

Once you are through the airport, hop on the Piccadilly Line into central London.   Boris will even be there to greet you personally.

Even if you haven’t pre-booked in advance we have many high-end hotels with last-minute specials:

In your free time, why not take in a West End show.:

Of course you must try our famous cuisine.

Gordon Ramsey at Claridges is a popular fine dining experience.

Here is a sampler menu to whet your appetite.

Duo of pork; Wiltshire-bred pork encased in a pork intestine and finely sliced, pan-fried medallions

Beignet of herbed pork blood

Egg ala Anglais

Haricot blanc in a tomato reduction

  ‘Kings’ milled bread lightly flamed and served with Jersey beurre and a framboise confiture

When you’re sightseeing, don’t be alarmed by extra security measures in place, our friendly bobbies are always on had to assist you in any way.

London is also famed it’s cutting edge fashion, from Carnaby Street in the 60’s to the present day youthful stylings of the Peckwater Estate:

This only scratches the surface of our wonderful city. there so many other delights for you to discover, but of course you don’t just come for the culture, there’s our famed BBQ Summers:

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  1. I hadn’t considered coming to London, until now.

  2. So much more orderly than New York and it looks like the cuisine’s improved since I was last there. Sign me up!

  3. I don’t know what to tell you…I love to read your porn Joe. Seriously, you are so funny. I think I want to visit London, but I’m not too hot about that hotel. Surely there has to be a place with dirty windows I could lick. 😉

    I want to know more about the West End shows…

    • This posted on Facebook and a friend who must have not known it was my blog said “What is this piece of shit, where do you find this tripe Jonny?” “I have lived in London 30 years and never encountered this!” I am not sure if they were serious, I said ” It’s a piss-take” I am confused! Are Londoners that precious? Funny

      • That is funny. They had to have been joking right? It seems pretty obvious that you were…

      • I am never more jealous of EG and PMAO then when I see them on your blog…I don’t know why I love you so much.
        Anyway, so what are London’s secrets? The fun stuff tourists never get to know? You live in Camden Town, so is that a suburb of London? When you said you go to the seaside, where? Do you get tired of my endless questions?

        • Also, let’s be honest…I will probably never go to Europe or any other country…you are my window to that part of the world. So,what should I know about London, and everything over there. I am too lazy to google it, and the demographics aren’t what I want anyway. What about the people? What do you all think of America really?
          Sorry SU…I’m just curious tonight.

          • never say that, you can go anywhere if you want…eventually. but if you never desired to go then don’t, where would you love to go? Anywhere in the world?

            I never though too much of America as I thought my criminal record would be too much hassle to bother with. But I do want to go, I always did, I just used the record as reason not to bother. My favourite music is American and indie films and American authors, but I love europe for so many different things too, the films, not the music, but the history and the vast differences in each country which are so close.

            Have you read my favourite American author ? Raymond Carver? He writes about the detail in ordinary lives, nothing happens often but then everything happens, depending on how you view it. They are short stories, so easy to pick up and read but not easy to forget

            • I’ll have to write this one later. It’s long…

              • I basically wanted to go everywhere. It was silly though. I just had dreams, no plan, although I half attempted to be a foreign exchangestudent in highsch

            • I used to want to travel all over the world. My biggest dream was Italy. I also wanted to see the pyramids, Jerusalem (my dad loved it), and Spain (mom loved it).
              I met a man from Sri Lanka on a greyhound bus when I was a teen. (I went from Nebraska to Florida by myself on a bus when I was 17). He told me of an elephant orphanage there that I dreamed of visiting… helping for a few months was the plan. I wanted to go to Australia. Go on a picture safari in Africa. I didn’t really care as much about the US, but I have traveled through a lit of it.

              • A lot of it…sorry.

                I did want to visit England. Mostly landmarks like Big Ben and the Tower. I would love to see Stone Henge and Easter island. There are crop circles around the globe that would be fun to see. Greek ruins…castles, I had a picture of my favorite for a while. I think it was in Scotland,but I’m not certain. Northern lights (guess that should have been with US). Holland would be cool, fields of flowers…

                • I never made it out of Amsterdam in Holland, all that cannabis stopped me in my tracks 😉

                  I really haven’t seen much of the UK, sad isn’t it! And it’s so small and do-able. It’s not exotic enough for me I guess and if I go away I just want nice weather. I’ll give you a tour of London, when it’s nice I’ll go do all the sites and photograph it.

                  • The cannabis would stop me too. I haven’t smoked it in a long time, but if I was in Amsterdam…

                    Definitely take me on a photo tour Joe.

                    • I want a photo tour too! It’s doubtful I’ll ever get to London now, but I’ve always wanted to go to the land where my ancestors all started. My grandmother was from St. Catharines which is south of London.

                    • I never go south, I’ve not heard of the area, is it still there, maybe they renamed it? I know St Katherines dock.

                      I will do a tour come Summer, I’ve rarely seen the sights either! Maybe I’ll do video blogs for it too. This could be fun

              • I went to Egypt and never saw any of the famous sites! I just flopped by the beach. Only been to Rome in Italy, it was ok, great food. Spain I love. I’ll have to grill you USA trips, my brochure just arrived in the post today.

                • Sometimes I think it is best to just enjoy where you are. You don’t always have to see famous sites, but I would have liked too.

                  I’m excited that you are getting mail about USA. You will have fun here.

            • As far as your author, no, I don’t think I’ve read hI’m, but I will. Do you have a favorite book? I am currently reading Hitchhiker’s guide that EG recommended. I love reading, but blogging and reading blogs distractes me and makes it take a lot longer than it should. Okay, I better pass out now. Sweet dreams again!

              • It’s all short stories so you can pick any up, one of my favorite stories is cathedral, can’t renrmber which book its in, its the last story in the book, it’ll either be in elephant or what we talk about when we talk about love

                • I will look them up. I don’t typically read short stories, but since I’ve become obsessed with blogging, novels take too long, so short stories will be great.

        • I am not from London, I grew up on the seaside in Eastbourne on the south coast, opposite France! its famous for being where old people retire to die, but it also has loads of heroin addicts. and also wins Britains flower contest every year, its a weird mix! Camden is not a suburb, it is outside the main centre but only just, it is the centre of the music scene, its rough in places but also beautiful in places, on the canal, by the best Royal park in London, Regents Park, where London Zoo is, it is famous for legendary music venues and the market which attracts 300,000 people every weekend, the market is shit these days, commercial, when it used to be independant. I still love the place, it’s unique and we still fight against Starbucks taking over a shop, even though it will eventually, but we have to try and retain its originallty, it’s a losing battle, but we’ll get drunk trying!

          • I’ll probably comment some more while you’re sleeping so you don’t feel neglected…I also have to feed my kids, but one more question, have you heard anything new about your pub takeover attempt? I really hope they don’t do it.

            • A woman from a famous soap opera has said it should be saved, I have seen her drinking there, she was really pissed. It is already half empty, people assume it has closed down already, just from misreading the fats, we need customers but they think it closed. Do I have to drink 5 times as much?!

          (It’s like a photo bomb, but a comm- never mind…)

          • Get off his blog EG, he’s mine…

            • Play nicely kids

              • Are you kidding, Joe? For Hobs and me, this is saintly behavior!
                (she started)

                • I didn’t start anything. You interrupted a wonderful conversation with all your capital letter yelling. Sooooo immature…

                  • See that Joe? See what she’s trying to do there?
                    Sigh. I am so persecuted.

                    • Poor martyr. Did you lose your pacifier? Maybe it’s nap time…

                    • Nope. Had a great nap this afternoon.
                      But thanks!

                    • How are you feeling today? better than yesterday?

                    • Much, thanks. Blew off zip lining, slept late, puttered around, took a nap and went to see the Space Shuttle under a hangar at the airport.
                      Had lunch and my girl tried to teach me to hula hoop. Now I’m just sitting on the porch enjoying a beautiful evening.
                      Hope you had a great day too.
                      And you, Joe.

                    • Just in, 2am. I could have done with a nap this afternoon, tiredness marred my evening. I was made to leave my local neighbourhood, had to drink 10 minute bus ride away, not good for the bladder on way home. I need a colostomy bag

                    • Tried to teach…so you never mastered the hula? I think you should do a video blog hula’ing

                    • Believe it or not, that vblog is second on the list of “No way in hell!!!”

                    • Sounds good EG. Glad you got some rest.

              • He started it. 😉

          • You don’t really have to get off his blog EG. I don’t want Joe to get mad at me for scaring all his other fans away. He knows I’m his biggest fan anyway.

      • This is all 100% consistent with my experiences in London. Those experiences consist of changing planes in Heathrow, but I do remember some extremely long lines.

        • shame you didn’t stop off in London, despite my jesting I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else

  4. I just want to know where to find a good curry, and if there are any proper fish and chips vans anymore.

    • I just got in from a curry, 5 minutes from my house. Brick Lane in East London is supposedly great, but it’s shit, they hawk for business up and down the road. Wembley, Southall is good but it’s miles away, mine was good, next to all the bars, I’m happy from my curry. And no fish and chip vans, just shops, but I go home to the seaside and get vans every Tuesday

  5. Sweet Jesus, that’s funny. Has the London Tourist Board contacted you about employment yet?

  6. I was in London for three days, and it wasn’t enough. If we come over some day, will you give us a tour? (Funny stuff by the way… I had an English breakfast just like that on the ferry from Dover)

    • On the ferry? you went to Calais in France. You have lived some life Arthur! And I would love to give you a tour, it would be nice to see the sights I never bother seeing! And you would love Camden Town where I live, unless they have rid it of it’s alternitiveness by then, something I am campaigning against

  7. That food actually looks good. I guess it’s too damn healthy over here in California.

  8. Hotel room with an ensuite, Egg ala Anglais, and a mayor who played the stoned guy in Point Break. I’m in!

  9. Brilliant. Boris has the look to a tee. And to think he harbours prime ministerial ambitions.

  10. I think you should devote at least one blog a week to taking all us curious Canadians & Americans on a tour about your area & London in particular. Then you could branch out to other areas, like Dover, etc. Take lots of pics & give us a tour Joe!

    • I rarely leave Camden, let alone London! My knwoledge of the UK is terrible, I am from the South Coast, Eastbourne, but I moved to London 16 years ago. I might take you on a tour of the supermarket first so I can teach you all the proper names for things. 😉

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