My life as a ghost

Since I made the startling discovery that I am dead I’ve decided to document the ups and downs of the afterlife, it’s only early days and just getting used to the change of lifestyle.

First thing I had to do was learn the art of pottery since I’ve seen Patrick Swayze do it, and he’s dead.  I haven’t figured out how this will be of use but I am guessing it will be so I can make some jugs and bowls that I can throw across the room when I’m having one of my poltergeist moments.

I tried walking down the street so I could gauge people’s reactions, it started off well as  no one noticed me at all, so I tried to be more obvious and stood in front of people but they kept swearing at me.  I guess I still have some way to go to master complete invisibility as I am obviously manifesting myself in a physical form.

A couple of days later I figured this was down to the clothes I still had on when I passed over, I removed these and went out again, people ran away screaming, the haunting was really beginning to work, I must have carried a real air of menace.

But I don’t want to just be a nasty ghost, that was just a bit of fun, I’d like to be a friendly ghost too so I decided to find a medium, like Patricia Arquette so I can speak through her to warn others about things in their lives.

My next door neighbour looks like she could be one, so I appeared to her but she slammed the door in my face – she hasn’t discovered her gift yet, I can understand her shock.

But there was not time to waste so I posted a note through her letterbox, telling her about another neighbours problem and it was up to her to pass my knowledge on.

The message read “Tell the people at number 24 that bin collection day isn’t til Friday, their rubbish has been out all week and the foxes are starting to rip them up”   I hope she passes this information on so the people at number 24 can move on with their lives.

More spectral adventures to come.

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46 Comments

  1. I love that you are a ghost. Please haunt me. Anyway, this was so funny SU. I really, really loved it.

    Reply
  2. Having a ghost with knowledge of bin collection times around Easter would be a Godsend for us all! It’s just like the clocks going back – all dem sad wheelies standing around waiting for closure as confusion reigns. I reckon you could get sponsorship for your sheet as well. Perhaps a spirit company?

    Reply
    • Very clever marketing idea!

      Easter has truly fucked up the bin collections, Camden’s not the cleanest place at the best of times but I was wading through rubbish this morning (must learn to hover over it)

      Reply
  3. I’d hate to think I was haunted: I have an overactive imagination. Anyway, isn’t the point of being a ghost to spy on naked people and develop your postergeisty object-throwing skills so you can get back at the nemeses you accumulate during your alive years?

    Reply
  4. You should try going through the Long Island Medium, Theresa Caputo (?) She’s hilarious and she would pass on your messages from beyond to anybody who will listen! AND..she’s got her own show. So you! Happy Haunting!

    Reply
  5. Wow, the lengths you’ve gone to to avoid stalkers.
    I’ll be reading with interest to see if it’s worth it to get away form them…
    Probably is.
    they’re pretty bad…

    Reply
  6. You really have foxes rip up your trash? That is way better than raccoons and crack squirrels. You will get the hang of being dead. You have a long time to work at it.

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    • yeah, they moved into the inner city, richer pickings! Racoons were on that show I told you about, animals in my house, nasty looking fuckers when riled

      Reply
  7. I just had to get away from my own blog for a while. I know you are asleep, but anyway, I just wanted to say thanks for being you Joe. Now I am just going to sit here before I return to the drama that is my blog. It is not creepy Joe…really. It is not like I am watching you sleep. Well, I kind of am, but not like that. … just so you know I haven’t been sitting here really, I just dragged myself upstairs with my kids, etc. I just am pretending like I sat here. I started typing this comment about half an hour ago. Anyway, Goodnight

    Reply
  8. You should do a post about the ghosts you’ve seen for real. I have loads of stories.

    Reply
    • yay! A believer! I shall and I definitely want to hear yours, quick, turn the lights out and grab some blankets and tell ghost stories, it’s making me all tingly!

      Reply
  9. I want to hear all the ghost stories!

    Reply
  10. BOO! I’m your ghost stalker tonight popping in to give you a blog goodnight kiss. Sweet dreams Joe.

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    • Hey, I checked out the competition, only his latest post though, will go back to see his more serious stuff that you mention.

      Reply
      • He is not really heavy competition Joe…I was kind of trying to find some stalkables for a few stalker friends who are getting a little bored. (Don’t tell).

        Reply
        • Are they the ones on your twiiter feed that’s on your blog? I saw a plot being formed.

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          • Yeah, kind of…I just am getting a lot…on a lot of posts. I absolutely love them…they are better than the posts, but other people don’t always want to follow our conversations. I think I figured it out though…

            Reply
  11. Good grief, we have to deal with more problems in the afterlife? Not like I’ve got a choice but now I’m not quite looking forward anymore.

    Reply
    • It’s just a few teething problems, I’m hoping they’ll iron themselves out soon enough so I am free to haunt at will.

      Reply
  12. You forgot that you are supposed to sing “Henry the 8th” to get people to do your bidding. If it worked for Swayze it will work for you!

    Reply
    • Good point, Will be nice to control the living, even a s a ghost I still need chores doing.

      Reply

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