A Scientific breakthrough

What have our scientists been busy doing lately?

When they’re not running tests to find the ideal biscuit to dunk in a cup of tea or changing their minds daily about whether or not chocolate and alcohol are good or bad for us they like to make things up about outer space, things we can never comprehend so that we never ever doubt them when they spend hundreds of thousands of pounds testing how old an egg is before it floats.

This week they got a shiny new camera and took a photo of our Milky Way.

You could be mistaken into thinking they’ve just taken a picture of the dirt ring around their bathtub.

“There are about one billion stars in there – this is more than has been in any other image produced by surveys,” said Dr Nick Cross from the University of Edinburgh.  “When it was first produced, I played with it for hours; it’s just stunning,” he told BBC News

Interesting stuff from Dr Nick Cross whose hourly rate is £1075.

He came up with the accurate reading of “about one billion stars”  (give or take a few million I expect).  I tried counting to see if he is correct but I got bored, I just don’t have the same attention span as brainiac Dr Nick Cross.

I tried replicating this on my bathtub ring but I found no stars at all, but I did find about half a dozen pubic hairs, and I cleaned the bath a few days ago so this seems like a startling rate of hair loss, so I would like to ask Dr Cross to conduct a scientific survey to determine the pubic hair loss/age equation and if this is affected by living in a hard water area.

What can his findings on the galaxy actually tell us?  What information can this new-found revelation do to aid our lives today?  Or is this just a waste of resources?

I examined some recent scientific finds to see how the outcome differed from my own research (at no cost to the taxpayer).

So how many stars are there in the Milky Way?

Scientists: “About one billion”

Joehoover: “Fuck loads”

Conclusion:  We both ended up in roughly the same ball park, the scientists used high-tech equipment, I just looked up at the sky, so my conclusion is that the scientific research was a total waste of money.

Which is the best biscuit for dunking

Scientists: Digestive

Joehoover:  Who cares

Conclusion: What biscuit you eat is entirely down to personal taste so the findings of which ones dissolve before others are largely irrelevant. In summary the cost of this research may not have cured poverty in Africa but it could have bought them enough digestives and custard creams to host a pleasant coffee morning.

Why does getting drunk make you sleep with ugly people?

Scientists: “Alcohol impedes your ability on detecting facial symmetry, a key to attraction”

Joehoover:  “You’re pissed therefore…..”

Conclusion:  The fact the scientists had to research this in any detail at all is mind-boggling.  Of course alcohol impairs any ability, it’s why it’s frowned upon to drink and drive.  I remember one time I slept with a munter I woke up in a hungover haze wondering what had made me sleep with them?  Thank god the scientists cleared that one up and it was just because I didn’t recognise their asymmetrical face.  Now if they can just explain why there’s a shopping trolley in my living room and the remnants of a kebab all over the floor…

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  1. You are the new Brian Cox!

    • I shall expect jiffy bags stuffed with knickers in the post then! He’s the one all the girls like?
      I’ll sell them on ebay.

  2. Why is part of the Milky Way redacted? What are the scientists hiding from us!??!!

    And in other, mundane translation news, I have a real treat for you today:

    Trolley = cart in MOST regions of America. Unless you’re in New England, in which case they call it a carriage. Or, in the south, it’s a buggy. I’m sure you feel like a more complete person now that you know this.

    • cart I’m ok with but carriage and buggy? Unless you plan to push your baby around instead of your groceries..

      • New Englanders have a lot of weird terms for things that are specific to that region. I happened to grow up there, so I’m comfortable with the term “carriage.” But learning “buggy” totally threw me. Almost as much as when I learned that people in New Orleans don’t say that they’re “going grocery shopping”; instead they say they’re “making groceries.” I guess we’re all weird here, in every region.

  3. Dude, you need to get hired as the Spokesman for Science.
    You can explain all the highbrow in laymans terms, and the quality of their parties would increase exponentially.

  4. Now I don’t have enough edumacation to comment on that astronomy stuff but have you ever considered that maybe you’re losing pubic hairs because someone is spiking your bath salts and/or you bubble bath fluid with depilatories?

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