And the winner is….

Still feeling a bit down about my failure at The Oscars (more on that later) it was with great joy that I found myself the recipient of three, THREE blogging awards in the last few weeks.


Sorry for the delay in responding chaps.

Firstly, I never know who doesn’t like getting these or not so I won’t pass any on (unless you really want one), I never really understood them before but it gave me something to write about.

First up is the creative chaos award from laurengraceevans, I had not seen this one bandied around before, but I like gorillas and I like smoking, and this is a kind of dragged up smoking gorilla so that’s very nice.

Name three things about yourself that are weird:

1) I always sit down to use the toilet at home.  I hate standing up, I hate standing on the bus and the tube (obviously I’m not urinating then).  I don’t like standing up when I go for a cigarette in the garden, if it’s been raining and my patio set is saturated I don’t enjoy my cigarette half as much.  Sitting down on the toilet enables me to catch up on some reading and I can never be the one blamed for spraying all over the floor.  Obviously I don’t sit down when I’m out….that would just be embarrassing.

2) I tried to grow the longest single forehead hair in the world.  I have one that was left behind when I receded a bit and I had dreams of it being long and flowing and that it would waft in the breeze.  It never grew more than an inch though.  I thought about getting a hair extension on it but turns out that went against the rules in the Guinness Book of Records.  It’s also the star of my silent movie Odyssey of a Keratinized Filamentous Epidermal Growth which missed out at the Oscars.  I’m working on the Directors Cut which I’ll premiere here soon.

3) I like to cook an even number of things, I bought a pack of bacon last week, “8 unsmoked thick cut back bacon rashers”  the pack proudly claimed.  There were only 7 inside, I cooked 6, the single one I will have to use in other ways, I may cut it in half and wear them as porky sideburns.

Number 2: You must tell why you look at the “glass half full” scenario and ask “what? No coffee

I don’t get what I have to do here?  I like coffee if that helps, I also like booze.  Coffee with Kaluha’s pretty awesome.  If my glass was half full of anything but booze I probably wouldn’t say “what, no coffee?” –  I’d just wonder why no one has topped my drink up yet.

Number 3: Complete one the following essay questions:  

A. You find yourself in a desolate place when your car breaks down.  You have no cellphone service, no Walmart, and only a candy bar for food.  It is 150 miles to the closest town. What color are your pants and why?

B. You find yourself having to ride an elevator quite frequently.  How do you pass the time to show off your creativity?

I’ll go with B, if I were travelling in a lift, I would pass the time by masturbating.  This would ensure no one else enters the elevator so I have exclusive access and if it were to break down then I would have more air available for my own survival – which I would need as I’d be requiring more oxygen after all the energy spent masturbating.   You say it doesn’t show creativity?  Well that’s only because you haven’t seen the artistic efforts resulting from my ejaculate since no one comes into my elevator, but it’s better than what those elephants do who paint with their trunks.

Number 4: Then you are to nominate 5 random people.

Number 5: Make sure to show proper gratitude to the person who nominated you whether that is to shower them with gifts, prizes, and cash or to see that they are put into a clown costume and photographed for internet mocking.

Ok, cheers Lauren!

Number 6: Make sure to post the award somewhere other than the underside of the toilet seat.

Of course, if I put it on the underside of the toilet seat I would not be able to admire the gorilla’s make up job as I’d be sitting down with my back to it.

Next up is The Lieber Award, generously donated by pouringmyartout

1. Thank the person who gave you the award

I was going to recycle my planned Oscar speech but the star of the film committed suicide so that feels inappropriate.  Thanks for the award!   Go and check him out, he’s great.

2. Put up a link to their page

3 Copy and paste the award onto your blog

4. Pass on the award to five bloggers that have less than 200 followers

5. Let them know they won the award by commenting on their blogs

That was an easy award, nothing to answer

Last up is from Turber and it’s the Versatile Blogger Award, I like this one as I’ve always considered myself versatile, in fact that’s the very term I described myself on the dating site I used some years ago.  In recognition I will cast Alan Rickman as the villanous eyebrow in the big budget remake of  Odyssey of a Keratinized Filamentous Epidermal Growth (she’s got quite the crush on him)

1. Thank the award-giver and link back to them in your post.

Thanks loads!

2. Share 7 things about yourself.

I’ve already given three weird things about myself…I’m getting the feeling these awards are all blurring into one.   Which is like the most important award though?  You know like when you had the WWF as the major wrestling federation but then there would be the less popular ones trying to jump on the back of the WWF’s success.

Didn’t it always confuse you that the WWF shared its name with the animal protection organisation?  It made me wonder if they had rescued Hulk Hogan from the wild and were raising him in captivity, the cage fights at Wrestlemania always struck me as cruel in this sense, wrestlers should be able to roam free in their natural habitat.  (I see it’s now the WWE?  I’m trying to guess what the E stands for without looking it up – Enema?  Am I close?)

Where was I….

1) I’m punctual.  I’ll be at the bar waiting.

2) I suffer fools, gladly.  They’re a lot of fun.

3) I took my first flight when I was 23, I got my first pet when I was 33.  I get there in the end.  (I might even lose my virginity soon)  Only kidding, I’ve done my share of whoring.

4) I think I’m more amusing in writing than in person.   But I’ve been told I mumble so maybe they can never hear what I’m saying?

5) I currently have 8058 songs on my Ipod, only 3 of them were downloads, I don’t care for downloads.

6)  I’ve lived in London for 15 years, out of all my friends in that time I think only 2 of them are actually from London. (Update: since found out one isn’t from London so that leaves a solitary person)

7) I can’t click my fingers, people have tried teaching me, someone got so wound up they felt like punching me as they thought I was doing it on purpose.  I just ain’t got rhythm.

3. Pass this award along to 15 or 20 of your favorite bloggers. 

How many?!

4. Contact your chosen bloggers to let them know about the award.

Last time I passed an award on only 1 person responded but I think I didn’t actually tell them they’d got it?!

So all I am going to do is direct you to my blogroll, they’re all brilliant so just check them out, I think others already nominated most of them anyway such is the length of time it took me to complete this post.   I love some of the newer people I am following, so check out the blogroll, I may still have some to add there so sorry if you’re omitted

They’re all worthy of attention, but if anyone really wants an award let me know, or I’ll devise a special one with you in mind, it’ll still be a virtual award though so nothing you can actually hit someone with.  Whatever murderous schemes you have in mind will have to be done without my help.

I have a special one for Hobbles who in just a couple of weeks of signing on here has become my record commentator and also took the 1000th comment too.   This award is specially for you.

I found a game online you can play

Some background as you may not know who Zippy is:  Zippy was a character in Rainbow, a TV show I grew up with.  Zippy would be talking non stop that he had to be zipped up occasionally.  He lived with a giant bear called Bungle, though I think it was a guy in a bear suit and a gay hippopotamus called George.   Their human friend was called Jeffrey, and they also lived with 3 swingers called Rod Jane and Freddy who would partake in recreational drugs.

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  1. laurengraceevans

     /  March 26, 2012

    You’re very welcome.
    I wasn’t sure what no. 2 of the Creative Blogger Award meant either. And as for your no.3 answer… what is there to say? Apart from appreciate the immense creativity.

  2. Dear god – i wish I’dthought of Zippy Chatterbox for Hobs!
    Congrats Joe, well done and well deserved.

    • Cheers EG. I should pass them on I suppose but never know who is bothered or not. Gave me something to post about.

      I think I may create unique ones for everyone else. Gives me something else to post about again.

    • Thanks EG. I appreciate you saying that…

  3. It’s not my fault! I shall go away and never come back!

  4. Okay, I’m back. 4 comments already. You have to admit I’m good for your stats.

  5. “Clicking fingers” = snapping? It’s going in the translation book…

    In other news, I feel you with the peeing sitting down thing. Granted, I’m a girl, so this is normal for me, but I hate standing too. In the post-rain patio scenario, I still sit down. I can change my pants once inside.

    Hank sits to pee. I’m sure he’d appreciate my sharing that with you.

    • Yeah, like in West Side Story. I was just telling Hobbles you give me the American translations.

      Maybe all men do but are afraid to admit it, I just like to be comfortable and I’m usually blind drunk and have bad balance

      • I’m glad I can be of service!

        And maybe. My stepfather sits too. That’s three men I know now that sit to pee. Just another 3.5 billion or so to survey to be sure… Blog poll idea?

        • My blog polls haven’t taken off, I’ll ask random people on the way home instead. I’ll survey the train platform

          • I’ll ask the people sitting around me on my flights tonight. I’m pretty sure asking a strange man if he sits to urinate is probably the best conversation starter I can think of.

            • Great idea!
              “Sorry to bother you sir, I’d like to know if you sit down to pee?”
              “Excuse me! How is that any of your…”
              “A simple yes or no will suffice”
              “Erm.. No”
              “Thanks…are you gonna eat your peanuts?”

  6. That was very informative! I’d like to nominate you for the very prestigious Bloggers Who Inspire Me To Take The Stairs award.

  7. I didn’t know you were going to become so famous. I can still say I knew you when, right? When you thank all the little people, remember me again.

  8. Phew! For a minute there I was like, “WTF? He’s a virgin? I hope it isn’t contagious…”

    I’m obsessed with this Zippy character now. Soooo much cooler than my childhood “friend” Benny The Bear-

  9. I love these tell all awards. I am beginning to understand you more. I too, pee sitting down BUT prefer standing. I too, can be found at my favorite bar on time, every time. The “lift” thingy? I will leave that one alone. And for the record I am not one that appreciates awards. I am more of the quiet type, another word one could use might be LAZY. Love the award for Hobbler. I think you are a shoe-in for more awards and I can’t wait to find out more about your mystifying behaviors, uhhh, life yes that is it life. Congratulations on a well deserved recognition Joe Joe.

    • You prefer standing! 😀 I would stand where you live to make a fast getaway when those wolf spiders come crawling!

      I think that’s all the behaviours that are real (or exaggerations) I struggled with the last few. I’d have to ask my friends they are probably harbouring many feelings toward me that I could use

  10. You’re killing me Joe. All those awards and masturbating in the lift.

    • I’m having an exhibition of the works, Harrods have kindly offered to let me use their many elevators as gallery space.

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