Coffee infused ramblings

I thought about sayings at the weekend as I was ordering the bed linen to be changed.

“You made your bed now lie in it”

I never make the bed, that’s the deal.  In return I have to clean out the cat litter tray but I’m not sleeping there.

This reminds me of a recent bereavement, a friend’s cat died “I’m sorry” I replied, “how did it happen”   “Old age, I found her in the litter tray”   What is about death news that makes you burst out laughing.   I love cats but once you get the giggles you can’t stop them.

We had the giggles last night, my friends thinking their anecdotes will wind up on this blog.  “I bet you use our jokes for your blog”  Firstly, if they bothered reading the blog they would see this isn’t true, and secondly they are the brunt of my jokes not the source”

I mainly laugh at myself though, a vital quality in life is to not take yourself seriously.   At school we had to make advice guides.  Mine was about puberty, I cast myself as the victim and explained the body’s developments and what to expect, but it was certainly not rude or graphic.  The teacher failed me for being gross and crude – I was really confused.  I was even more confused when I saw a friend’s submission, she drew 10 different penis types including Grandad’s penis, skinny penis, mushroom penis…she got a B.   I quizzed my teacher as to why mine, which was a humourous look at puberty was failed why drawing penises was given a B grade, I didn’t feel she met the brief.  I even drew my teacher’s attention to the fact she had used Tippex to show spurts coming from the heads of each penis.

Penises cropped up again a year later.  We had to create movie posters, I did Point Break in pastels (showing my age).  They liked it so much it was displayed in a corridor for years after I left school, til my sister told me someone had drawn penises on Keanu and Patrick’s foreheads.

This is a real conversation I am listening to at work, sales manager is talking on phone about some of our products:

“What kind of knob are you looking for….have you found another source for the knob?    Some knobs rotate 90 degrees, depending on the shaft you are using, some bend at other angles”

“There aren’t standard ones out there, it depends on the use you want from the knob, some are plain but other knobs are printed underneath”

“The plain knob?  Let me send you a drawing of the plain knob, I’ll scan it and email it over and you can see if the knob is something you can work with”

My assistant and I are just sat here sniggering, the salesman seems oblivious, he just won’t stop saying knob.


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  1. Hahaha, very funny… your teacher sounds as a teacher bitch and your salesman whaaaaatta knob! 🙂

    • I like what you did there!

      If only I rememebred the teachers name, I’d hunt her down and find out why she gave the penis guide a high grade and failed mine, I’ll blame everything that went wrong in my life to that event.

      • Put it in this way: a teacher who is jealous of her own students’ talent and gives them sorry grades because she is bitter about still teaching, or a teacher who dislikes a student for reasons of her own b/c she is a fat bitch and the student is clearly more attractive than her and keeps the student from going on competitions by illegally taking one grade for a nine weeks period… that’s a stupid teacher bitch… Just for inspiring you this morning… 🙂

  2. Loved it – knob of butter? never got that one.

  3. Hehehe… knobs and shafts. Love it.

    Also, I’m adding “litter pan” vs. “litter box” to the growing American to British translator device I’m building.

    • That’s some list so far!

      Pan is odd, we cook our food in pans. My cats toilet has a roof and a swinging door, the height of luxury

      • Wow, that’s fancy! My cats have their own bathroom and entire second floor (all one room of it) to themselves. That has to count for something. Well, unless we have guests staying with us…

        • Yeah it does! I have a spare room too and she does as she pleases and sleeps everywhere. But her own bathroom is very nice!

  4. I guess I better start teaching my kids how to draw a penis, so they can get good grades in school…

    • Make sure they stay within the lines

      • That is funny. Seriously…I can’t believe a teacher would even want that. I would have thought it would be kicked out or something to call a meeting with the parents about.

        • Don’t think she liked me.

          • How could anyone not like you?

            • Especially at school, I was a swot.

              Actually I had the ability to be in the top end of the class and be a SU 😉 But also hang out with the bad kids. I tended to spread my allegiances about, I;m still liek that now, most of my friends are in separate groups and they can’t mix or they’ll kill each other

              I recall debating books we had to read with her so she probably didn’t like my opinion differing from her notes.

  5. The teacher failed YOU for being crude? what a world we live in. This reminds me of my 11th grade English teacher, he hated my writing. I’d slave away, coming up with brilliant plots and characters, he’d read it and give me a C- every time. Really took away some of my confidence until I realized he was just bitter with his own life. haha!

    The penis/knob thing–maybe because I grew up with five brothers, but when my husband watches any home improvement show, I snicker and laugh at every mention of shaft, screw, nuts…there are just too many to list here. I feel like Beavis and Butthead, “He said shaft….hehehe” yeah my sense of humor can be pretty basic.

    • You can’t help but laugh when they say it so straightfaced without realising.

      I think a couple of bloggers i know are teachers. Come on then you lot defend yourselves 🙂

  6. The proper knob for the proper job… that’s what I almost never say.
    This reminds me of a snatch…(sorry) of conversation I overheard at a party when I was a teenager….
    Guy; “Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”
    Girl; “No, but I was swung around by the tits once.”

  7. Wait, I want to hear more about the girl that drew all the penises.

    • She was about 12, I was friends with her through school but lost touch afterwards, she was too bossy. I wonder how that with her love of penises manifested itself in later life.

  8. Clearly your friend got a better grade because she did more research (“Granddad, would you mind modelling for a picture I need to draw for school?”).

    • That’s a coffee spitting comment! I shouldn’tread this at work, but then at least it’s my work PC and not my laptop drenched.


  9. Perhaps you should have presented the B grade assignment pictures to the salesman as examples of what you would like to grip when entering and exiting a room in your house. Grandad’s would obviously open the attic and mushroom would gain you access to the garden.

  1. From the mouths of babes… « londonsurvival

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