Chef Wars!

I’ve documented my love of Food Network chefs to death, you’re probably wondering why since they’re dime a dozen to you.

I love them because they are mentally unhinged, their recipes are rarely appetising but I revel in the horror of some creations and the dedication to the cause.  I love that each episode is turned into a story, only Nigella Lawson in the UK comes close as we see her assemble dinner for a bunch of actors posing as her friends.  Our chefs are just boring in comparison.

I love Ina’s expensive lifestyle and cringeworthy fabulous friends and wonder if Ina and Jeffrey really are as much in love as they make out to be. I’m amazed when Paula Deen has her kids round and try to comprehend who was banging her once upon a time.  I watch agape when I witness Guy Fieri attempt to become an even bigger douche than he already is.   Truly wonderful.

Pouringmyartout and Laura at Unlikely Explanations commented on a previous post about the next logical step in their evolution, with many weapons at their disposal it would only be a matter of time before Iron Chef tips over the edge into a bloody and violent melee.

Let’s turn this into the Ryder Cup of cooking, let’s allow the Food Network heroes to pit their strength against their British counterparts.  In respect of this, allow me to introduce the British contenders, first in the ring is:

Anthony Worral Thompson

Part-time garden gnome and occasional shoplifter, Anthony Worral Thompson recently struck the headlines for his pilfering from Tesco’s supermarket.  The public weren’t sure if they were more surprised that he was of the sticky fingered persuasion or that he shopped in Tesco’s.

His two fingers at the establishment should make for a dirty match.

Please tell me he stole this shirt too, no-one would part with cash surely?

Delia Smith

The godmother of cooking, appearances can be deceiving.  Whilst cooking in her country pile she is softly spoken and mild-mannered, she shows her ruthless side when she buys a football club and chugs a load of ale, see how she gets pissed and starts abusing people.

She’s got some mouth on her, will she meet her match?

The Hairy Bikers

These fleecy motorcycle enthusiasts make a formidable tag team.  What they lack in agility they make up for in sheer weight, who is going to pit their wits against these lardy Hell’s Angel-lites.

I get the feeling they share much more than their love of food on their travels

Rick Stein

Pompous fishy aficionado Rick Stein is famous in the county of Cornwall where he parades around Padstow dressed in robes made of fish nets and a crown made of sea bass bones.  He insists on villagers throwing down prawn heads in his path as a mark of respect.

Rick loves fish so much, here he models his range of mackeral eyewear

Greg Wallace

Masterchef host Greg pulls no punches telling others that their cooking is terrible, a bit cheeky considering he’s a greengrocer by trade.  Stick to hawking two punnets of strawbs for a pound Greg.

He's a cheeky cockney banker (in rhyming slang of course)

Hugh Fearnly Whittingstall

Being cursed with too many letters in his name never hindered Hugh, it just spurred him on to prove that despite a wealthy upbringing and an Eton and Oxford education that he can still make a success of his life.  Moving to the country to live an organic life off the land, ably helped by his millions.

Hugh and chicken little made an adorable couple

Ainsley Harriott

Ainsley’s fallen on hard times, at the beginning of the TV chef boom he was an ever-present due to his bubbly personality and knack of singing the name of an ingredient.  Who can forget his catchy “Olly, oly, oil!”   He was soon brushed aside when Michelin starred chefs wanted more of the limelight on our TV screens, and he can now be found flipping burgers in a van off the A40.

No Ainsley, that spoon isn;t a makeshift microphone

Mary Berry

Pensioners pin-up, Mary Berry has been a permanent fixture on our screens and has recently been given a new lease of life judging Bakery Idol.  Her kindly demeanour doesn’t stop her criticizing the rise on someone’s souffle, you better keep the air in your egg whites to keep on Mary’s good side.

Every Grandpa's wet dream

Sophie Dahl

Sophie likes to break with convention, from being a successful plus sized model to giving hope to the vertically challenged by marrying pop-jazz singer and hobbit lookalike, Jamie Cullum.  She turned her hand to the kitchen by copying Nigella Lawson’s tried and tested method of making a recipe sound like a £2 a minute sex chat line.

Sophie sticks her finger in the pudding

Let the battle commence!

Leave a comment


  1. Final chef related post – I promise!

  2. Wait – sorry – Bakery Idol???
    Please tell me I’m misinterpreting this.

    • Almost! It’s a bakery knockout show, The Great British Bake-off, starts with 12 contestants and each work someone gets kicked out for having a soggy bottom – to their tart for example. It’s American idol for the church social coffee morning crowd,

      • Do you get the Food Network cake competition show? Bakers (usually 4 of them, each with an assistant) compete against each other to make the best cake according to that week’s specification (there’s usually a theme, and the cakes have to be at least 3 feet tall, and they really like special effects like moving parts). Then halfway through the competition, they’ll throw in some extra requirement, like the bakers have to work blindfolded with one hand tied behind their back. And they don’t bother tasting the cakes at all. It’s a really stupid show — and I’m addicted to it.

        • Food Network Challenge? I certainly do! And I realise I missed the headmistress like judge from the show in the murder mystery, she was overdue a frosting.

          • That’s the show! She’d be a natural at Chef Wars — she could take out her opponents by shooting daggers at them out of her eyes.

            • 😀

              I’ve liked the episodes where they have the fruit and veg carving sculptures. What must they do with it all afterwards, I imagine a big ceremonial burning as hungry homeless people watch on.

  3. Pretty much the only television I watch is in the form of reality cooking competitions like Chopped or anything with Gordon Ramsay. Funny thing is I can’t cook to save my life.

  4. A great and concise run down – I read a quote about Ainsley that went something like “He takes a bow even when the fridge light comes on.” And AWT? spot on about Tesco.

  5. I am sorry SU…really. I apologized on my blog. Will you ever forgive me?

  6. I am amazed that Guy Fieri isn’t dead yet with the all crap he has to eat on a weekly basis. I guess the same can be said for Paula Deen.

    • P.S. – The Mainland has moved to it’s new home, if you want to click my name and check it out.

    • Maybe they are the same person? I always thought Paula Deen looks like the fat lady that Arnie dresses as in Total Recal, the one where he takes the head off and it’s a bomb. Maybe Guy Fieri is underneath that Paula Deen facade

  7. You’re killing me…who Paula Deen used to bang HAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

    • I can’t be held responsible for anything that may occur from that thought in your head.

      I do know who she banged, her hubby was on the special where she went to Paris. He looks like a pervier Santa Claus. That weekend resulted in the now infamous French food famine, they ate it all.


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