A Recipe for Murder – Part two

Starring the chefs of Food Network

Previously on A Recipe for Murder:

Part two

“He never came home Friday – he always comes home Friday – it’s chicken night”  Ina explained.

“What happened?”  Paula asked

“Well, the chicken was ruined” Ina replied

“Have you called the police?” Giada asked.

“I can’t, it was later that night that I received a text, a link to an Aarti Party recipe on the Food Network website and I knew something was wrong”

Ina poured herself a drink and dropped a raspberry into the flute before elaborating…

“I thought it odd someone would send me this recipe as people know my feelings on Aarti, she only has a show from winning a reality competition whereas the rest of us have worked our asses off to get to where we are.  I’ve spent years in the White House, and then slogging my guts out at the Barefoot Contessa store with my gay colleagues.  The same for the rest of you – Nigella, you were born to a political family and married old men to get your name out there.  We’ve all paid our dues.”

Nigella fidgeted in her seat.

“It was then I noticed something wrong, there was a distinct lack of butter and salt in the recipe – so I made it and of course it was inedible, it was then I saw the message”

“What message?”  Rachel said

“Hidden in the recipe in code was a message, Jeffrey had been kidnapped and it warned me not to got to the police and to call you all here”

“Doesn’t it sound like Aarti Sequeria has something to do with this?”  Nigella questioned

“No, I had her investigated when she won the competition, I have to protect my own interests and I had one of my gays in the CIA do a background check, she’s clean”

“Did they ask for just us?”  Paula said “There are none of the male Food Network stars here”

“They should be on their way too, I can’t get hold of Guy which has me worried as I got some other bad news this morning, there’s been an accident involving Bobby Flay and his BBQ grill”

Everyone in the room gasped.

“Is he ok?”  Giada asked

“No, he wound up like overdone flank steak, he didn’t stand a chance”  Ina replied.

Guy Fieri was heading to the airport when his phone came to life.  As often happens when filming ‘Triple D’ in the backwaters of America he would get no reception.  He had 5 missed calls from Ina Garten, he listened to them back and the colour drained from his reddened skin to something akin to his hair colour.   A horn of a juggernaut blared out and he quickly recovered his composure to swerve out of the way.  He pulled over to the side of the road to catch his breath, he took off his sunglasses and mopped the sweat from his brow, his bowling shirt was drenched.  He picked the phone up and dialled Duff Goldman.

 

Back in East Hampton the girls heard the back door open, fear washed over them.   Ina pressed her finger to her lips signalling everyone to be quiet, she picked up a poker from the fireplace and crept towards the kitchen entrance.

 

Duff Goldman hung up the phone to Guy Fieri, he was in the middle of assembling a cake designed to look like  baby.

At that moment Tyler Florence burst through the door

“Duff, have you heard about Bobby” Tyler said

“Yeah man, Guy’s just been on the phone and Ina has been trying to call him.  I’ve  been elbow deep in crap all morning, well fondant crap anyway”,  I’ve not been able to get to the phone”

“Everyone’s gathering at Ina’s place, I have the Food Network chopper on standby to take us there now, Guy will hook up with us there later”

“What’s going on Tyler?”

“Ina said she’ll explain everything when we get there, we’re all in danger, we need to go now!   We just need to stop off at the store – Paula’s run out of Oreos”

Ina was standing by the doorway to her kitchen, the poker held over her head.  It was then she heard a familiar voice..

“Ina honey, are you home?”

She breathed a sigh of relief and threw the poker down, the women looked at each other nervously as Ina threw open the door to the kitchen

“TR”  She yelled excitedly and ran to him and gave him a bear hug  “So fabulous to see you”

Ina introduced her favourite gay to the girls, and filled him in on what was going on.

 

In anticipation of the boy’s arrival Ina suggested they make a batch of chicken broccoli salad from her Barefoot Contessa days, she used to make batches of the stuff daily.  As Ina and TR went into the kitchen, Nigella realised she hadn’t swung her hair in front of a mirror for some time and went to the bathroom to check herself out.   Giada and Rachel went for a walk around Ina’s garden going their separate ways.   Paula Deen stayed with the buffet.

 

Giada and Rachel were in the garden when the chopper could be seen coming in to land, as Tyler and Duff stepped out Giada ran to greet them, Rachel nonchalantly nodded to them, she had few friends at Food Network and knew everyone was envious of her success, “Fucking morons” she thought to herself.  She turned and headed back to the house alone while Giada talked with the boys.

 

“Nigella, do you want  another drink”  Ina shouted upstairs to the bathroom, there was no reply.

Everyone was spread between the kitchen and the living room, Ina was refreshing everyone’s glasses whilst TR was dressing the salad.

“Can someone go check on Nigella”  Ina asked  “She’s had a long flight, if she’s anything like me she would have had some Immodiums beforehand so she may be cramped up now”

Paula trudged up the stairs.

“Nigella?”   She called

There was no reply, she pressed her hand to the door, it swung open and she entered the bathroom, she let out a blood-curdling scream.

 

Everyone downstairs paused upon hearing Paula’s banshee wail, in his alarm TR dropped the chicken broccoli salad on the floor.  Ina cast him a steely glare.

At that moment Guy Fieri burst through the front door

“I heard a scream, where did it come from?” he said.

“Upstairs” Rachel replied and they all raced up.

The bathroom door was ajar but there was something blocking it from the other side, Duff and Guy tried pushing it but it was jammed.

“Use the entrance through the bedroom” Ina said

They raced through the guest room and entered the bathroom, they saw what was blocking the door – Paula was lying on the floor against the back of the door.

“She’s breathing”  Guy said.  “Has anyone got smelling salts”?

Rachel went through Paula’s bag pulling out various candy bars and dairy products, “Nothing here” she said

Paula began to come round, she mumbled and signalled round the corner of the bathroom.

 

Nigella was slumped by the sink, blood was pooling on the floor, the vanity mirror was cracked and caked in blood and hair.

“Oh my gravy!” exclaimed Rachel Ray.

Ina recoiled in horror and buried her face in TR’s chest.   Duff knealt down to check on Nigella

“She’s dead”  he said  “Hang on, what’s that in her hand?”

He prised apart Nigella’s fingers and revealed what she was holding.

Everyone exchanged puzzled glances.

It was a turkey twizzler.

 

 

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2 Comments

  1. And if it wasn’t the grilling that killed Bobby, it would be the fact that he was left on long enough to be overdone.
    The shame alone would have been fatal…

    Reply
  1. Distributor of death,15 minutes of fame and shameless self-promotion. – My week condensed « londonsurvival

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