A Recipe for Murder – Part One

A Recipe for Murder

Starring the chefs of Food Network

The horn of the taxi shocked Nigella Lawson from her train of thought, she looked up from her laptop and closed down the email she had been going over.  She refilled her carry mug with the rest of her Go Get ’em Smoothie, took her wheeled trolley case and headed out into the rain and into the cab silhouetted under the glare of the street lamp.

“Heathrow please” she signalled to the driver.

She bit her lip and stared out at the rain streaming down the windows, she thought about the email and could not shake the feeling of unease -she hadn’t felt this way since the time she had forgotten to put eggs into her chocolate peanut butter cheesecake.

It was a windy afternoon in East Hampton and Ina Garten was putting the finishing touches to her table setting,  she was pleased with the result – casual mediterranean buffet with the volume turned up.  She moved round the table adjusting the cutlery and tweaking the hydrangeas.  She thought it was missing something, she went into the kitchen and returned with a bowl of citrus fruits and placed it on the table, she placed some lemon leaves strategically under the fruit “How bad could that be?” She thought to herself.

Paula Deen pulled up outside the house, she turned the engine off  and reached for her bag and took out the pill box taking a couple of diabetic tablets, she washed them down with a litre of soda.  She tidied up the candy wrappers scattered around the floor and on the passenger seat and put them in the glove compartment, she dusted herself down and opened the car door.  Walking up the drive she noticed someone in the garden, carrying lanterns and potted plants and appeared to be creating a fabulous setting.

“Hey ya’ll” She yelled waving at the figure.

They never responded seemingly preoccupied in their quest.

“Well I’yall be” She said, folks sure are rude on the East coast”

She reached the door, composed herself and rang the bell.

Ina was upstairs getting changed, she entered the walk in closet and ran her fingers along the array of shirts hanging up, each organised into colour, on the left side were the blue denim shirts, and hanging on the right were the black shirts, she walked the length of the closet and finally opted for a black shirt, she took it from the hanger and admired herself in the mirror, she popped open the top button and adjusted her hair as she heard the sound of the doorbell.

Rachel Ray was driving from the Adirondacks to the Hamptons, she talked to herself during the drive, preferring the sound of her own voice to that of the radio.   She pulled into a grocery store for provisions, she walked past the baskets by the entrance, she scanned the aisles picking up everything she needed for her journey balancing everything in her arms, an assistant came over seeing her staggering along the store juggling goods

“Can I get you a basket madam?”

“No…I’m fine” she wheezed as a bag of twinky’s tumbled to the floor from atop her food tower.

“Dammit” she blasted through gritted teeth.

Ina opened the door

“Paula! Please come in, make yourself at home, there are canapes on the side, I’ve done 3 types, and my signature cocktail, Kir Royal.

“I don’t mind if I do”  Paula replied.

“If you’ll  excuse me I just need to check on my cookies in the oven, don’t have fun without me!” Ina said.

After she had left the room, Paula scanned the food display and ate a bilini with smoked salmon.  This could do with something she thought, and pulled a canister of Cool Whip from her handbag and sprayed liberally over the bilini.

There was another knock at the door, Ina ran back through the lounge and opened the door to Giada DelLarentis.

“Giada, how fabulous to see you, come in”

Giada made for the doorway but her head hit the frame, she tried turning to the side but still her head didn’t fit through.

“I’yell help with thayat”  Paula Deen said.

She reached into her handbag and pulled out two sticks of butter and proceeded to smear it on the sides of Giada’s head.  Her plan worked, she popped through the doorway with ease.

“Thank you Paula” Giada said, “No problem y’all”  Paula mumbled as she greedily lapped up the butter from her fingers.

Rachel pulled up at the same time as a taxi cab, she looked to see who it was, out stepped Nigella unaffected by jet lag and looking glamorous.

“Nigella, so nice to meet you” Rachel said through a well-trained fake smile.

“Er..hello, erm…”

“Rachel Ray”  Rachel said,

“Yes, quite” Nigella replied.

They walked in silence towards the front door.

The five Food Network stars were gathered in the living room exchanging small talk, the silence was broken by Giada who was stood at the window

“Ina, the man in your garden?  Are you planning a party?”

“Oh no, that’s Miguel, one of my gays.  I used him for a couple of episodes to create a fabulous setting for a party but he keeps coming back and doing it of his own accord”

“This is bullshit, cut to the chase Garten, what the fuck are we doing here?”  Rachel Ray interrupted.

“Ok, I called you here because erm..Have you tried my cheese straws?”  Ina replied.

“I didn’t just fly across the Atlantic for cheese straws, what’s this really about?”  Nigella questioned.

“Let me explain…”

Ina placed her drink on a coaster and sat down

“It’s Jeffrey….he’s….he’s missing”

Previous Post
Leave a comment


  1. You paint a very vivid picture…I could actually see Paula licking the butter from her fingers…hysterical. Thanks for the early morning chuckle. enJOY today!

  2. This is deliciously evil….love it! Does part two involve some sort of mishap with Paula overdosing on Cool Whip?

    • I love that idea, I can just imagine her murdered by cool whip, with her lying there with it coming out her nostrils.

      I don’t know which direction the story is going, maybe I should have written it all first -there are so many possibilities since they are all mental chicks. Need to introduce the guys too since they are all giant douches.

  3. When you say “Jeffrey”, you don’t mean “Dahmer”, do you? Because that would “kick this story up a notch.” Bam! Good Eats! Like my uncle used to say, “Let the battle begin!”

    • That would mix it up a bit and he’d feast on some of those chefs. You don’t watch Barefoot Contessa then? Jeffrey is Ina’s husband who only ever seems to be at home weekends, so she spends her week cooking for gay men.

      • I used to watch the Food Network religiously, but it was replaced by HGTV.

        • I had to google that, so no cookery just DIY? That decision would have split households in two.

          I’m just scrolling through their show hosts now to see if any of them could take on Duff Goldman and Paula Deen in a wrestling match.

          • It might split households in two, but since I watched HGTV, I might be able to fix it! I used to watch Curtis something pick up women in grocery stores. And cook for them.

  4. Had to come back from part 2 just to make sure there was a reference to the size of Giada’s head. Well done!

    • Her head needs to be involved in her murder eventually, I’m still wokring on that. Maybe it will just explode like in Scanners

  1. Distributor of death,15 minutes of fame and shameless self-promotion. – My week condensed « londonsurvival
  2. An apology to Ina Garten and her followers | londonsurvival

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: