Ina Garten gets a lesson in English cuisine

Ina, I have followed your show for some time now.  I gasp at the amount of butter and salt you add to each dish, I cooked one of your recipes once – it was very buttery and salty.

I have just watched Barefoot in London where you partake in a culinary tour of my city.  It all began as you were reminiscing of a previous trip to London where Bangers and Mash were served at a wedding so you chose to recreate the dish for Jeffrey, by sheer coincidence he surprised you with a spontaneous trip to London.

You had made him your version of Bangers and Mash and as you were reeling from the surprise of the trip you neglected to notice him tip your dish into the flowerbed, here’s why:

You created your mash with an electric whisk.

Does your cutlery include a straw?

I’ve had a mash smoothie before but I had broken my jaw falling over after a drinking binge so my mouth would not open to ingest food so everything had to be liquidised.   Whats your excuse?

Your mash could be poured, you should never be able to pour potatoes.  The traditional English method is to leave it lumpy and stodgy but in truth it should be velvety smooth but hold it’s shape.  And where was the onion gravy?  I suppose the consistency of your mash meant it doubled up as a sauce so you thought gravy wasn’t needed.

Why did everyone you met in London talk as if they were royalty – you even managed to find the only posh market trader in London.   I will go to Borough market and see for myself as I’m convinced he was a hired extra.

You ate a bacon sandwich in Marylebone, and commented you would need a defibrillator afterwards – then I remembered your butter fixation and found that comment a bit cheeky.  You found it incredible that it didn’t have lettuce or tomato, ie a BLT.   The clue was in the name of the sandwich – a bacon sandwich, a sandwich with bacon lettuce and tomato is called a BLT.

The one you ordered was on artisan bread, thickly cut with generously portioned bacon stuffed between the doorstepped slices.   This is actually quite a luxury, the traditional British bacon sandwich would be on the cheapest, most artificial bread imaginable.  The bacon would be dripping fat and ketchup oozing out the sides.   You tried to recreate this at home but toasted the bread and oven baked your bacon – Ina, you missed an opportunity to let loose with the frying pan and a gallon of oil.

You went to a chocolatier and made chocolate lollipops, I’ve never seen these before, nothing traditionally English about them.   A better dessert would have been Spotted Dick which is made using beef fat which I thought would appeal, or am I confusing you with Paula Deen?

You were having a great time whilst you left Jeffrey to sightsee alone on his own bus,  I suppose it was safer than him being mugged.  You were supping sherry and tasting Spanish delicacies whilst you gave Jeffrey just a cheese straw for lunch.

You’ve made quite a fortune from your career yet you still only have two shirts, the blue one and the black one.  I’m not the greatest shopper but I have a bit more of a dilemma on what to wear of a morning, your decision is solely derived from which one isn’t in the wash.

As well as an arsenal of recipes at your disposal you’ve also built up quite a collection of gays.  When I leave the house I check  I have everything – wallet, keys, cigarettes.   You have a similar routine – handbag, meatball sub and a fabulous homosexual.  You even had a collection of them in London telling you how to create a place setting.  Why are people under the illusion gay men are the go to for interior design ideas – I’m really missing a trick here, I could be making a fortune.

I digress, I truly love watching you along with your colleagues on Food Network, so much more entertaining than our British counterparts who all share the ability to make you want to stab them with their own kitchen knife.

The newest addition to the Celebrity Chefs You Want To Kill are The Fabulous Baker Brothers who I had the misfortune of watching last night.  They introduced themselves as brothers who have always had a rivalry and spent the next few minutes fake slapping each other and trying to pull each others trousers down.   One called himself a master baker.   “I’m a master baker” he said.

I don’t like people who blow their own horn, I could just as easily waltz around calling myself a Supreme Office Manager but I don’t, I’m humble that way.

Idiots

They stuck to British Classics, making a chip butty.   Again this should be on cheap fake bread.  They made their  own bread over a 3 hour process.  If I want a snack then time is of the essence, I’ll  be damned if I’m waiting 3 hours for one.

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14 Comments

  1. Soupy potatos? Doesn’t it crack you up that someone at home making that dish is loving runny potatos?

    Reply
  2. Great for kids, easier for them to flick it at the wall on their spoon.

    Reply
  3. Actually, seeing Paula Deen explore London and then attempt a few British dishes would be VERY entertaining. Almost as entertaining as hearing her say “Spotted Dick.”

    Man, that phrase gets me every time…

    Reply
    • I saw a special with Paula in London and Paris, she spent half the time crying because it was so amazing.

      Paula Deen does remind me of the disgiuse Arnold Schwarzenegger uses in Total Recall, google it, it’s true.

      Maybe it’s a generic disguise used by many celebrities so Paula could be Ina underneath, it would have saved FoodNetwork the cost of sending two couples out there filming.

      Reply
      • Hmmm… somewhere, woven into this conspiracy theory, is the explanation for Ina’s two shirt collection. Perhaps it goes something like…

        Arnold secretly looooves the Food Network, loves baking, and specializes in elaborate cake decorations featuring fondant zoo animals. However, his handlers have told him that that’s not the image that the Governator should be projecting. So to indulge himself, billionaire Arnold buys himself not one — but TWO shows on the Foot Network… secretly starring himself! But, given that all of his creativity is tied up in fondant and not fashion, the best he can do to clothe one of his costumed personalities is by deciding between one of two shirts.

        Totally possible, yes?

        Reply
  4. I am a bit mystified by the culture of the ‘Celebrity Chef’. Perhaps culture is a good word as they seem to grow and mutate like some organism in a petrie dish. The British variety seem to grossly over-season everything. The Nigel Kennedy lookalike is a leading offender. The pompous Wyrrell-Thompson (I can’t bring myself to look up the spelling) is an outrage. Half the stuff he does just can’t be tasty food. Jamie Oliver is a real talent, pretty well hidden in a mess of the ‘Cheeky Chap’ friend of the working man that has been crafted for him by his minders. I have to leave this now as I will start talking like the biggest offender of them all the shouting, cursing, bour Ramsey.
    Glad to have that off my chest for now.
    Great post,
    Conor

    Reply
  5. I would kill for a good bacon sandwich right now. Dripping with fat? Yes, please! I had never noticed Ina’s limited wardrobe before, good god even I have more stylish clothes. And thank you for that Paula Deen photo. I was getting short on filling my ‘Crazy-Eyes-Batsh*t-insane-chef’ pics quota today.

    Reply
    • Whilst googling I found the one you used on a previous post and made me laugh out loud again, more crazy eyed people on TV please.

      Reply
  6. Ina Garten of eating, baby – don’t you know that I love food? Ina Garten of eating, honey – don’t you know that I always do?

    What, no Jamie Oliver? Anyone who cooks for Jay Kay of Jamiroquai is pretty cool in my book.

    Reply
  7. Jon, I am SO GLAD you have made it onto WordPress, you are a fucking genius.

    I also hate the Baker Brothers, twunts.

    Keep up the good work.

    Chantal x

    Reply
    • Hey! How did you find my secret alias?!

      I hope you enjoy it. I can now finally say I have a hobby if ever I find myself needing to fill out a job application or a dating site.

      Jon
      x

      Reply
  8. Anonymous

     /  October 2, 2016

    How can you have a “ploughman’s lunch” without a piece of pork pie?
    Tradition is, as a farmer toiled harvesting his crops, his wife would bring his lunch to the fields. This would have included bread, cheese, pork pie and apples and any root crops to hand and small beer to drink. Only if they were fortunate.
    Pork pie is NOT sausage in a crust. See old recipes of how to make a Pork Pie.

    Reply

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