Satan’s Little Helpers

What makes people consider a career in a particular profession?  Particularly professions verging on gross.

As a boy I dreamed of being an astronaut, a footballer, a train driver (can you imagine you’d want to be a train driver now, it must have been glamorous to us as a kid unless we saw the reality back then of being well paid and on strike most of the time)

For example, at what point do you start looking at Chiropody and begin thinking that immersing yourself in bunions, verrucas and ingrowing toenails is a great way to make a living, I’d figure there’s a fetishism hidden in there somewhere.

Likewise, if you have sadistic tendencies you’ve most likely trained to be a dentist.

I thought this as I completed lengthy treatment last week when my teeth’s roots were getting a thorough seeing-to and all manner of stenches were released from their enamelled prison.  I felt a pang of guilt towards the dentist until I remembered he’s on roughly £300 an hour.  

I also felt he was getting his own back, constantly prodding one spot which sent daggers of pain through my body and acting surprised it was hurting since the root was dead.  How often does he need to see me convulsing to determine it really was hurting?

The final straw came whilst my mouth was held open with a rubber dam, contraptions clamping my teeth and the only communication I could muster was a blink or a raised hand.

He and his assistant started mumbling “Santa Baby”  then trying to work out the subsequent lyrics before deciding they were going to put the CD on since it was approaching Christmas 

“Do you think it’s ok to play a Christmas CD in November?”  (Why not, the stores start in August)  

“Do you mind if we play it?” 

I stared up in frozen disbelief as they laughed amongst themselves.

I’ve seen the Hostel movies and it was this that occurred to me as they stopped attending to my gnashers and started scrambling around their CD collection,  then the fear swelling inside me escalated dramatically as they proclaimed “Found it”! Michael Buble Christmas”

As soon as I heard his name spoken I tried to rip the vice from my face before I was rapidly pinned back down, their faces contorted with insane grins, heads lolling back with shrieks of laughter and the sounds….the sounds like piercing banshee wails echoing around the room, I heard the roar of  flames spitting and crackling whilst through it all I could make out the words..

#Santa baby, slip a Rolex under the tree, for me#

Maniacal laughter ensued, I tried to scream but no sound came out, the flames burned brighter reflected in the protective goggles I wore.

#I’ve been an awful good guy#

They came at me wielding torture devices, drills whirring, eyes dancing with sadistic glee, the heat overpowering me, drifting in and out of consciousness

#Santa, buddy#

My body flailed as they penetrated me deeper and deeper, the choir of screams and laughter becoming louder and louder, the flames reaching higher and higher.

#And hurry down the chimney tonight#

 

Everything died down, I slowly loosened my grip on the chair.   The assistant removed my bib and perspex glasses “You’re a good patient” she said

I scrambled out of the chair and rushed out of the surgery never looking back

 

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21 Comments

  1. Awesome blog. Lovely stuff.

    Reply
  2. Cheers Sam, will check your site out on my lunch break, had a quick look just now and will send your post about the recruitment consultant to my friend – a recruitment consultant.

    Reply
  3. Buble? What’s next for him – Happy Birthday Mr. President?

    Reply
  4. WHY?!?!? Why did you post this now? I got a dentist appointment right after Thanksgiving. I want to say I loved it but I got a feeling I will never look at the dentist in the same way again. Thanks, thanks a lot 😉

    Reply
    • 🙂 Best to go in fearing the worst then it may not be so bad. I have it rough as I never went for years, so now I have about 5 years worth of appointments in a month – let that be a lesson to everyone.

      Reply
    • I was reading a FMyLife entry where the hygienist apparently didn’t take her gloves off while she peed, and it said “her hands smelled like urine. She had her hands in my mouth for an hour.”

      Reply
  5. God, you poor poor man. I’m relieved to know you survived (barely) What’s even more disturbing than the sadistic dentist is knowing that that picture of Buble wasn’t altered in any way, he really is the devil.

    Reply
  6. This had me laughing so hard! But now I feel bad, laughing at your pain and torture. So, I apologize. Before I even read it, the tags alone had me knowing it was going to be a great post: dentists, Michael Buble, Satan. Enough said!

    Reply
    • I had it coming from being too scared to go to the dentist before, literally had so many different problems for about 3 years now, had two wisdom teeth out in that time, but it’s been one thing after another. Hitting mid-thirties does it, everything starts going downhill then.

      Reply
  7. I worked for a dentist for years. You would not believe the things that they found in people’s mouth. Pubes were a top thing. I’m sure you had none of that going on just related to the dental crazy people. I don’t work for them anymore lol. The dentist always turn out to be huge douche bags.
    Hmmm…that was just a tad random.

    Reply
    • Good grief! That’s hilarious and sickening at the same time! 🙂 In all honesty they were very good apart from the Buble incident, I can’t forgive them for that.

      Reply
    • That’s nothing. Once they found a maggot cleaning a man’s teeth. He had just eaten a pecan pie and they thought it was from that. Ick. Nasty job.

      Reply
  8. Write a blog on them, it sounds like it would be great!

    Reply
  9. Hello! This post couldn’t be written any better! Reading this post reminds me of
    my old room mate! He always kept talking about this.
    I will forward this page to him. Pretty sure he will have
    a good read. Many thanks for sharing!

    Reply
  10. Great web site you’ve got here.. It’s difficult to find excellent writing like yours nowadays.
    I honestly appreciate individuals like you! Take care!!

    Reply
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