Help! – I need to raise £1000 in 3 days

As I enter the third week of root canal treatment having already paid £1000 I am due to pay the final £1000 this Friday.  Trouble is I have not got the insurance refund back from the amount I paid and am unsure if they are refunding it at all.

Last week I let my dentist do the work then made an excuse about the money and he granted me a week’s respite to pay it.   Now I know loan sharks can be nasty people that you wouldn’t want to cross, but equally you don’t want to get on the bad side of your dentist, so in order to avoid immeasurable pain being inflicted to my molars I need a few instant money-making schemes:

1) Hang outside the school gates and bully the kids for their lunch money (Note: Wear a protective stab vest)

2) Offer personal services, having investigated the going rate and scaling it down to what I estimate I can fetch on the open market then I need 1000 dates, I have 3 nights left to reach my target equating to approx 333 dates per night (and one on the way to the dentist).

3) Become a tramp (inspired by Princessvonvoodoo‘s post) 

4) Hold someone to ransom, I am thinking primarily of kidnapping Larry, the Prime Ministers cat.  A cat interest story is bound to make the headlines to deflect attention away from the economy thus guaranteeing a payout.

5) Be harvested for my organs.  Eyes (blurred), Liver (at bursting point), Lungs (tarred), kidneys (stoned)  Any takers?

6) Sell something on Ebay to a gullible idiot.   Succesful sales have included

    • An imaginary friend
    • Your Soul
    •  The meaning of life
    • A fart

I welcome your suggestions

Leave a comment


  1. I was the one who bought that fart and I’d kindly like to ask you for my money back.

    I do have a few ideas for you: ask the Good Greatsby if he’s good or great enough to give out a cash prize for his caption contest. That’s what I’m waiting for….

    Or you could go the same route my father-in-law takes when he’s faced with getting a root canal, just have them yank the sucker out. sure you’ll have a few extra holes, but you can still eat corn-on-the-cob and steak if you try hard enough.

    • I am sure it stipulated no refunds in the small print? I will accept it back on this occasion as a gesture of goodwill.

      I wonder if I have time to submit a Dear Good Greatsby question?

  2. princessvonvoodoo

     /  November 15, 2011

    You poor thing. I would give you a couple dollars if you tramped in my niegborhood. Hmmm..
    Sell your sperm
    Sell your blood
    Personal cat hitman
    Body gaurd
    Yeah, I got nothing. I would go with soul selling. I’m sure all dentist are cohorts with the devil. Couldn’t be that bad right?

    • It’ll go on the plastic I reckon – the treatment better work is all I can say, though he did tell me a bit of the tool broke off and remained in the canal when he filled it in. I could end up quids in if I sue him.

  3. Larry sounds like your best bet

    • A cat seems like it would give the least resistance to be kidnapped. I’d like to think mine is loyal for example but I know she’s using me for he own ends

  4. I don’t know how I stumbled upon this post, the title looked interesting, and of course it was. So, did you end up kidnapping anyone?

    I also wanted to personally invite you to my pity party this weekend…or to have your own and link up. It should be lots of fun Joe, and I would love to see what you would come up with, especially since you are so laid-back. Maybe you could whine about bikers or the queen or something…or you know, friends who kick you off their blogs… 😉

    Here is the link with more info:


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