7 Billion and counting

Are you feeling a bit claustrophobic and penned-in this morning? 

Despite schools being on half-term this week my train was especially packed, so it was with no surprise that I read the world population is due to hit 7 billion.  

Now I knew why I couldn’t get a seat on my journey I thought I’d share my tips on what my fellow males can do to keep numbers down:

1) Stand in front of  the photocopier for 4 hours a day, the resultant radiation levels should quell the surge of your little swimmers.  To look busy photocopy a blank page and put the copied pages back though again ad infinitum.

2) When buying cigarettes make sure you only buy the packet with the image warning of low sperm count on them, if the assistant passes you the throat cancer pack or the skin ageing carton, ask for it to be exchanged for the low sperm count versions instead.

3) Organic diets aid sperm fertility, to ensure you don’t benefit from that then keep a spray can of pesticides with your kitchen condiments and spray them over your meals before digesting.

4) Alcohol is great for keeping production levels down and it’s easy to integrate it into your daily routine: 

i) Add a dash of Kahlua to your morning coffee

ii) Since you have the Kahlua, mix up a white russian and pour over your cornflakes. 

iii) Replace the contents of the water cooler at work with Vodka

iv) When at the gym, replace water with cider in your sports bottle, just as refreshing during an intense workout.

5) Cycle everywhere – this drastically reduces sperm movement, move to a historic town that is built on cobbles from the Roman era so the additional friction can further aid your cause.

6) Keeping cool in your nether regions increases the chance of fertility, to combat this always buy underwear at least two sizes too small.

7) Heterosexuals – consider changing your sexuality, if you find you have a fatherly instinct which may still need dealing with then get a cat, they still do the same things as babies (eat, sleep and wake you up early in the morning)


By following these simple tips we can all do our bit to curb the increasing numbers.


Photo credits: Over-populated earth: The New Statesman, Cigarettes: Quitnowinfo

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