Backhanders, false advertising and pooch pret a porter – My week condensed

1) A customer sent me a letter concerning the new Bribery Act which recently came into force,  it outlined how their company have adapted to the policy and asked for a document from us detailing how we plan to integrate the Bribery Act  into our business.  

 I’ll write back to them and say I’ll do it in exchange for £100.

2) I was at the Green Note, playing was Jeff Lang, the promo blurb began “Seeing Jeff Lang is like spending 3 hours in Church….”  *  

I paused to consider how excruciating an experience that would be.

He turned out to be fantastic, but Jeff, change your publicist before their next tour is advertised as “… like fingers being dragged down a chalkboard”

(*the original statement ended with “…a totally sacred experience”, so it eventually made sense but this was a little too late)

I was actually not there as a punter but working on the door which I do occasionally to help out, it’s a great spot for Camden people watching.   On a previous occasion the rain was beating down outside and a lady on a mobility scooter shot past the doorway down the pavement, her face grimacing in concentration with rain beating down on her face, hair stuck to her head and knuckles white from gripping the steering wheel (?).   From what I was witnessing I knew there were many people walking up and down Parkway who must have gone flying like bowling pins.  

If you are planning to visit London in the future be wary of pickpockets…and old people on mobility scooters.

Mobility scooter gang prepares to go looting

3) I witnessed a solution to the problem of unruly dogs this week, so much so that I am planning to pitch the idea to Cesar Millan, though on second thoughts the Dog Whisperer may not approve since it renders his role redundant.

Someone bought their Staffordshire bull terrier to the pub, obviously excited, jumping up at punters and slobbering over their laps, (the dog not the owner).  After a while they revealed a new gift they had bought for the dog, a crudely hand knitted doggy jumper.   I really wished I could have taken a photo because as soon as the dog was wearing the jumper her demeanour drastically altered, she was trying to hide and was pining whilst looking up at you with eyes that seemed to plead “please kill me”  

I never thought dogs would have any sense of fashion, but she was obviously uncomfortable in this garish garment coloured brown with  horizontal stripes of orange, it was as she knew it did nothing for her figure.   Herein lies the solution to any manner of bad doggy behaviour by humiliating them into submission, I believe it works just as well on children.

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