The quitting smoking blog (a month and a bit on)

After 3 weeks my photo would have been printed against ‘smug’ on Wikipedia (I suppose no one has dictionary’s anymore).   Friends were getting mildly irritated by my constant bragging “how can you still smoke, quitting was easy, I don’t need it at all”.  In my defence I had coped admirably on two occasions drinking all day so I thought I was over it honestly.

You’ll guess that I succumbed, it was just over a month and the urge hit me for the first time, again I was drinking (seems to be a pattern lately) and thought I could handle one knowing I could stop again just as easily, this was true to some degree.   My friend reluctantly passed me a cigarette, I held it gently, passing it between my fingers, this continued for over half an hour and I felt ok, it was comforting just to hold it, but the battle soon fell in the cigarettes favour.   I lit and inhaled.

It tasted revolting, I tried another puff only to feel worse, I held it letting it burn not wanting to show my friend I had wasted their cigarette in fear they will jump across the table and wrestle it from my hand.   It actually made me feel so bad I went home shortly after.  But the nicotine was slowly reigniting the old receptors, and it wasnt;t until a few days later that I was out again and the craving took once more, this time I couldn’t fight it, it was still hard to smoke it, but it felt better as well as feeling disappointed in myself.

But I remembered that at the beginning i said if I just smoked when I drank I would be happy as I just wanted to stop nat work, taking more frequent cigarette breaks did not look good and I hated having one as soon as I got up, i wanted more control over it, but was happy for us to live our lives in tandem each respecting our distance when we wanted it.

I am smoking again when I drink, but am determined it will not encroach any further back into my life, but it will probably mean I’ll just drink every day 😉

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